I just wanted to know if maybe anyone could explain me. Because I can't. And everyone is worried about me. For the longest time I wasn't, until now.

Background: I have been diagnosed with ADD. I'm in my teens and am very.. anti-social?

This is mostly about my personality. (what personality?) I have been faking feelings for so long now even I don't know what's real. I am extremely introverted and independent.

I basically feel like I don't need anyone. I mean literally. This may sound like the typical teenage rant. And at the end you could maybe clarify that. But I want you to try to understand me first.

From the second I was born (youngest of 3 other extremely loud siblings) I hardly ever spoke. Unless absolutely necessary. But with that I just.. didn't feel anything..

I have a psychiatrist and she just can't quite figure me out. And another who is not technically mine, just finds me fascinating.

I fake a smile. Not like a normal person. Because every smile is fake. I act very polite and people take it as shy. Because they think I really am friendly with them. But I feel more aloof. I feel cold and like I have no compassion. When everyone else is crying or sad I push out some tears and I desperately WANT to feel something. But I just can't seem to.

Yet at the same time. I am actually quite emotional. Does that make sense? Not like typical mood swings. I think because I am introverted. Some things touch me and I actually FEEL more emotions. I cry more and get frustrated very easily. But humans are social animals right?

I just don't feel any empathy or compassion towards most humans. And the few I do I am very protective of. But other than them I feel almost.. beyond human (I know I sound like a jerk but I'm just trying to be completely honest.) Even a death in the family happened and I just couldn't feel anything and it hurt me. I hate being like this.

Even I WANT to be able to be social from time to time. But I just CAN"T FEEL. And no good interaction is good without true feelings right?

A really good (bad) way of describing myself is Dexter. I fake feelings and have a teensy bit for about one person. And I LOVE children and animals. But even marriage seems dumb for me, like I'm incapable of love. I like being by myself and doing things my way. Other teens my age annoy me and I almost feel a bit snotty but at the same time I care ABOUT them. Just not FOR them? Yes, greedy may be another description)

I think a huge part of life is whatever it is I'm missing out on. I love charities and helping others as long as I don't have to socialize with them (unless kids or animals)

Maybe have a look in schizoid-personality/ and avoidant-personality/ to start with? Teens aren't generally diagnosed with disorders like that. Since the personality is still developing. And it would be possible to pathologise stuff that can be a healthy developmental phase in teenagers. [Like questioning authority, avoiding talking to people, mood swings, etc] But as you get older, if those characteristics don't change. That's when a PD diagnosis becomes more straightforward.

If you've a pattern of harming animals or people in the past. Or think you may care strongly about yourself but not others. Then antisocial-personality/ might be another place to look. But antisocial is different to asocial. And it seems to me like you're not against society, just "outside" it.

I don't mean to imply a label by my suggestions. Just that finding people who relate may be helpful for support. And maybe for ideas in dealing with this in the meantime. But hopefully not making you feel "wrong" or "defective." I genuinely don't believe in "normal." The trick is to work out a lifestyle that works for you, whoever you are inside.