Our partner

Wow, I have a blog. How akward.
Advice of the day:

Me: I think I experience sensory overload. You know, when there are too many things all at once, like, sounds, smells, sights. I get a terrible head ache and feel dizzy and nauseated and when I close my eyes every bit I´ve seen circles around my head like in a caleidoscope. I´ve come to realise I´ve had this since I was a kid as well. It´s like I hear everything seperately but all at once at the same time.

Nurse: Have you tried not paying attention?

Me: Well, that´s the problem. I can´t seem to drown anything out. It´s like I´m just flooded. Like, when the sun light makes my eyes hurt, how can I not pay attention to it?

Nurse: Have you ever thought of imagining you are wearing sun glasses?

Me:

Nurse: ?


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Old entry I found (that I must of written back in late 2011):

I noticed that I am not good at keeping in touch with anyone outside of school that gives any interaction a direction as well as boundaries (time, place ect.).

I only really feel like being with people when feeling low and even then I cannot really stand being with them, leave alone opening up about my feelings. I am barely able to put words together in my head. They repeat itself while I try to make myself speak, but I have no voice to speak.

Two of my friends and I were walking around and chatting just days ago. I spent ten minutes trying to tell them I needed to leave because I could not take it anymore. I ended up just walking away mid-sentence, leaving one of them piqued and the other (whom I know longer) merely a little surprised.

I don´t want them to excuse my behaviour because they view me as a little incapable or, as another friend likes to put it, "heartless", because I do come across in ways I wish I did not and the hurt it may cause is real. I just wish after all those years and after me trying to explain it to them as well as I possibly could, they would understand that I am not like that on purpose. Understand as in not minding the fact and acceptant of it, not as in acting acceptant until it happens again to start blaming me.

I meet people because it is expected of me so my family will leave me alone about it. A part of me still hopes meeting them will magically turn into a nice experience. It never does though, regardless of how *insert positive trait* the people I meet are. I just do not care what they have to say. I go numb and zone out. The best part about meeting people is going home afterwards.

I miss caring about my friends the way I did before because I still remember that it felt good. I know we had good times, I know they are beautiful people. I´d like to go back to the "old times", but I know I would not be capable of enjoying it the way I did then, because I´m in a different place now.

I would not necessarly call myself indifferent. If I was, I would not care about what others may think of me and I would not be as freakishly scared of being left alone as I am. I think the word "resigned" describes how I feel rather accurately.

I write this as a reminder of how I feel and that whatever I think and feel is fine, as I have trouble letting myself be emotional or needy.
Camelidae
Consumer 6
Consumer 6
 
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Joined: Thu Sep 01, 2011 5:46 pm
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