Hi! My name is Andy! I've been at wits with myself for the past few months now. I don't know if I am experiencing HOCD or Denial. I've been reading up on articles, journals, magazines. I've even researched internalized homophobia and OCD. I think about this all the time. I've thought about it to the point where I've become so depressed and anxious with my thoughts to the point where I am skipping class and my grades are suffering because of it. All of this started before my freshman year of college. I am involved in music and liberal arts where I am surrounded by homosexuals. I began to wonder "since I am around gay people. Does that make me gay?" After this, I began noticing masculine features (hair, beards, facial structure) and having thoughts of "Oh! He's cute" or "Oh! I would suck his d***" and violent sexual images kept entering my minds eye. Just recently, I began fixating on people. There is this one person in particular that I can't keep off of my mind. I don't know if I am infatuated with him or just fixating on him purely because of the thoughts but every time I think about this person: my singing improves, my heart rate slows down, I feel better whenever I repeat "I'm gay" to myself in my head. My parents think this is me "self-actualizing" the idea. I guess that I've done so much research that I have convinced myself of acting on the thoughts but then I keep questioning myself and it makes me more depressed. I want answers and therapists have told me to experiment but I'm afraid that this would confuse me more.

My romantic history has been very heterosexual. I dated a girl in the 9th grade. I was never sexually active with her because I chose to remain celibate. I did however make out with her on her couch and I enjoyed that very much. I loved her and was emotionally attached to her. But the thoughts however are making me doubt that I was ever physically attracted to her at all. I pursued many different women in high school but never dated them out of fear of rejection. I watched romantic comedies and sex comedies in high school because I liked relationships. Just recently, I went on a date with a girl, I kept thinking to myself on the date "God, I'm pretty sure I'm gay, I'm not interested at all." After the date I was so upset. I kept doubting myself because of my thoughts. I kept pursuing her and told her how I felt. She turned me down to get back with her ex-boyfriend. From there the thoughts spiked, I began to spiral out. I began skipping class, canceling my voice lessons, and not being myself. I am usually a happy guy but I started becoming flippant with my parents, siblings, and close friends. I've burned most bridges because the doubt and fact that I could be gay is so crippling to me. I am looking for advice and ways to cope. I am seeing a counselor and taking medication regularly. I am also getting a psychological evaluation. I seek advice and support. I want to know that I am not alone. Thanks!

You're not alone.

I'd consider laying a shortened version in open forum. Maybe the OCD forum, with an emphasis on the overdue nature of your thoughts.

If you feel that strongly that you might be gay, you might consider making a post in Relationships-> Sexuality concentrating on the ways you think you might be gay.

I think a small amount of bisexuality is normal in people. For most, I think it's so little that it's effectively ignored/suppressed. But OCD blows everything up bigger than it would be without the disorder. And I think could cause thoughts such as you have.

Or, you may be not straight. That's something you have to somehow set aside your fear and anxiety and try and be objective with yourself.

Thanks! I appreciate your insight!