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Hallusinating
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All tangled up

Permanent Linkby Hallusinating on Tue Aug 13, 2013 9:33 pm

I went to this really good psychologist many years ago, she was head psychologist in a departement that dealt with pshychiatric patients in my area.

She analyzed me straight after i had come out of hospital because of suicide attempt, and she was the best psychologist i had met since my head was starting to go to places it shouldn`t go...

She started (too) quick with a plan to get me into work again.
I was in a terrible state when i got there.
I didn`t think about work,study,boyfriends,social life etc..
Actually i was starting to think about social life right before i started my therapy there because a psychiatrist in the hospital where i was a few weeks had adviced me to go to a place called fountain house. So i started to go the (new)psychologist almost simultanously as i went to the fountain house.
Seeing as she was the head psychologist she was a few years older then the rest of the staff there, she quickly "took me under her wings" and was a very protective psychologist.
I told her why i had tried to take my life although i wasn`t too clear my self..
I told her a lot about the fountain house, she lead me into different areas while we were talking but we didn`t talk much about my family issues.
One day she just said " there is no justice in life" as i was talking.
She didn`t clearify as to why she had said it other then that it was a stated fact. This was said long after i had started my therapy with her and she was analyzing me for a long time before she said it.

What i think happened is that she started with a work/study/activity plan quickly to get me out of my flat and into activity again. This would eventually give me self realisations...and it would prevent me from having too much time on my hands and becoming suicidale again.

So this was decided by her before she realized that my problems with my family was worse then she first realized. I hadn`t seen my family for a long while when i came to her, so she knew i didn`t have any contact with them. And i didn`t have any contact with them while i went to her.
(but i had some contact with my mother when i went to the one after her).

She knew that my mother had 3 children in her first marriage and 3 in her second. What i think happened is that she knew she couldn`t change my family situation so she wanted to change mine instead, yet many things were not being "cleared out" during my many sessions with her over a 2 year periode. She said that she thought my mother was too dominating, but that was as far as she could analyze this situation.
So those two comments were the only comments she gave to me about my family situation and she never lead me to talk about them again.

Maybe she knew that i hadn`t matured enough? Maybe she wanted to deal with what was most important? ???????

A short while before she got ill(dead?), she told me that when i started the flower decoration course our therapy would be over. I was at that time going to start the course in two months.

I held her hand when she was treating me and did the things i was told.
In retrospect i wish we had talked more about things that mattered to me and less about the symptoms.
More about the reasons to why i tried to take suicide, because there are so many reasons and she pointed them out but she never investigated them more.

I don`t know what she would have said in my last session? Would she say go and see a family therapist?(since she wasn`t one?) would she say "come back if you get more problems?

Would she change her mind and say i could stay for another year?

In her world it must have looked as if i was stable and that was important for my working office to see. She was the expert who analyzed me and who doubts a chief psychologist?

There were some issues about my family that hadn`t seen the light of day when i went to that therapist(and the other one). She tried to dig for it(something). She asked me if i had been sexually abused by my brother. I said no and told her what had happened(yet i didn`t know why?).

She was older then the others and a colleague or some sort a colleague of hers died while i was in her therapy, (she had been in psychiatry for many years and had written a book etc..) i know that because i came in one day and she told me(and she was dressed in black for his funeral). I could see that she was very taken by it. Shortly after that she fell ill and never returned.

She was a good therapist even though i felt as many things were missing i still feel as if i have some things to be grateful for.

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