by Sev Ral » Tue Aug 19, 2014 6:51 pm
I have pretty much known I had a problem since I was a teenager (I am 44 now). AT one point when I was around 16 I was seeing a psychiatrist, I was cycling alot back then, and he felt I was Bi Polar, but I remember he went on a vacation, and I went back to normal mode and never went back. I seemed okay for a long time after that. I always seemed to have a lot of friends, what I never realized was unbeknownst to me, my swings would prevent me from having meaningful relationships with people. I would drink a lot to try to rationalize my behaviour. When I was having highs/mania I was great I could go for days at a time without or barely sleeping, party, gamble, whatever, with out a care in the world. When the lows came they would not last very long, a couple of weeks, a month or two, then I would be back to normal. By then, I would have to move on and find a new group of "friends". I have destroyed every meaningful relationship I ever had. 2 suicide attempts that were half hearted and 1 that put me in ICU for 48 hours followed by a week of in patient treatment. I basically lied my butt off to get out. That was about 4 years ago. They put me on a variety of different meds when I went to the follow up sessions, but I ended up on a generic version of Zoloft. I started to rebuild my life, my GF took me back, and thing were going great. Of course I stopped taking any medications, and still seemed fine, as far as I knew. Then it all started over again. Being around people became a chore, I was up I was down, I would stay in bed all day, I started drinking again, I would gamble insanely, I would do things that I look back at now and try to figure out what was I doing.
It is amazing that I have pretty much known for 28 years, and I have done everything in my power to avoid any treatment. The last episode I had lasted for about a year, long enough to ensure I could destroy all of my relationships again. Thankfully I put enough money away (protected) to keep me from completely losing everything. I think I woke up a few days ago, I suddenly realized how much I screwed everything up, and made an appointment to a psychiatrist. I am going through a lot of guilt and remorse now. My ex kicked me out, and I do not blame her, she wants little to do with me now, and I regret that more than all of the other things I have messed up.
Personally, I know I only have a short window to seek help, before my brain tries to convince me I am fine. For me it is like looking back at a bad dream. I have no comprehension of what I was doing, she told me dozens of times I needed to get help, but I never listened. The only positives in my life now are I am still working, and I am not suicidal. In a way I am not looking for sympathy, but understanding. People always tell me how they can't deal with the roller coaster ride, I want to scream how do you think I feel? But at the end of the day, I know it is my own fault, I should have been in therapy, taking meds, doing whatever I had to do to keep myself together.