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Kaz (29/05/2013) Mood: 10
   Wed May 29, 2013 12:00 pm

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Kaz (29/05/2013) Mood: 10

Permanent Linkby Feathers on Wed May 29, 2013 12:00 pm

I've been feeling weird this past week or so. Like I've been elated and motivated, me and my boyfriend have decided to move in together and I've just been throwing myself into finding places, organising viewings etc. My house I'm living in with my dad atm is getting done out so I'm having to tidy my room and I've been tidying like never before, packing up, knowing I won't have to unpack again 'til it's in our new flat! His parents are advising us not to rush into anything, but I have Borderline Personality Disorder so rushing in is like my favourite thing to do! lol

Whenever my boyfriend says something slightly funny I laugh like crazy for ages and he thinks I'm mad! (Anyone else get the laughing thing?)

Changed meds recently from Quetiapine to Lamotrigine so maybe not quite so effective but I kinda don't mind because I'm enjoying it and it's not too severe. Not even dx with Bipolar but I don't know why, the psychiatrists say that since I haven't been hospitalised I can't be bipolar (but I know the difference between BPI and BPII is that BPII doesn't require hospitalisation).

So yeah, feeling a bit off the charts. At least it's up and not down right?

Kaz x

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Kaz (08/09/12) Mood: 3

Permanent Linkby Feathers on Sat Sep 08, 2012 10:10 pm

Okay so I just got out of a relationship with my ex whose alters were abusive. It took me a long time to do it and now I'm getting involved with a lovely guy who I know would never hurt me. When I'm with him it takes my mind off all the bad things that happened, but when I'm away from him I'm just as confused as ever.

I said I’d go slow with him, I asked Sophie (my alter who is into violent sex/rape/BDSM) ever so nicely if she would just stay away from L and not try to sleep with him or try to turn him towards her violent fantasies, but of course she didn’t listen and last night decided to impress him with her best sexting skills, which he enjoyed of course, but now there’s no going back from that. It took us to a more serious level.

I’m going to have to explain to him about my alters some time but I can’t yet, it’s too early, especially for the darkest secrets such as Sophie’s rape fantasies and whatnot. I feel like I text him too much so I’ve just turned off my phone so I’m not thinking about him so much.

Sophie has suggested that he come over and stay on Monday… He was meant to be coming over at some point anyway, but that suggestion was before we’d really talked about sex at all so it was just going to be innocent as far as I’m concerned.

Basically she’s going to sleep with him whether I want to or not… Unless I explain… Which I might have to if I don’t want to get that serious that quickly… And oh my God even if I do explain, and say that I don’t want her to take things further, she’d probably just come out and beg him to come back to mine and have sex with her the next time we’re out together… I feel like I’m stuck in a corner. Don't tell him and he is unaware and sleeps with Sophie on Monday... Tell him and he says he won't sleep with me until Sophie comes out when we're both drunk and begs him to and then he thinks I am/she is a sex crazed freak, begging for sex for some guy I've only been involved with for two weeks.

What do I do?! :'(

Kaz x

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Jodi (10/11/11) Mood: 5

Permanent Linkby Feathers on Thu Nov 10, 2011 9:37 pm

Wasting NHS time... It’s funny actually. The amount of time the NHS waste of ours, and then they have the cheek to complain when people don’t turn up to a ten minute appointment. I waited from August 2009 to October 2011 to actually be put on a form of medication that works for my suicidal-strength depression and over-the-top elated moods. And even then the only reason they agreed to put me on them is because I was taking them illegally anyway.

Today I was supposed to have a blood test to make sure I’m okay on the Seroquel (not that I haven’t been taking it for 3 months anyway without a hitch) and I slept in. Why? Because the Seroquel knocked me out for 14 hours, ha ha ha. So yeah, I’ve wasted PRECIOUS NHS TIME, not that my time is precious when I spent 4 months a year for the past 3 years suicidally depressed. I’m just saying, that I don’t care about not turning up to appointments anymore, because the twats have wasted far too much of my life for me to ever repay through missed appointments.

Jodi x

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Jodi (17/09/11) Mood: 6

Permanent Linkby Feathers on Sat Sep 17, 2011 5:30 pm

So I talked to my ex. Well. Turns out he wants to be friends. Yeah. Friends. He misses me. He wants me in his life. HA. I told him I wasn’t sure, as alter!Sophie would probably try to win him back from DFGIB. That’s just a bad scenario all around, Because if he did leave her it would be us destroying a relationship for alter!Sophie’s benefit, and if he wouldn’t leave her it would just add to alter!Sophie’s inferiority complex that was formed when he couldn’t stop jacking off to porn, and when he was unwilling to choose us over her. i don’t wanna feel alter!Sophie go through that pain again.

So I told him no. Only chance of us ever being friends is if a. him and the DFGIB break up, or b. we get therapy that helps us let go of all the bitter feelings alter!Sophie (and myself) feel for DFGIB. He said only one of them was likely to happen, the therapy thing. But if I’m perfectly honest I don’t think I want to be friends with him whilst he’s still going out with the DFGIB. How can he expect me to be friends with him when he’s still with the girl he broke our heart over? He can’t, he really can’t. Sorry to hear he’s so miserable without me in his life like, but y’know, what ya gonna do? He made the bed and now he must lie in it.

He claimed that us going back to not talking wasn’t going to solve any of the problems. I disagree. Alter!Sophie’s problems are caused by the fact he chose to shut us out of his life for her. Now that WE have shut HIM out, she feels much better because the ball is in her court. It’s perfect really.

Jodi x

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Jodi (14/09/11) Mood: 1

Permanent Linkby Feathers on Wed Sep 14, 2011 10:30 pm

Best friend doesn't understand DID... can't stop crying. He's just basically saying to me that since I got alters he finds himself being more distant from me because he doesn't know whether I'm going to be 'me'. I've tried explaining to him that before I discovered my alters I was basically a jumble of all the alters, fighting to have their interests and opinions out front. I was the most unstable person in the friggin' world. I mean sometimes I would go off it with him for 4 months, hating him. This would be just after a month where I was obsessively in love with him (Laura). For some reason he now can't deal with the fact that these inconsistencies in my behaviour have their own names, ages and body language. I'm scared I'm going to lose him as a friend because he can't deal with my alters.

Not sure even whether this is entirely me or whether Laura is having a bit of an influence because I feel suicidal for the first time since I started my mood stabilizers, although she took an overdose of seroquel on saturday and I feel the urge to take an overdose of seroquel.

I think Laura's influencing. I really can see where she was coming from on Saturday. She wanted to die because she thought Andrew hated her because he wanted to go home. However, it's not really just a case of "Andrew's going home he must hate me". It's a case of exactly how he behaves towards me/us, how distant he is these days. I am/she is/we are convinced that we've just gone one step too far with our instability, and he can't handle it, and whereas we can't blame him for it, it doesn't stop it hurting any less.

Basically. He wants to still be friends with ME, but the fact I switch into Sophie or Laura or whoever else, makes him feel like he is being forced to be friends with my alters. That kinda hurts really. Because my alters are a lot of who he knows as me. Now that I know I have alters I know who I am, and the jumbled up mess that I was before discovering my alters was what he thought was me but it wasn't.

I'm rambling now seriously. I think I'm only this bad because I was due my meds 2 hours ago and have only just taken them now.

Jodi x

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