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AmI2014
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Homeless Hopeless, it is more than one letter difference

Permanent Linkby AmI2014 on Wed Oct 22, 2014 10:05 am

A few years ago, I had an emergency hospital experience. They restarted my heart twice, but could find no reason it was necessary, why they had to. I had been a victim of an unqualified sales presentation, with a cold laser, that affected my electrical systems after 5+ hours of continuous use as directed by sales reps. I changed my lifestyle, but had no insurance for follow-up. I've been cleared by Cardiologists 4 times as an adult, since they could not find the source of my dysfunction, it must be in my head. I still wasn't feeling 100%, so I found myself less able to work.
I had adult children and grandchildren living with me. The situation crescendo'd with my teenage grandson coming at me in anger and physical threatening me. I made his mother, sister and him move out. My daughter didn't speak to me for two years.
My oldest son was diagnosed with schizophrenia 8 years ago, now it's paranoid schizophrenia with anxiety disorder and severe depression and lived with me too. Some times he scares me. He's never hurt me, but I have dreams.
The end of the year, following the aforementioned experience, I reached the end of my mental rope and sought help. All I had to do was wait 6-8 weeks for intake, then another 6-8 wks for appt with a doctor. The center had no worries about that schedule. Well, if I had that much time left, I wouldn't have been looking for help, eh? I had to Baker Act myself in order to get help and man did that backfire!
The state stepped in and said you need medical care, and since you don't make enough money to be considered human, here is county insurance. Well, the mental health care available was beneficial, however the medical care was not. That is another story that repeats in my life.
So, with all these mandatory appointments, groups, and meds, I couldn't continue to work at my previous level. Remember: Less work=less money=less food-=no place to live. I've been single since my husband was killed in 1995, raised my 5 kids with only my mom to help. So. I couldn't keep up financially or emotionally.
I decided that the man I'd lived with for 10 years, who I supported for 6 of those years, would be a safe place for me. Wrong. I've learned he's not even safe for himself. haha
I sold my house and left the state with him, to start our own home. It's been 16 mos and we're still without a home. The money from the sale of my house, for down payment on new house is gone, I don't know where.
I look at my life today, and want to just stop breathing. I have no job, no income, no transportation, no meetings, no medical or mental health care, and very limited food (no money!). The reason I have none of these things is that my husband is almost ready to move or travel. We don't stay long enough for anything to be established or followed through on. We don't have a home still. He is looking for one, but all that he sees, for the past 18 months, are not acceptable and we've seen a lot.
I have chemical sensitivities, allergies and am not able to live on sugar and candy like my husband. He doesn't like to spend money on quality food, because he gets fat. Not from the candy, from the healthy food. So when he gets hungry, he eats candy or cookies. I don't tolerate that level of sugar in my system, so I have to wait until he decides it is appropriate to eat "real" food.
I get very lonely, he resents my time being focused on others. He becomes dismayed and interrupts when I get a phone call, they have become rarer each week. I feel he wants my focus to be only him.
So I got what I asked for. I just don't know how long I can live with it.

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