Am I mad, bad, or sad?
I think mad & bad.
I'm mostly ego syntonic.
There are moments where I'm not really "with" it, but then there are moments were I am aware, but I just don't care.
I'm considered to be a "bad bag" of traits.
Because I have mental and personality issues, but I am not "bad."
I said earlier I consider myself "mad" and "bad", yea, by society and "logic."
But in my personal opinion, I am for the most part fine.
Just tired of normies, I consider myself funny enough more leaning on the left of politics but I'm just so full of hate.
I'm tired of people even though I don't really see them in public at the moment.
I hope 2017 will be good, but I will never change my thoughts, unless someone hijacks my thoughts with pills again.
Gotta listen to the head demons.
I thought the main demon though was just the Schizo-spectrum, but I feel like it is the controller of all of my "illnesses."
But then again, maybe it is just the Schizo-spectrum, not sure, in this moment, I believe the illness demon is responsible for all of my so-called "illnesses."
I'm just "mad" and "bad."
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I stopped therapy not too long ago but I will return.
In this point in time, I have only one confirmed Personality Disorder, Schizotypal.
I have other disorders as well but this one stands out the most, and my anxiety, ADD, and dissociate symptoms.
I keep seeing and hearing lies and other people getting lied to and I just want to wake the people up, that is why I spend my time online, telling people things.
I want to shock people's frontal lobes with the truth! (Metaphorically.)
All of this misdiagnosing and over-diagnosing and under-diagnosing is bugging the heck out of me, not to mention the past drugs they gave me and the facility kept on passing me from doctor to doctor.
My old local mental health facility was a scam.
While I am writing this it is pretty late so, I don't work and it is a Sunday so.
I find it sad that me being under-diagnosed for a trauma disorder means to other people that I'm full of it, even though I am the man inside his mind for 5 years now isolated and 5 years of being traumatized.
If that's not a disorder I don't know what is.
This year I plan on finally learning adult skills even though I'm 21, so I'm basically a loser.
Haha, I'm not depressed, but I do like beating myself up though, it feels good, people won't believe me but I'm serious, it is weird, because I am weird.
I just call it a weird maso thing, but anywho, I have never worked in my life but I may get a part-time job someday, maybe not in 2017 but when I get my head thoughts and anger reactions all in order.
I am just so sick of doctors though, I hope the next one does well with me, I am tired of the mind games doctors have played with me and the waste of time, but we will see.
If me going back to therapy will feel like the lies in 2015 & 2016, then I will give up forever. (Probably.)
I'm just sick of doctors seeing things that aren't there, getting the wrong idea about me, leaving me, etc.
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There is this quote, it says something like "technology will consume us" and "we will have a generation of idiots", I'm not sure if it's a real quote I heard Einstein said it but if not it's still true.
This is what Bob (fake name) did yesterday and it is sick!
It was me, Bob, and this kid, and the kid is on both my xbox friends list and Bob's, the kid is probably 12 or something.
I barely talk to the kid because I barely am on xbox but, Bob, said some messed up things!
Now the kid probably knows a lot of inappropriate things due to him being online right? Well, Bob is not helping!
In fact, he told the kid to just "sleep in school" because that's what he did.
I'm surprised Bob even graduated, heck, I didn't even graduate and I'm still a better person.
Not only did Bob tell the kid that, but Bob literally said "if I was still in school, I would bring a girl after school, bring her to the gym and give her a blowjob in the corner" like what is wrong with you??
Not only that, but this got me bad, Bob said if he ever has a child and the child is on his death bed, the last thing the child will see is porn.
And I know people think he is joking but trust me, I've known this guy for years, Bob himself has even messed with me and admitted to it, all these years, and I'm still with him, I cannot escape. He is the same guy who said people dying on the news is "funny."
He thinks him having satire humor will let him get away with his real opinions!
I also love how the kid is just laughing at all this, not realizing Bob is serious!
I don't know, is it me? I know Bob is not joking! He may sound like it, but once I ask him he smugly and bluntly says that "I am serious, I would do that."
I seriously feel like I live in a Matrix-like world, and I see things, and either other people don't see it, or don't care. I don't wanna be this sensitive and social justice white knighter or anything but another worst thing was when Bob was showing the kid a comedic video about "boobs", the kid's younger brother aged 7 was right next to him! I ask the 12 or so year old kid how old his little brother was so that's how I know, the 12 year old kid was like "should I show my 7 year old brother this video?!"
Like seriously, there is no hope for humanity, if I am wrong here for writing a "blog" about it, then I guess everyone else is right!
I don't know, I feel like I live in a Matrix-like world, and no one sees, what I see.
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In a nutshell if I continue to talk about this person it will be less vague.
We will call him "Bob."
In a nutshell Bob is this person I know personally and since we are out of school we talk online.
Bob is a huge narcissist and sorry for the labels but just a warning that he likes to brag about every kill he gets in a video game, even though I know he mods, I've seen him share his screen on skype.
Anyways so he says I'm not a "big" part of his life and told me I am not "high in his life" which is bull because he tries to contact me everyday and as my illness and business gets bigger I have no time for him...and he craves for my attention.
He is disappointed because I can't be there for him and gives me an attitude, which is probably why I myself sound like I have an attitude.
I don't even consider him a friend, if he cared, he would understand, but no, he just talks about having a "job" and asking when I'm going to live the "real adult life", all because I said I don't "have time for you."
It's pretty messed up and I've known this guy since middle school and once again long story short he wasn't very nice.
In fact, his humor blends with his real personality, it goes back to him saying he thinks people dying on the news is "funny."
I have this borderline tendency to not give up on him because he DOES have this fun, quirky side to him, but sadly, he has this sociopathic and narcissistic nature for control and dominance over me and his friends do not see it, because his friends are also into satire humor and can't see through him that he is indeed, serious with his jokes at times. I don't know how to get out of this "friend" ship.
It sounds more like an abusive relationship, the manipulation, and he did abuse me in middle school physically, yet, to this day I still talk to him, I am just a puppet. I want to be free, I will be free. I hope to achieve this someday, and end the mind f@ck!
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Over the years of therapy I have never yet have gotten what the doctor THINKS I feel from their angle.
I've always told myself and only myself, "only I know what I feel and what I am" but the doctors has never told me if they think I feel like this or they always for years now giving me very vague answers like everyone else is getting straight answers so I find it weird how I never got a straight answer of "you can't get along with people because of your EMOTIONS or because you didn't KNOW they were joking or you thought they were LYING to you but that's not true" it's always been just one sided I talk and they listen which makes me now believe I am not messed up as they say.
They don't even tell me or can detect if I'm mentally CAPABLE to socialize again in groups cause for a while now they have been suggesting group therapy and that is a bad idea I tried groups in school and they keep saying "it's gonna be with adults" but I don't get along with anyone everyone is messed up not me forget that.
They think I'm ready but am I really ready? What if I'm not? Then them thinking I was ready means they were wrong.
I have experience with people and I don't wanna socialize because even adults can act like the assholes that were in school I've seen them before.
I really don't care to be a member of society because I can't fit in, to the reason being that literally EVERYONE wants to make fun of every aspect of me, to the point of beliefs of persecution.
I'm not overreacting, I am speaking from years of bad luck with people and life that because I have had so much bad stuff happen to me, I can't put it into words, or if I can, it will just end up with me repeating the words "bad luck so many times it feels so REAL" because it feels so real to me now, the bad I had and have to deal with in my life.
And rude people do not help and honestly the way people see me doesn't help the way I start to see me. (In a negative sense.)
I just feel like people don't think of how their words can affect other people.
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