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Agnosticism
"Without knowledge."

For this blog, I use the broadest meaning of this word - though I also happen to be an agnostic atheist.

I find it healthy to admit either a lack of knowledge or that something is itself unknowable. This blog is simply a collection of ramblings from a man without knowledge.
Grossenschwamm
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- October 2012
It's been quite a while.
   Tue Oct 09, 2012 8:10 am

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It's been quite a while.

Permanent Linkby Grossenschwamm on Tue Oct 09, 2012 8:10 am

I'm attempting to reconcile emotional abuse I dealt with for the majority of my life. I still get triggered so I'll have a flashback and get so angry about my past I'll struggle to not break or attempt breaking everything around me. I still don't know why I can't just let go.

I had said in a post on the forum I moderate here that I had achieved a state of apathy regarding the majority of humanity. That's actually true. Oddly enough, those that still trigger me are my mother, my aunt, and my former best friend. I have relationships with others that are pretty good, but mainly because I'm of the opinion that it'd be harder for me to avoid these people than simply keep the relationships as they are, though I'm more than capable of shutting it all down.

I keep going back to this fantasy of mine to destroy the planet with an extremely dangerous type of power source I'm trying to control, but only when I'm triggered. I try to stop myself when I get to the one calculation that makes this idea rather improbable - I'd need more than 300 million years to collect the mass energy required to start it, and that's if I was able to siphon off one hundred percent of the expelled energy from the sun each day. That only makes me more angry.

"Why? Why can't I have my justice?!"

I've got this idea that I'd be doing the world a favor if I destroyed it. I've mentally elevated my importance as one who's been abused to that of some pseudo-savior to the weak, that I'm fighting for everyone who's been a victim. But I'm not. I'm fighting for my own ego under the guise of righteousness. How dare *I* be treated so poorly? How dare those people do this to *me*? I attempt to downplay those thoughts by suggesting (mainly to myself) that if those who hurt me were stopped *now*, they wouldn't be able to hurt others. And really, in a lot of cases I'm right. When my abusers moved on they hurt other people because I never did a damn thing. But my motivation is far too selfish and indicative of a problem I don't believe I've addressed well enough to allow me an objective stance on the subject.

I read comic books constantly as a kid, and I love superheroes like nobody's business. My favorite has always been The Incredible Hulk. Sure, Bruce Banner is tortured by his own rage, and recognizes the sheer destructive potential released when he loses control - but that power is something that would keep anyone from ever hurting me again. Practically limitless strength, incomparable durability and healing so rapid that Wolverine would be jealous. I sympathize with the Hulk more than Banner, simply because I too just want to be left alone.

I feel so weak in comparison to the icons of power I read about and see in these glossy-covered news-print fantasies. I feel useless...and yet, I'm somehow a great person to those who care for me. I apparently have talents, am smart and funny.

I remember Eternal Sunshine of the Spotless Mind. It'd be fantastic if the location of my harmful memories could be physically located and that portion of my brain damaged;

One of my greatest wishes as a child was to forget my own past because it hurt so much. It hurts even more now.

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Approached by those with different views.

Permanent Linkby Grossenschwamm on Mon Feb 27, 2012 5:46 am

I didn't think faith would become a topic on this blog as quickly as it did. A post on the AS forum sparked my curiosity, as I'm occasionally approached by people with faith: be they nuns, chaplains, or simply people who follow a religion requiring dedication to a deity.

Unfortunately, I encounter the people who have faith as their job or life's pursuit, during times I had been hospitalized. I really don't enjoy talking with people about the religion they happen to be following. I would hate to step on their toes in any way and spark an argument.

When I was approached, these people would say the same thing - that I appeared troubled, and wanted to know how they could help, as they could tell I have a kind heart. Well, I can't say no to a helping hand, can I? I enjoy conversation very much, and being able to vent helps me a great deal (though that may be why I started this blog). So, I tell them what's going on with me at the moment, and hope they don't try to influence me into their faith. I used to be somewhat spiritual myself, but I lost that idea some time ago when I realized how much I hallucinate.

Chaplains don't mind people who are spiritual, and neither did nuns I've met, really - the ones you might need to watch out for are people who simply follow a theistic religion. One of the stranger thing's that's happened to me was during my most recent hospitalization, last November;

[Explanation of context]
Things really fell apart for me during 2011. The year started out pretty well, I had just met a woman I thought was amazing and we started to date. However, at home I was under constant abuse from my mother. I also started being unable to eat that much for a reason I didn't understand, and my body was always wracked with pain - leaving me with little stamina, and cutting my strength nearly in half. The abuse got worse due to a lack of understanding from both my mother and the woman I was dating, and the friends I had known longest started to distance themselves from me after I had a psychotic break in May. This culminated in a horrible argument that got me sent to a hospital called Gnaden Huetten. I ended up there on thanksgiving day, and ended my romantic relationship with that woman I loved, because she didn't really love me. I already knew my mother didn't want me home, so I started making arrangements to move to a different state. My mother made those arrangements unreasonably difficult, so I had to figure out a new way. I was constantly angry the entire time I was there, but I also was very weak from lack of nutrition (having lost 20 pounds in less than a month) and constant pain. I was driven by rage and the thought that I would die of malnutrition before I turned 26.
[/Explanation of context]

A few days after I got there, I was laying on my "bed" with my right arm covering my eyes during the day, trying to sleep but annoyed by nearly everything around me. Suddenly a woman started speaking to me - I didn't hear her walk in, and when she was done talking to me, I never heard her leave. I also never took my arm from my eyes, so I never saw what she looked like. She also never gave me her name.

She asked me to confirm my name, I said that I was definitely who she thought I was. She addressed my obvious depression and anger, and said that I should release the feelings I have about this world and let a higher power take over. At any other time, I would have asked her to leave - though I was very angry and running on my body's stored energy for the gaps in nutrition I was experiencing. So instead of leaving it be, I waited until she asked me that one question to respond:

Anonymous: "Are you religious?"

Me: "I used to be religious, but I don't actually see the necessity of a higher power maintaining the universe we see."

A: "Well the one God created everything you see, and if you believe in him, he can help you find peace."

M: "That's nice, but I used to pray and I didn't...

[ Continued ]
Last edited by Grossenschwamm on Mon Feb 27, 2012 5:54 am, edited 3 times in total.

0 Comments Viewed 3352 times

What is this I don't even...

Permanent Linkby Grossenschwamm on Sun Feb 26, 2012 5:11 am

I am curious of death. Certainly, death can be empirically observed by an outsider, though people experiencing Near Death Experiences all claim to see similar things after they've been brought back.

The unfortunate side of this is the evidence these survivors hold is anecdotal in nature, and can't otherwise be verified until a technology is perfected that allows the interpreted data in their brains to be broadcast, received, and reinterpreted to fit the processing capabilities of a machine.

Despite this, there's a [url=http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=MElU0UW0V3Q]Japanese technology[/url] being developed to watch visual stimuli as it's received by the brain. When the machine is perfected, it will allow a person to record their dreams - and possibly record what they see as they die. I wonder what the implications if this technology will be, what new windows it's going to open.

If I were using this dream recorder, I'd absolutely have a blast recording dreams I've had, and possibly prove something about myself that currently, no one believes - though the opposite is also true, as if I can't prove anything, I'm simply imagining this strange thing to happen.

I wonder about the power of the mind: it's capability to store data (amount/method of storage), the ramifications of a consciousness. What would the answer to these questions be? Though I feel I understand how my mind formulates thought, I hesitate to say I understand how the human mind forms thought. A sensory input of some sort, followed by electrical signals and neurotransmitters being released in the brain. There are even specific brain waves related to states of mind, though I fear if the process of conception for any specific abstract thought could be determined, it could lead to the end of free will via abuse of any process or technology used to elicit thoughts. Certainly there's a good side;

It may be possible to enhance a person's thought patterns artificially in this way, allowing them more comprehensive analytical ability, or perhaps a person with writer's block could somehow use this tech to destroy their metaphorical obstacle. All minds with these devices attached could be connected into a construct of consiousness, streamlining any situation requiring a vote or even turning the human population into an ubercomputer - all gathered experience and knowledge on this planet freely accessible and capable of being utilized to solve world problems. You wouldn't need to write anything down so long as you were connected, and you could choose to share an idea or store it in a digital log file. The useful applications are as limitless as the bad, however: people fitted with devices allowing them a basic survival routine, but no aspirations or dreams to do more than they have ever done. A massive hive mind, all thoughts directed to serve a single unchallenged ruler (or board of rulers) to serve selfish interests. Or, the worst thing in my mind - an end to individuality. Perhaps if all humans were connected to an external data terminal of incomprehensible size there could be a simultaneous upload to all people connected, giving everyone the same memories.
However, the question remains whether or not an organic computer (the brain) can override external programming that would assume to overwhelm their own desires/needs.

As far as conceptual ability, I'm unaware of any way to improve a person's thought processes to run in four-dimensional perception. As far as our universe runs, space-time is our fourth dimension, and in that sense we're able to think in four dimensions by relating our past, present, and future. However, mathematically speaking, should a shape be designed in four dimensions, each "side" is a 3-D object, and like our shadows are 2-D, it's shadow would have three dimensions. So perhaps, organisms and objects we see in 3 dimensions are merely the shadows of what we really are in this universe, and the problem is that we think the shadows are our bodies....

[ Continued ]

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