I grew up in Nigeria where my parents we missionaries. Two teenagers/young men abused and tortured me and a further man abused me too. I was also physically abused and neglected by my parents who were very busy. I used to have to find my own food and look after my sister even when I was very young. I also had to babysit other kids on the compound I got so hungry that I used to pretend that my lego was food and I was cooking it. I think this might have contributed to my eating issues.
I started self harming when I was about 5. I accidently put fertiliser in my eye and it felt good tho bad and I kept doing it. I also started adding the contents of my chemistry set to my milk and drinking it.
We left there because we got attacked and our house set on fire with us in it. It was a mud house and smoke came up from below like an oven. We managed to get out but it was difficult to breath. I have bad asthma and my therapist thinks this may have something to do with that.
When we got back to the UK one year later my Dad died of melanoma when I was 8. I loved him very much and I held his hand after he had died to say goodbye. Some ppl think that is why I became a Dr tho I am not sure. I think I might have become a Dr because of my Grandpa
I went to boarding school a year later and hated it. I returned to self harming by taking large amounts of paracetamol to try and make myself sick so I did not have to go as you were not allowed to be sad. I dont know how I have a liver left. Except maybe because it made me sick I threw them up.
Because of my asthma I was put on oral steroids and I became Cushingnoid in appearence. So I became very hung up about my weight and stopped eating. This then turned into binge purging. I got followed by a teacher and accused and sent to the school Dr. They told me they were going to tell my Mum half an hour before my English GCSE.
Around this time my moods became unstable and I started acting out too with alcohol and smoking. I also had my first episode of being high where I put on a school concert and organised the whole thing and wanted to invite Princess Diana. I was around 16 at this point. No one noticed.
I carried on struggling with SH by hitting myself, binge purging and also having mood disturbance but I got through my A Levels and got into Med School. There I went off the rails with drugs, alcohol and mood disruption plus unprotected sex. I still managed to do my studiese somehow - I am lucky I remember things easily. I got into a relationship and the guy hit me and used to anally rape me. When we broke up I thought I could not live without him.
I started taking overdoses, and cutting myself and my ED got worse. I saw my GP who referred me to therapy and courtesy of one of the ODs I also ended up under a psych. He did not diagnose me with bipolar despite episodes of obvious mood disturbance and I carried on as I was.
I graduated and started work. I stole some drugs from a ward and overdosed and was found by someone who I knew was going to come to my room as I was sleeping with him. This had started when I was high and by this point I was getting a bit of a reputation.
I was put on the poisons unit I worked on and visited by the clinical director. He told me to go off work and I was referred to the GMC which is where that all started.
For the next few years my mood was up and down including overdosing on an airliner after being high and going to meet some adult missionary kids who had been abused in the States and crashing due to being triggered on the flight home. The airplane had to land and I wound up in an Icelandic hospital and subsequently loony bin.
The GMC were not pleased with this and my case was sent to a hearing. I was discharged but rereferred when I got done for drink driving whilst high and abusing drugs and alcohol.
I became and anaesthetist and ended up working with my ex who hit me and raped me. Between that and everything else I decided to end my life for proper this time. I injected myself with an anaesthetic and a drug to stop the heart but it did not work and by some twist of fate I was found.
I was admitted to hospital and have not been at work since. I am trying to heal now. I have been in hospital 4 times in the last 3 and a half years. I have a better therapist now and I am on drugs for BP1 which I have finally been diagnosed with. I really hope to get there tho I appreciate there is a lot to sort out.
Thank you for reading
Hope you are all well
Swallow it down (what a jagged little pill)14 Comments Viewed 142060 times
It feels so good (swimming in your stomach)
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Cracked i'm so sorry for all that you have been through! i think all this just shows how strong and determined you are! I also think you are incredibly brave writting it all down for others to see ....
Huge huge hugs xx
A beautiful thing is never perfect
A certain kind of darkness is needed to see the stars
Thank you so much lonely-girl, I thought about deleting it but I think I am going to keep it
I'm really sorry this all happened to you, but I know that all your work here shows how strong and determined you are! Hopefully, by writing it all down here, you will come through it all.
Huge hugs xx
Act as if what you do makes a difference. It does. ~William James
Anyone can face a crisis, it's day-to-day living that you need to be careful of-Anton Chekhov
Thank you so much hon
Hugs to you
Hugs x a million. You are such a strong person cracked, you've gone through so much and you will get better and you will get back to work!
Hugs and keep strong,
Go back a little to leap further.
Keep your head above your heart. It was put there for a reason.
Live fast & die young, forget the past & move on, what's done is done & you only live once!
Thank you so much Katrina - you are lovely.
I appreciate your story a great deal. I know the levels of this. Its like my story and others. The Nazi prison camp. Just another form of the prison camp. Same camp for so many. IT never changes. Im shocked that your are still alive. Im glad you shared your story.
Im a bit intimidated by the fact your a Dr.. Hmmm.... Thats Ok tho..
First, Im am a bit concerned about you.
Ive been in the recovery process for a long time. Im slowly healing and getting better. I work allot of 12 step groups, and counseling. I haven't worked in a long long time. I wasn't able. 100% disability. ITs getting better. Im more present now.. So things will get better if Im willing to do what it takes to get better,.
More I could say here...
Evolution didn't stop my death, God did .....Now what?
Thank you for your comments hon - much appreciated and I promise I am not intimidating! Thanks for your support.
I'm sorry to hear about what you went through. You're really brave to write out your story. You sometimes might not feel like it, but you're a very strong person, and your presence on the forum is valued by many. You will get better, and give yourself credit for the progress you've made.
Huge hugs to you
"Courage isn't having the strength to go on- it is going on when you don't have the strength." - Napoleon Bonaparte
Thank you so much Lily - I really appreciate it.
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