A few weeks back I couldn't make it to therapy because of a transportation issue (tube was down). Completely out of my control. and I pretty much broke down. This event triggered for me my need to "not need". Not need anything. So I have canceled the last two therapy sessions since. Under the guise that I need a break. But really most days I feel I am quitting. Over the past 2 years or so I have been on and off in therapy, I have "quit" a number of times. It brings me a sense of control, when you quit you are in control of participating. Obviously, I have always returned.
But now I am pushing away therapy with all kinds of logic. We can convince ourselves of legitimate reasons for everything we do. I'm taking a break, I'm too busy, I'm this and that. Some of the l reasons are that I am tired of dealing with my issues. I wish in part I had never started therapy - ignorance is bliss they say. I am quitting because I can no longer deal with myself even with the help of my therapist. I have grown too attached to him, and I trust him. This makes me vulnerable and I cannot be like this. Look at the mess I was in when I couldn't see him, for one bloody session. It is unhealthy for me to have this attachment to him. I need to break it. I want to not trust him.
I want him out of my life because he represents something I cannot have in my real life. Someone who accepts me for who I am, listens to me, and seems at least partly interested in my journey. I don't know what to do with him. I feel good when I connect with him, but our connection is not real. He helps me, I cannot help him. He listens to me, I cannot listen to him. I know that is what his job is and what the therapeutic relationship should be. But it leaves me feeling, atm, angry, disconnected and hopeless.
For now I am quitting. Hopefully it is just a break.
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I think you are trying to convince yourself that you trusted him. Like if you say it enough it will be true. were you scared to let him go because you thought he was all you had, when in fact what you needed was more? I think you always had doubt and I am glad you have realized that he is not right for us. I hope you are ok with it now. We will find someone new.
THis post is very much what I'm experiencing now. My relationship with my T is a constant reminder of what I didn't have growing up. And the fact that I can't just be adopted by her makes me so sad. Good to know others have felt exactly like me. It's true...I'm afraid of a relationship where I'll be vulnerable AND validated. I don't know why I FEAR this though.
That's Wolfie(aka Timber) in my Avatar. The Roma jacket helps him feel safe. It helps me feel safe, too.
DX-Generalized Anxiety Disorder, Depression
it is scary hun, it is scary for me too. I am not sure if I will ever get there. Eventually I push everyone/everything away that I feel connected to. If I could muster up any kind of strength I could make a sad ole list of the ppl I have pushed away and hurt, but there is not much point because they are gone. What I find particularly hard in my life atm is that I have reached a stage in my life where I cannot just pick up, leave and move on. This t, my former t, had said about a month a go when I was leaving that "how you negotiate your relationship with your therapist and with therapy is important and will help you negotiate relationships with current relationships and ones in the future. If I had only taken his words to heart. I pushed him away and walked out. I am telling you this divided, because I think you have a great opportunity here, you are young and you know all of this already about yourself and you have the opportunity to work on this aspect of yourself. Because it doesn't go away and there are consequences for constantly pushing ppl away. Please stick with you T and keep communicating with her. You are doing such a great job.
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