This blog describes a bit of how I became self-aware, and what kind of confusion I was going through before I got diagnosed with ASPD.
I wasn't always aware of the fact that I don't have a conscience, even while I did a lot of illegal stuff without feeling guilty. But I always knew that there was something different about me. The point was that I couldn't exactly pinpoint what is was, because no one ever talked openly about things like empathy and the conscience. Why would normal people do that in the first place? It's natural for them to have a conscience and they assume that most, if not all, people think the same.
That's the same with colors, why would a person constantly mention the colors he can see? Why would he say things like: "Oh, that's my new jacket, it's red." He doesn't have to tell the color to other people because they see exactly the same as him. But the person who can't see colors would be slightly confused or he wouldn't pay much attention because the word "red" has no meaning to him. It's not important enough to ask about or it's just weird to ask it.
Why would I care about things that don't exist to me? I had a lot of moments that I could see that I didn't react normal. I could show a lack of fear, I would be the only one in the room who didn't cared about the birthday of another person, but this moments were not important to me. I had it so many times that I just thought it wasn't abnormal. I was used to it, so the thought that there may could be something wrong disappeared in my subconscious. I just faked as much as I could and I never thought about this as weird, it was just who I am.
But things started to change when I aged thirteen. I got a lot problems at that time because my behavior started to stand out from other teenagers. There were a lot of teenagers in my country who stealed and assaulted people, but I became a bit aware of my own weirdness when I got to know the local police...
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There are a lot of people on the internet who claim that you should be warned about people with ASPD, also called psychopaths or sociopaths. But let me tell you this: most information is just ######6 bûllshit. All they tell you is that you should run away as soon as you can, because "they are dangerous, violent and toxic".
#1 People with ASPD always manipulate others and fake emotions.
Come on. Do you think that people with ASPD spend their whole lives manipulating other people? They don't always manipulate and feign emotions, they don't even need to. People with ASPD have a lack of empathy. This doesn't mean that their own emotions are fake. People with ASPD also do things because they just think it's right or sensible, they don't always do things only to manipulate you.
#2 People with ASPD want bad for everyone.
When someone with ASPD gives you a honest but harsh advice, they don't necessary do this to hurt you in a sneaky way. Even while they don't have empathy, they could still think about doing something good. They may don't feel the difference between good and bad, but they know what is good for you and what not.
#3 People with ASPD hate the world
That's not true for most people with ASPD. I have ASPD and I don't even care that much about people and the world. I've never felt hate. Also, when someone annoys me or hinders me, I don't care that long. If the event is over, I don't care anymore. That is shallow affect. It actually prevents me from doing harm.
#4 People with ASPD can't be treated with therapy.
I think that depends entirely on the person and not on the ASPD. People with ASPD could benefit from a therapist who would learn them about the perspective of normal people. Most people would think that this just makes them better at manipulating people. But changing their - sometimes cynical and paranoid - perspective could change their behavior towards other people. You also wouldn't try to be friendly if you believe that everyone arounds you also has no concience and empathy.
Of course there are some people with ASPD who are dangerous, violent or just toxic. But this doesn't mean that all people with AsPD are. And even when they are dangerous, violent or toxic, there is still a lot misinformation.
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NOTE: I'm not diagnosed with major depression, I'm only writing about how I feel depressed. Of course, that's not the same and I have don't want to diagnose myself. But major depression runs in my family and it wouldn't suprise me if I suffer from major depression. This week I gonna make an appointment with my GP.
Most people with antisocial personality disorder seem to feel bored and restless and I can relate to that. But I don't even feel that anymore. It's like I'm not feeling anything anymore. As someone with AsPD, I am used to shallow affect. That means that I don't feel emotions that deeply. They easily fade away and I don't care that long about emotional situations. I'm capable of moving on very fast.
But I've felt them in the past, everyday. I still felt contentment, pleasure and euphoria everyday. I also felt boredom, anger, frustration and annoyance.
The last time, I haven't felt anything. It bothers me. All I feel is headache and tiredness. I don't feel hunger. I could easily kill myself, but rationally I know there must be a way out somewhere. A psychiatrist? Anti depressants? I hope so.
I don't believe in therapy, because I don't have a reason to feel this way. If I would have a good reason, talking about it and healing from some things would be a perfect solution. But I don't believe it's that simple. I just don't know what this is.
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It's very hard for me to have friends. Not because I can't keep up an act, but because other people hate me. I'm not saying that everyone hates me, but there are people who know about my history. They know I have comitted crimes and that I can be very agressive. To them, it's a reason to hate me. And my friends should do too.
The police knows the most of me, and what they know aren't good things. I don't know if they suspect me of ASPD, but let's say that some of them respect me because they believe I'm smart and can influence many people. One cop is sure that I will succeed and earn much money in my life.
When I asked him why, he told me he didn't know. He told me I just have something what other people don't have. He couldn't exactly pinpoint it.
This may sounds like a benefit, but it isn't. It seems like all cops think I'm influencing other teenagers into doing bad things. They see me as "the bad influence" and my friends should leave me. The cops are telling this for years now, and I'm wondering if this is true?
Or am I just blamed for no reason?
I can't remember that I manipulated my friends into doing something illegal. Not one single moment. But fact is that all my friends turn into criminals when they hang around with me. The weird thing is that I'm also less criminal when I don't hang out with anyone, so I guess we're influencing each other.
But that doesn't hold people back from blaming me. Some police officers are even agressive and hostile towards me, just because they think I'm purposefully turning people into criminals.
How can I ever have friends if I always get blamed by police officers? This world is just crazy. Why should I blame myself? That's all they want. They want me to blame myself, but I don't see myself as someone who can easily influence people. I'm not even busy with that - I don't care.
I have some friends who will never turn into criminals, even while they hang around with me for years. Therefore I don't blame myself. It's not my "charm and deceit" that makes people do things.
This stupid scapegoating behavior is also common in parents. For example, when they don't trust the boyfriend of their daughter and start blaming everything on them. It's just ridicilous.
And that same stupid story goes on for people with (suspected) ASPD. They get blamed for everything. It's pathetic people.
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My bad view about empaths is caused by the fact that they base their decisions on emotions instead of facts, and that's why I hate them. They don't know what harm this causes. I don't say every empath does this, like not every sociopath is a murderer. But still, they cause harm in little or big ways and don't feel guilty about it, because empathy is only seen as a benefit.
They think: "Hey, I am an empath, I am only beneficial for other people!" They pity themselves for their empathy but hide this with arguments like: "I have emotional depth," and "People really love me for my support." They also hide it by pointing their finger at sociopaths, who are the evil people in their eyes and have no life in their eyes.
Empaths are mostly depressed and actually, they do not have not a good social life, even if they say they do "due to of their empathy". They are being used. They are tired of their empathy. They behave irresponsible and stupid by their decision-taking, which are based on emotion and gets them in trouble. You may want to know why empaths can do harm to OTHERS (and hurt them) by their empathy.
First: If there were only empaths, the world would have a lack of companies, organisations and science. How would this world be without these important things? It would bring us a lack of mental health care and managers for other important facilities. They don't care about science and facts. Facts, in their eyes, are some subjective things they "feel" - instead of seeing or proving it.
Their stupid world doesn't go futher then their family, pets and emotions. They believe they can cure people by comforting them with their ‘love-filled’ words.
A undiagnosed autistic boy wants to see an therapist for his social akwardness. He hopes that someone finally can explain his weird behaviour. The therapist is an empath, and reads that he was neglected when he was 9 year olds (his mother became depressed) and then was put into a foster family. The therapist feels terrible for him.
The boy tells her that he always was weird. He remembers being weird since he was 3 years old, and it didn't change over the years. He shows autistic signs, but the therapist doesn't see this. She only thinks about the ‘terrible fact’ that he was neglected since he was 9 years old. She believes this caused his weird behaviour.
Why is this stupid? Because he always had his weird behaviour (since 3), befóre he was neglected. But a stupid empathic therapist believes it was caused by neglect ‘I feel like it’ and miss the diagnosis of autism. Result: The boy never gets the help he needs and ends up depressed because the therapist doesn't understand him and doesn't take the fact that he always was like that serious. I have seen this with my own eyes - and it's damaging. And this is just one example!
Empaths are also stalkers of people who need help in THEIR eyes! But not everyone wants help, or want to wait with it or will fix it on their own, because they know how they are and can think logical about the outcome of their own personality. But empaths disrespects this and keep making assumptions about other people: "Are you depressed...?" "You need help..." "I FEEL that you feel miserable..." While this isn't always true. They don't leave others alone. I don't wish these empaths anything but being charged for stalking people. They most likely stalk sociopaths like me and ruin my life.
WHY IS THERE NO DIAGNOSIS FOR STUPID EMPATHS who ruin lifes? I would like to see the ‘Empathic Personality Disorder’ in the DSM-VI. If sociopathy is a disorder, why empathy is NOT if it cause problems to the ‘empath’ and/or other people, their social life and their abilitiy to keep a job? I would like to make a list of problematic character traits of empaths. I design their ######6 disorder:
A. A pervasive pattern of behaviours which is characterized by having too much empathy as indicated...
[ Continued ]
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