Giving some thought to the past...because it's 1am and I'm still awake (just).

I've often wondered where I would be in five, maybe ten years time. I never thought I'd be going to university or manage to overcome many of my own problems with Aspergers, or more accurately, the professionals' perception of my problems. (They said I would have no imagination, no social skills and no chance of a normal life).
I've done many things, more than most so I'm told. There are time when I've been proud of my achievements and then things that I'm ashamed to think of.

Here's a run-down of some of my best memories, the ones that keep me going;
-I've taken up singing and have sung a solo piece at the Royal Albert Hall with the school band
-I've performed in several plays even though I've often wanted to back out.
-Exams results, most of them excellent have proved that I am academically able.
-I've been writing stories for several years now, just little short things and which I've been told are really good.
-I've made many friends over the years with whom I still keep in touch with.
I don't really like to brag about all this, too busy with life. I know for a fact that most of these would not be possible without the help and support I have and continue to receive, even despite several tragic losses.
I feel all my achievements were to prove the professionals wrong. But sometimes, I wonder.

And now, brace yourself, it's time for another update into the wild world of a DUG (Definite Under Graduate). The tension is unbelievable...
So what's happened over the last few days? Not much.
However, since my Regrets blog, I feel a bit better, even resulting my recent confession of a crush on this site. (http://www.psychforums.com/just-for-fun/topic62823-590.html if you must know).

In preparing for uni, student finance is not delivering their stuff on time, not sure whether to blame them or the postman. Also, despite a small but growing list of history books for preparation, I have read on chapter of one book. Better than nothing though, right?
Met my sister's boyfriend. Nice guy, friendly and polite. He must be a saint to put up with our family and our comedy antics! Went on a day trip for the weekend which ended just in time for a spot of heavy rain threatening to set in.
Anyway, enough of my exciting life! Might have more news after Welcome week.
Til then...

I wasn't sure if there was a place where you can talk about regrets regarding love, but never mind. This will do me.
Where to begin? I've fallen in love several times in my life, most of them unrequited. Due of a combination of shyness on my part, uncertainty (both down to AS) and sheer bad luck (the girls I've loved having boyfriends or not wanting a relationship), I have been unable to fulfil my heart's desires time and again. As a result, I have never had a girlfriend, a relationship but I reasoned with myself. It's not my time. I'm still waiting for the right girl. Besides, work first, then play.
Recently though, on the eve of starting university, I've been looking back on my past and wondering; did I miss out? Did I miss my chances, never to get them back?

One episode in particular has come back to me which I posted on a forum just today.(http://www.psychforums.com/living-with-mental-illness/topic72814.html if you want the full scoop) regarding a girl from Spain whom I met briefly and who I started to fall in love with. I wonder if I should have mentioned it since it is now starting to come back to haunt me, yet another missed chance for the record. For some reason, I felt an unspoken connection with this girl, Claudia, a feeling that we both liked each other even though the only words that passed between us was'thank you'. Maybe it was because I felt less able to speak Spanish or just native shyness in a foreign country, but I failed to take the chance waiting for me even to say 'Hello'.
That was several years ago. After an obsession lasting for a month or so, I pushed the memory away. Now, however, with my sister having her first boyfriend and talking about this episode on the forum, I'm starting to wonder and regretting my lack of action. Even it wasn't love, it was a friend I could have.
This isn't the first nor the last time I've failed to take a chance that was there for me and I have (for some strange reason) told about all the others I have loved and then lost.

People scoff at the notion of "love at first sight" and the Hollywood idea that "once she's gone, she's gone". For a while, cynical about love and its deceptions, I believed it. But now, I feel that I let that love at first sight pass me by and no matter where I look, how deeply I try, the brief connection I felt with Claudia isn't there with all the other girls I've met. have I let that chance pass me by like all the others? As I look out my window, I'm starting to wonder; where is she? Is she alright? Is she happy? Would she remember me? Has she found someone else? Is it even remotely possible that I will see her again, whatever the circumstances?
Just realised this is quite embarrassing and just thinking about all this is bringing a strange lump to my throat (no tears yet, thankfully).
Sorry for the slightly depressing blog. I'd like to put some deep thinking or positive stuff up but a long holiday before uni gives me far too much time to think...

Well, it's my birthday today...and I don't feel that much different but still...
Having more of a birthday weekend. I'm with the family on a short break, had some cake, opened cards and a few presents waiting at home (Monday evening, must remember).
I'm a little sad because of some close family that we've lost since last year and recently, but I'm still enjoying myself. I'm grateful for my family, for everything they've done for me. I wouldn't be here but for them. I'm also grateful for everyone on here for all the support they've provided when I needed it. Thanks guys!

Just before my A-Level exams a few months ago, one of my teachers in English Literature gave us a piece of advice that we should, in her words, 'carry with us into our exams and beyond in life.'
Her advice was a simple maxim; "Say what you mean and mean what you say"

As someone with Aspergers, this simple statement rings true. I've lost count of the number of times that I misunderstood something a friend has said or latched a different interpretation to one of my teachers' observations and grasped the wrong meaning entirely. My occasional miss on social cues, unwillingness to ask for confirmation or seek advice on any confusion has, quite naturally, made things that little bit worse (although I am better at interpreting meaning now than before).
One small example I remember was a kids book which jokingly said that "During a lecture, students were required to hold their tongue." Taking its words literally and wondering how that was possible, my mum got a big surprise when she walked in my room and found me holding my tongue with some difficulty with two fingers and a thumb! (To her credit, she patiently explained this strange example and has continued this up to the present day, offering support for nearly two decades! )

It is only recently that I have come to realise that I am not alone in this. As the media too frequently shows, even non AS sufferers come under fire for misunderstood phrases because, as my teacher pointed out, people misunderstand others, sometimes deliberately, other times unknowingly and it can be hard for those with little understanding of AS to realise this. If a teacher had told me to 'hold your tongue' to which I literally did, they would instantly assume I was being insolent to which I would be unhappy because I felt I was obeying their instructions.
All of which is maddeningly frustrating to both sides, particularly since genuinely good support is not always easy to find.

I know I have been very fortunate in the terms of support I have received for twenty years that has gradually allowed me to grasp figurative language and abstract concepts. However I also know that, if I had stayed in the state system, I wouldn't be the person I am today, confident enough to write a blog to potentially hundreds of strangers.
And that's something I really do mean!