I know it's been a while since I wrote a blog, actually been a while since I remembered this site existed. Weird, I know. I just got so caught up in everything I forgot there were other options out there.
I've been in therepie for my Borderline Personality Disorder ( I hate the term 'disorder', don't you?) for almost 18 months now. It's actually been 16 to be exact. And the group therapie lasts for 18 months. After that there is aftertreatment, which means I still have my individual appointments but not the group, and those will slowly lessen as well until they apparently decide I can handle life on my own now. Yeah right...

My therapie group consists out of 9 patients. We have 3 therapists we share and have a group session twice a week with 2 therapists attending (they rotate). My terapists are, well, one of them is great, one I only get to see in group but she's pretty good for me as well, and one is my main thereapist and we get along about 50% of the time. But I can live with that.

The group, the other patients however, I can not live with. It's even come to the point now that I don't go to group sessions anymore. Those sessions, and especially the people in them have broken me into little pieces.
I have 2 more months to go in the group, and I don't want to. I feel like I'm being bullied there, and even my therapists seem to agree with me on that point. Still they want me to go back out there, somehow. I've only been away for 3 sessions so far, and already I feel less anxious and more myself.
Even though I jumped on the suicidal train last wednesday. Didn't do anything, mind you, just wanted to, thought about it. Spoke with my therapist the day after. It didn't really help but then again, I'm not sure what would've helped either so I guess it's okay.

But by now I can't wait for this therapie to be over, I can't wait to leave the group, can't wait to get back to my old therapist who told me I could come back after.
I feel like I've learned some important things, but lost who I am in the process.
And I just don't know how to face another day anymore...