Yes, yes,.. some would say they're all just labels and to extent I agree; however, there sometimes is something in name. While there are many things in the name I suppose the highlighted one is that one has to do with mood, and the other with personality -- and I'm beginning to understand what that means precisely.
I have to say, I feel a bit of a fool really. Although I don't regret by any means my 713 posts in the BPD forum, and would not take the time spent there back, and mostly especially not take back the amazing friends I've made -- the fact remains that I spent a year, and posted 713 posts on the wrong forum. I did; however, take away much knowledge from it which helped me greatly no doubt due to the possibly relation between the two. But yeah, I very well may not have BPD at all.
You see, I've had the diagnosis of Bipolar II for 7 years but after about 2 years I became convinced it was wrong --I'll get into that some other time-- and that my initial diagnosis of Major Depression was the correct one yet doctors refused to change it. Then, over the course of 4 years I began to realize that, no, there was more going on. Eventually I began to strongly expect I had BPD, and that belief was further cemented by me relating to people with BPD on a certain level, to a certain degree.
But more than anything I suppose it was that if it wasn't MDD, wasn't Bipolar II, then BPD was the most logical conclusion. Or at least, that was my line of reasoning.
So how did I discover this finding? My financial situation has become extremely tight, and I saw the medication as untenable. So, for the first time in 7 years I went off Lamictal decidedly. Need I tell you what happened? It started so slow and subtlety, crept up in a way I can only describe as insidious, so much so that I didn't realize what was happening (what had happened) until it was nearly too late. I had to make an emergency appointment with a walk-in clinic.
Although a couple suggested it, I saw little need to go to a hospital to be 'monitored' and under 'observation' until the med fully built up in my blood stream as to be 'safe', as it was only a hypomania (mixed-state hypo...), I caught it early enough, and was confident in my ability to self-monitor and self-obverse myself. Honestly, I'm a bit proud of myself for making that call, getting that appointment and going there on my own -- no one in real life knew anything was going wrong as during the worst of it I shut myself in.
They still don't know,.. only what little I told them in order to end their curiosity of why I disappeared and seemed a bit off. Lamictal still hasn't fully built up in my blood and I'm still flying about the place -- but I tell you I noticed the difference a short while after the first pill. This doctor I saw believed, yes, hypomania and he too agreed with Bipolar II. Apparently he could tell "just by looking at me", which is saying a lot as I hide things well.
So that's that I suppose. This is my introduction. I'm still a bit lost over it all but on the whole I'm adjusting to the new reality well me thinks. My biggest concern of all is definitely that now I fear my relationships with people who I consider dear mat change. Some have already shown the danger, the possibility, or at least the plausibility of it -- even though I don't believe that will happen.
I try to tell said people we like each other and are friends as we like each other as people not as we share(d) the same issue but their fear still exists; which is, frankly, hurtful to me. Our bond grew beyond BPD, it quit being about that, we were mates. It's hard for them to see that, and, yeah, ouchy...
Suddenly, I'm that stupid term I always hated anyway, a 'non', an 'evil big bad non' the boogiemen of 'BPDers' .. I suppose due to how much stigma and shite pwBPD get, many individuals (see what I did there?) feel inferior and/or insecure which causes a clique --more like clan, and with some almost cult-like-- mentally to protect themselves as a unified entity safe from the evil 'nons'. I have never believed in that term... always thought it was idiotic.
Naturally one with BPD also finds identity in it, as that would naturally follow the diagnosis, as they're searching for identity and understanding of themselves in anything. My feeling of identity in my erroneous case of BPD was short lived as before too long it seemed a rather shallow way in which to define myself.
I feel a bit guilty for feeling this way as well as saying it -- but thank Thor I personally no longer have to even consider worrying about that horrid stigma anymore. That is no help to my mates, though.
Wow, that was longer than expected. If you've gotten this far, then thank you for reading.
"I assess the power of a will by how much resistance, pain, torture it endures and knows how to turn it to its advantage." -- Friedrich Nietzsche