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Brix
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I feel like I am a demon wearing a human mask.
   Sun Jan 08, 2017 12:30 am

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I feel like I am a demon wearing a human mask.

Permanent Linkby Brix on Sun Jan 08, 2017 12:30 am

I am a teen. Im also an aethist of a sort so I tend to put faith in myself rather than a god. And even if there was a god, I would still continue to trust myself than it. I've been betrayed, mocked, and decieved by almost everyone in my close family. My mother is a drunk and my father, is a bully. My grandparents are naive and my little brother is just like his mother (mentally). I don't trust anyone anymore. I was a kid when i first tried to kill myself... I immediately started feeling scared and angry the second I was close. I began to feel angry towards those who drove me towards this. I had a temper thag I learned to later control. I didn't trust anyone though except my father at the time. But recently, my father, who I had trusted, humuliated me by showing dominance of me physically. I had trusted 4 people in my life with my life who had all betrayes me. My mother whi ended up being a pitiful drunk. My grandfather, who left the family without a word while stealing thousands of dollars form my grandmother. My grandmother, who sided with my mother knowing she was a drunk but instead said learn to forgive and "forget" like she has. I wasnt about to turn a blind eye to the stuff she was doing. And then my father who I had thought would save my brother and I from my mom and raise us good, who endus up physically abusing me. After that, and all the pain I've suffered since I was a child, Ive become hollow with anger and hate. I have no place to go, and I cant do anything about it. My father hasnt done anything and he knows he can't because I threatend him to go back to my moms (though that would just be worse in my case). Ive lost trust in people. I learned to resort to wearing my mask of lies and not let anyone close. I wear a mask of someone who doesnt care about anything and is blunt as a hammer. Such as my what my father now a days uses to describe me as "broken". I have become more sadistic in my thinking lately. I usually think on how I could get revenge on those who wronged me and the only way I can sooth my thoughts is by distracting myself with entertainment or fantasising on how I could make their lives miserable. Im a sadistic hating person on the inside. I usually act normal or neutral when Im around others, but then I go to bed thinking of all the ways I can humuliate them, torrure them, and kill them. Then I wake up in the morning terrified of myself. Its become a habit now. I no longer feel sympathy for them anymore. Only hate. And now recently Its become worse ever since my father. Ive began muttering to myself when I try to sleep. Sometimes my emotions get the best of me so I have tried to isolate myself alone from others so i can calm myself down. Knowing myself, I know if I flip, I wouldn't care anymore and I would go as far until Im satisfied. Ive even threw my brother to the ground and kicked his head in one time because he pissed me off beyond $#%^. Don't worry, I was punished. But this concerns me because I know Im still human and Im bound to want to get close to someone. However I fear I will not be able to control my temper when the time comes. All I know is how to act like my old self, blunt, comedic and cheerful. But, I need me to stop this. I want to stop this. No medication, no religion. I want to do this on my own as a human being. I don't want an easy way out. I think I can handle the non trusting part of me when the time comes, but I need at least a bit of advice from and professional or at least an experienced individual with this. I need to learn to stop my temper from messing up my life. I need to learn to merge myself and my darker self so I can stop giving myself a headache everytime I resist my screwed up temptations. I need to learn to stop letting others easily get to me. I need to learn to wake the hell up. So leave advise thats useful and no bull about how I can find peace with jesus. Seriously Ive gotten that everytime I reach out and its starting to get annoying. Just good advice would help.
Last edited by Snaga on Sun Jan 08, 2017 11:31 pm, edited 1 time in total.
Reason: minor edit self harm method

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