I'm attempting to reconcile emotional abuse I dealt with for the majority of my life. I still get triggered so I'll have a flashback and get so angry about my past I'll struggle to not break or attempt breaking everything around me. I still don't know why I can't just let go.
I had said in a post on the forum I moderate here that I had achieved a state of apathy regarding the majority of humanity. That's actually true. Oddly enough, those that still trigger me are my mother, my aunt, and my former best friend. I have relationships with others that are pretty good, but mainly because I'm of the opinion that it'd be harder for me to avoid these people than simply keep the relationships as they are, though I'm more than capable of shutting it all down.
I keep going back to this fantasy of mine to destroy the planet with an extremely dangerous type of power source I'm trying to control, but only when I'm triggered. I try to stop myself when I get to the one calculation that makes this idea rather improbable - I'd need more than 300 million years to collect the mass energy required to start it, and that's if I was able to siphon off one hundred percent of the expelled energy from the sun each day. That only makes me more angry.
"Why? Why can't I have my justice?!"
I've got this idea that I'd be doing the world a favor if I destroyed it. I've mentally elevated my importance as one who's been abused to that of some pseudo-savior to the weak, that I'm fighting for everyone who's been a victim. But I'm not. I'm fighting for my own ego under the guise of righteousness. How dare *I* be treated so poorly? How dare those people do this to *me*? I attempt to downplay those thoughts by suggesting (mainly to myself) that if those who hurt me were stopped *now*, they wouldn't be able to hurt others. And really, in a lot of cases I'm right. When my abusers moved on they hurt other people because I never did a damn thing. But my motivation is far too selfish and indicative of a problem I don't believe I've addressed well enough to allow me an objective stance on the subject.
I read comic books constantly as a kid, and I love superheroes like nobody's business. My favorite has always been The Incredible Hulk. Sure, Bruce Banner is tortured by his own rage, and recognizes the sheer destructive potential released when he loses control - but that power is something that would keep anyone from ever hurting me again. Practically limitless strength, incomparable durability and healing so rapid that Wolverine would be jealous. I sympathize with the Hulk more than Banner, simply because I too just want to be left alone.
I feel so weak in comparison to the icons of power I read about and see in these glossy-covered news-print fantasies. I feel useless...and yet, I'm somehow a great person to those who care for me. I apparently have talents, am smart and funny.
I remember Eternal Sunshine of the Spotless Mind. It'd be fantastic if the location of my harmful memories could be physically located and that portion of my brain damaged;
One of my greatest wishes as a child was to forget my own past because it hurt so much. It hurts even more now.