Hi! My name is Andy! I've been at wits with myself for the past few months now. I don't know if I am experiencing HOCD or Denial. I've been reading up on articles, journals, magazines. I've even researched internalized homophobia and OCD. I think about this all the time. I've thought about it to the point where I've become so depressed and anxious with my thoughts to the point where I am skipping class and my grades are suffering because of it. All of this started before my freshman year of college. I am involved in music and liberal arts where I am surrounded by homosexuals. I began to wonder "since I am around gay people. Does that make me gay?" After this, I began noticing masculine features (hair, beards, facial structure) and having thoughts of "Oh! He's cute" or "Oh! I would suck his d***" and violent sexual images kept entering my minds eye. Just recently, I began fixating on people. There is this one person in particular that I can't keep off of my mind. I don't know if I am infatuated with him or just fixating on him purely because of the thoughts but every time I think about this person: my singing improves, my heart rate slows down, I feel better whenever I repeat "I'm gay" to myself in my head. My parents think this is me "self-actualizing" the idea. I guess that I've done so much research that I have convinced myself of acting on the thoughts but then I keep questioning myself and it makes me more depressed. I want answers and therapists have told me to experiment but I'm afraid that this would confuse me more.
My romantic history has been very heterosexual. I dated a girl in the 9th grade. I was never sexually active with her because I chose to remain celibate. I did however make out with her on her couch and I enjoyed that very much. I loved her and was emotionally attached to her. But the thoughts however are making me doubt that I was ever physically attracted to her at all. I pursued many different women in high school but never dated them out of fear of rejection. I watched romantic comedies and sex comedies in high school because I liked relationships. Just recently, I went on a date with a girl, I kept thinking to myself on the date "God, I'm pretty sure I'm gay, I'm not interested at all." After the date I was so upset. I kept doubting myself because of my thoughts. I kept pursuing her and told her how I felt. She turned me down to get back with her ex-boyfriend. From there the thoughts spiked, I began to spiral out. I began skipping class, canceling my voice lessons, and not being myself. I am usually a happy guy but I started becoming flippant with my parents, siblings, and close friends. I've burned most bridges because the doubt and fact that I could be gay is so crippling to me. I am looking for advice and ways to cope. I am seeing a counselor and taking medication regularly. I am also getting a psychological evaluation. I seek advice and support. I want to know that I am not alone. Thanks!