A few weeks back I couldn't make it to therapy because of a transportation issue (tube was down). Completely out of my control. and I pretty much broke down. This event triggered for me my need to "not need". Not need anything. So I have canceled the last two therapy sessions since. Under the guise that I need a break. But really most days I feel I am quitting. Over the past 2 years or so I have been on and off in therapy, I have "quit" a number of times. It brings me a sense of control, when you quit you are in control of participating. Obviously, I have always returned.
But now I am pushing away therapy with all kinds of logic. We can convince ourselves of legitimate reasons for everything we do. I'm taking a break, I'm too busy, I'm this and that. Some of the l reasons are that I am tired of dealing with my issues. I wish in part I had never started therapy - ignorance is bliss they say. I am quitting because I can no longer deal with myself even with the help of my therapist. I have grown too attached to him, and I trust him. This makes me vulnerable and I cannot be like this. Look at the mess I was in when I couldn't see him, for one bloody session. It is unhealthy for me to have this attachment to him. I need to break it. I want to not trust him.
I want him out of my life because he represents something I cannot have in my real life. Someone who accepts me for who I am, listens to me, and seems at least partly interested in my journey. I don't know what to do with him. I feel good when I connect with him, but our connection is not real. He helps me, I cannot help him. He listens to me, I cannot listen to him. I know that is what his job is and what the therapeutic relationship should be. But it leaves me feeling, atm, angry, disconnected and hopeless.
For now I am quitting. Hopefully it is just a break.
Sam