I'm beginning to experience gender dysphoria *as* gender dysphoria.
I believe it has always been there, buried under other things. But, now that I've begun to open up to the girl inside, I am changing; and it's frustrating to not be out as a woman. I have moments when I'm irritable, even bitchy, and I have moments when I feel like climbing the walls. I want out; but I can't come out, not for the most part, anyway.
I am able to express myself somewhat, chiefly when I go walking or shopping at the mall. My ballet flats came in today, and I went to the mall to pick them up. I took my pocketbook in with me; this was the first time I'd done that. The salesgirl at the shoe store was not the same one that helped me make my purchase last week, and she seemed a trifle abrupt (I wonder why). Nevertheless, she was helpful when asked and even gave me a break; so, I can't complain.
Now, I'm just waiting for my bra. When it comes in, my outfit will be complete.
Except for the earrings I ordered yesterday! I ordered the greatest earrings. They were a little pricey, but too good to pass up. I knew that I wanted some dangly earrings with a French hook; and it occurred to me several days ago to look for butterflies, inasmuch as they symbolize transformation. I found them, and they're blue! Blue is, as you know, my color. I paid extra to have them expressed, so as to make sure I have them on time. I am apprehensive about taking the studs out of my ears – the last time they came out, I couldn't get them back in – but I really want to wear these to my appointment.
I've noticed that when I go to the mall I am identifying with the female imagery and the other women there in a way I didn't before. I am also constantly checking out what other women are wearing, to see if it's something that I might look good in.
I reached the 30-lb mark yesterday. I learned something very interesting this past week, concerning weight. I found ranges of proper weight for both men and women according to height and build. I'm not sure of my build, but I'm assuming it's medium, as opposed to small and large. Therefore, in order to figure out my target weight, I looked for the overlap between the proper weight for women and the proper weight for men; that way, if my weight falls within that overlap, my weight will be right for my genotype (male), and also for my presentation (female). It's a narrow range: 151-156. This is considerably lower than I had been aiming for, and it means that I've got nearly 90 lbs left to lose. I can't remember ever weighing that little as an adult.
I accidentally ran one of my camis through the dryer today. I thought I had washed only four, but I had washed five. It definitely shrank some, but it's still wearable. I love the spaghetti straps. There are different kinds of camis; but I knew I wanted spaghetti straps because they are so feminine. Having my shoulders bare beneath my shirt makes me feel so deliciously feminine!
I wish I had a necklace and a few rings to wear to my appointment. Maybe I'll go shopping for something early next week.