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DJM19
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Regrets...

Permanent Linkby DJM19 on Fri Sep 09, 2011 5:42 pm

I wasn't sure if there was a place where you can talk about regrets regarding love, but never mind. This will do me.
Where to begin? I've fallen in love several times in my life, most of them unrequited. Due of a combination of shyness on my part, uncertainty (both down to AS) and sheer bad luck (the girls I've loved having boyfriends or not wanting a relationship), I have been unable to fulfil my heart's desires time and again. As a result, I have never had a girlfriend, a relationship but I reasoned with myself. It's not my time. I'm still waiting for the right girl. Besides, work first, then play.
Recently though, on the eve of starting university, I've been looking back on my past and wondering; did I miss out? Did I miss my chances, never to get them back?

One episode in particular has come back to me which I posted on a forum just today.(http://www.psychforums.com/living-with-mental-illness/topic72814.html if you want the full scoop) regarding a girl from Spain whom I met briefly and who I started to fall in love with. I wonder if I should have mentioned it since it is now starting to come back to haunt me, yet another missed chance for the record. For some reason, I felt an unspoken connection with this girl, Claudia, a feeling that we both liked each other even though the only words that passed between us was'thank you'. Maybe it was because I felt less able to speak Spanish or just native shyness in a foreign country, but I failed to take the chance waiting for me even to say 'Hello'.
That was several years ago. After an obsession lasting for a month or so, I pushed the memory away. Now, however, with my sister having her first boyfriend and talking about this episode on the forum, I'm starting to wonder and regretting my lack of action. Even it wasn't love, it was a friend I could have.
This isn't the first nor the last time I've failed to take a chance that was there for me and I have (for some strange reason) told about all the others I have loved and then lost.

People scoff at the notion of "love at first sight" and the Hollywood idea that "once she's gone, she's gone". For a while, cynical about love and its deceptions, I believed it. But now, I feel that I let that love at first sight pass me by and no matter where I look, how deeply I try, the brief connection I felt with Claudia isn't there with all the other girls I've met. have I let that chance pass me by like all the others? As I look out my window, I'm starting to wonder; where is she? Is she alright? Is she happy? Would she remember me? Has she found someone else? Is it even remotely possible that I will see her again, whatever the circumstances?
Just realised this is quite embarrassing and just thinking about all this is bringing a strange lump to my throat (no tears yet, thankfully). :oops: :cry:
Sorry for the slightly depressing blog. I'd like to put some deep thinking or positive stuff up but a long holiday before uni gives me far too much time to think...
Last edited by DJM19 on Fri Sep 09, 2011 8:23 pm, edited 2 times in total.

Act as if what you do makes a difference. It does. ~William James
Anyone can face a crisis, it's day-to-day living that you need to be careful of-Anton Chekhov
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