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Axton
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the Edge
   Sun Jul 08, 2012 11:46 am

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the Edge

Permanent Linkby Axton on Sun Jul 08, 2012 11:46 am

It feels like I'm spending less time close to the Edge. At least I hope I am.

It is not a physical thing, but rather the boundary I have come to recognize, in my mind, my emotions. Its the line in the sand, the point of the hill where you can't climb back up from. And it isn't singular; there are several and each has it's own emotional and physical pains.

The edge I most frequently cross is that of Spiraling; another word I give special connotations to. Years before I knew the terms for any bipolar issues I knew this. When things are decent, my thoughts flow in a line I can follow and not fear, from one topic to the next. And I don't notice that my pattern of thoughts is slipping before it begins.

Frequently my inner monologue will be harshly self critical, overly focused on my mistakes and flaws. Spiraling is the name I give to the patter of thoughts and emotions that doesn't move past that. At these times I hate every aspect of 'me'.

The painful thoughts and feeling repeat themselves instead of being replaced with anything new. Where instead of moving forward, my mind loops back to the first depressive, self-hating moments. And each time the loop replays it gets more intense, harder to ignore, more hurtful. Each repeating loop gets ever faster and harder to break out of. Spiraling down.

This pattern leads the the next Edge. The emotional pain of spiraling down easily grows more intense. There are times when the hateful thoughts and painful memories crush me down for hours on end, draining away any energy I had before.

When the energy doesn't drain away is when I know I'm nearing that next Edge. The part where it gets physical. Where the frantic speed of these emotions and memories is matched by a frantic energy. This second edge is where I self-harm.

I hate how much part of me is drawn towards self-harming. I hate the scars.

As bad as the build up is from crossing the first Edge to the second, what's almost worse are the moments where an otherwise happy 'me' will slip straight toward self-harming again. It creeps up seemingly on its own, and is hard to suppress.

Then there is that third Edge, that of suicide ideations and behaviors. While this edge isn't one I usually get close to without noticing, it is by far the scariest. There have been many situations that where simply dangerous coincidences, some arising from being in a military environment. I am not ready to deal with these memories yet, I simply hope to not gain new ones.


That went on for quite longer than I had thought it would. While it will likely go unnoticed being placed here, I still wish to again express my gratitude to the people I have spoken with on this site, and to the other few people who have given their support. They have helped me hold back from the edge near countless times now, and in some cases have talked me down from my suicidal states. I owe them so much.

This includes my dr here, who happens to one of the handful of military people I can almost trust. I feel rather lucky to have the psychiatrist I do; he's always ready to answer any burning questions or frantic phone calls I have to throw at him.

The current meds seem to be the best so far. Have had some days where almost no thoughts of bipolar issues, self-harm, or suicide ideations have crossed my mind.

Maybe it's more than I deserve, but I hope to spend more time away from the Edge.

-faithless

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still using the facade

Permanent Linkby Axton on Sun Jun 24, 2012 9:13 am

so tired of this 'teenage angst' mess; I'll try to stop those blog posts.

Socialized today, but I realized I'm relying on the facade I've been hoping to not need anymore. The entire time I was some strange mix of drop dead tired and hypo; just all over the place.

Wasn't able to contact my bio-father this week. Torn between disappointment, and some degree of relief, as previous contacts have brought up active suicidal feelings.

Spoke with my mom this morning, feeling guilty for not putting up the facade of not being depressed; I hate upsetting other people. They don't deserve it.

Have realized that I'm not startled/ worried about the feelings of self hate/etc, sh, suicide; I think a healthier person would be.

It's been interesting posting my thoughts up here; I've never done a blog before. I don't know why I'm posting any of this, or how much longer I will continue to.

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so f'ing conflicted

Permanent Linkby Axton on Tue Jun 19, 2012 12:11 pm

background info- my kid brother and I have different fathers, and our mother is married to neither of them; she is with a bf that she has been seeing for about the past 8 years. He has kids of his own, though I know nothing about them.

I've never worked up the nerve to ask my mom about my bio-dad, but finally did a few months ago. She said that while he was a good man, employed, well liked, sociable, home-owning, and never cheated/etc, and that she broke up with him when I was about 2.

She said it was because "I didn't want to share you with him"

I've never felt so hurt and betrayed and lost. I was so terribly sad that I cut a few times that night, and so horribly angry at her that it scared me.

She took 2 f-ing DECADES of time away from me, time I could have know what it would have been like to have a dad. The whole time I thought it was my fault he wasn't there and I hated myself so very much for it.

This tears me up so bad I still can't handle it, just thinking about this again makes me want to reach for a razor.

So I've only been able to look into the situation from a cold, clinical perspective, because anything else hurts to much to think.

I tracked him down, got his phone number. I've called many times, but he never answered.

Then, last weekend I tried calling, and his [new] wife answered. She said that he knew about me trying to reach him, but that he couldn't/ didn't want to talk with me yet.

His wife told me that they have a young daughter, who doesn't know anything about my mother, and that mess.

I feel so terrible for bothering them. It feels so unforgivably selfish for me to want to stir up 20 year old histories, and possibly mess with the stability of that family, just because of what I want

Before, I knew nothing of the situation, just great loneliness and self-loathing. I thought I could fix that by finding out, but it has left me feeling so much worse

At this point I feel that I'm just inflicting my company upon people. That I have no where to call home. It makes me want to disappear

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so very confused

Permanent Linkby Axton on Tue Jun 19, 2012 11:40 am

I've been told that heavy stuff is what family is there for, but I can't feel it

I don't know if this happens to anyone else, but I have problems serious esteem/ boundary issues around my family. It's so bad that I can't do anything that feels like I'm letting my guard down.

The few times I've opened up to family I've always instantly hated myself for doing so.

They said they'll let me crash in my old room until I get my own place, be it college or apartment. I guess it's nice of them, but I'm so apprehensive about seeing them. I'm really worried I won't be able to handle living with them again

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Administrative Purgatory

Permanent Linkby Axton on Tue Jun 19, 2012 10:51 am

I'm hoping that this site will be a safe environment for me to open up to people, to not have to actively suppress my thoughts/feelings/personality.

So I'm currently in the process of being separated from the military, on a medical dis-charge. I was placed on convalescent leave oct2011, and moved into the admin separation phase 2 months ago. Right now everything's on hold as i wait for the military to ever so slowly let me go.

The basic plan is that when I am officially a civilian again, the military will pay for one last plan ticket to my current state of legal residence, over on the east coast of the US.

Until then I'm doing busy work, remaining 'gainfully employed', passing one day at a time. ugh


This still feels so weird to me, just saying what I'm thinking. Still too rigid, but I'm working on it :)

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