The start of my struggles
Ive always asked myself how the hell did i get through it all? and i think it was truly through my stubbornness so here goes...
The start of my struggles
2 years old i fell from my upstairs bedroom window which left me in a coma for 2 weeks, i sustained a fractured skull which has now left my right side of my body weaker (hemiparisis) i was in hospital a while my mother said, and they was losing hope of me recovering, my mother was advised by the nursing staff that maybe its time to bring in the priest to pray over me and to prepare her for the worst.
(i can only imagine what this all must have felt like for her)
At that time my mother was going through an abusive marriage and my accident didn't help her much.."yes some would say, what the hell did she leave her small children playing upstairs unsupervised with an open window"?? and yes ive asked her this myself and back then thats what you did, thought she assures me the window was definitely closed. did my brother open it (ages 4) not sure he obviously cant remember.
My mother shouted us down for dinner and i didnt come , she asked my brother "where is your sister"
my brother reply "shes gone" my mother was as you can imagine really scared i cant just disappear.
she looked under the bed and in the wardrobe (the normal places) but i wasnt there ..she then saw the window open (she said) and looked out She saw my lying there on the ground not moving, she ran down stairs and outside, her first instincts was to pick me up...(she shouldnt have do that) but here we were lied in the street, my mother drought and in distress Screaming
How that must have felt for her ? to this day that day haunts her (she said)
My bio father said to my mother if she dies you die
2 weeks of the coma and the blessing from the priest and the days ticked by.
The day i awoke from my coma the doctors were astonished, and mum said that the entire bed was surrounded by all the nurses and doctors and everyone was happy and crying with joy
The first words i said was "im hungry" in a 2yr old baby voice.
I remember having to got to physiotherapy with dr black and dr white
(thats what i called them at 5yrs old) no disrespect intended.
I had to have my leg and hip checked and manipulated to help with my mobility , i remember having to wear a caliper i hated that caliper and i believe that's when my life changed. being dragged along the floor because i didnt want to walk any more (in pain) but couldnt explain to my mother she didnt know what the effects of my accident did, so she punished me as a naughty brat that was stopping her going shopping.
My rage from invalidation grew and grew ..i had no control of my own life i have no choices. must wear the caliper i hear my mum saying ..everyone outside laughing that i was a spastic and that my mother threw me out of the window because she didn't love me.
(reflecting on this, this has to be the start of it) from the bullying right?
As i got older i started to to see that i was an inconvenience for my mother and her (men) so me and my brother would just entertain ourselves, park,church,school playground after school finished and would only return home for food or bedtime.
We was always chastised by her or one of her men, her 2nd husband used a belt to punish us for not doing chores on upsetting my mum for this and that (little trivial things) in comparison to the punishment dished out at least. Looking back i think WOW ...
Back then that's all i knew, i saw men come and go and i learnt that sex was love right?
So throughout my teens i believed sex is love and would search for "love" going from relationship to relationship not really feeling loved ..yes sex was nice but the love i longed for just wasn't there.
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