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EvilFlower
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- April 2012
I am glad to be still alive
   Thu Apr 05, 2012 1:30 pm

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I am glad to be still alive

Permanent Linkby EvilFlower on Thu Apr 05, 2012 1:30 pm

In past 'pain' was solution for my distress and depression. Hitting head on wall or some heavy object (like iron) on my head or knees etc. As time passed need of pain became suicidal thoughts. And I did attempt. Not once but twice. 1st time I just wanted some more pain. Near death. So you can say it wasn't suicide attempt. (that time I wasn't worried if I die in search of more pain). Second time I was serious. I took overdose of strong medicine. It seems I am blessed with strong body. I was unconscious for nearly two days. When I came home from hospital; I was blank and confused. Even today I don't remember much details of those few days I spend in my room staring in blank.

Few days later I found a diary in my room. There were only few pages with words. From moths back. Few were year old. The interesting thing was I was surprised to read my own writings. I asked myself; was it me who wrote all this? I started doing so. Write whatever you think. After seven days read that page and rewrite. It was like I started to understand myself. My thoughts started changing. Now what I think?

I am not lonely anymore. I know there are people who are willing to give their helping hands when I am sinking in my dark and deep despair. It is my choice to take their hands and move out of it. Once I am out, new light will show me many possibilities and opportunities. I believe that. Now when I realize this. I have a friend with whom I can be honest. I trust that person more than myself. That person is most respectful person in my life. I am not alone anymore. I know now there is some one who care if I am around or not. Even if I do some mistakes she she gets angry without leaving my side. I haven't told her everything yet but she is so important to me and I have started to open up more and more. It wasn't like this before. That person was there all the time and I was refusing to acknowledge her.

I know its not going to be easy; but I want to find reasons to live and dedicate my life. I want love. I want to find my path. The road ahead is not easy. It will be painful, some time I will feel like giving up, but I refuse to fail this time. I will stand up, reach out and will find my life back. That’s why I feel glad that I am still alive today. :)

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