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What's Your Story?

Bipolar Disorder message board, open discussion, and online support group.

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Re: What's Your Story?

Postby Hypotenuse » Tue Aug 12, 2014 6:42 pm

Salut, are you french, by any chance ? Considering your greetings, and your sig.... :)
Thank you for your message. But sadly, and this is why I did my last suicide attempt, her familiy decided to write my family a latter stating that if I try to contact her again, they will go to the court. So I can't tell her about my illness, but I think my friends will do. And maybe she will think twice about what happened.

Anyway, thank you, I feel at home here. :)
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Re: What's Your Story?

Postby sixprime » Tue Aug 12, 2014 6:49 pm

Hypotenuse wrote:Salut, are you french, by any chance ? Considering your greetings, and your sig.... :)


Je suis canadien :)
Excusez pour le mal que j'ai pu faire, il est involontaire
- Solaar
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Re: What's Your Story?

Postby Misunderstood1 » Sat Aug 16, 2014 10:17 pm

Hi my name is Misunderstood1. I am 37 yrs old and from New York City now living in New Jersey .Where do I start? How about when I was about 8yrs old. I was an overly hyperactive child. At times very destructive but never aggressive. I remember my mother taking me to a therapist although I did not know they were therapist at the time nor did I care. I would go to sessions often and I believe at that time I was diagnosed with ADHD . So I was prescribed Ritalin . My mother at the time also was mentally ill. So I think that probably subconsciously compounded some of my own issues. I was beaten often for many of the things I did as a child. Finally by the age of about 13yrs old I was hospitalized in a children's unit. I believe there I was ultimately diagnosed with bipolar disorder . I was given a bunch of different medications. But the only one I remember is Lithium. Probably because it was the last one I ever took. There I experienced some horrific things . I've been physically retrained and given sedatives by needle .Ive be been placed I a rubber room for hours on end. I've been strapped to a gurney. I think today I still struggle with control issues because of this.

Eventually I was move to a different facility. One that was less restrictive . And there I was. Still in the system. I believe I overtime I developed this resentment towards everyone and everything that was responsible for my being in those facilities. That when I was 18yrs old and eventually released. I ran . emotionally and physically I ran and ran and ran. First I moved out of the country. I thought of a fresh start and getting as far away from my past as possible. I told myself I wasn't bipolar and that I didn't need any help or pills. And that I would never be what I believe in my mind "held captive or controlled again" by anyone or anything ever again. Well for the past 20 yrs I've destroyed almost every relationship I've ever had. Including with my own children. I've been living in denial . Which brings me to my current situation . Ive been married for 12 yrs now. I have 4 children .two of which are with my current wife .My wife is having trouble coming to terms with this. She doesn't really understand how this consumes me daily .My disorder is destroying my life . I can't even identify my highs and lows like most people on this forum. Everyone else sees it but me. I've done so much damaged to those around me that I don't even know if I can ever fix it. I wish I cud just go to sleep and wake up the next day with out this disorder.
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Re: What's Your Story?

Postby AcutelyUnaware » Mon Aug 18, 2014 12:37 pm

Misunderstood1,
I can relate to your story to a degree in a lot of ways. You're not alone in not being able to know your highs and lows. I struggle a lot with that still, 10 years after being diagnosed and 32 years on this earth and my wife of 6 years knows more about my highs and lows than I do.

The struggle is hard and it doesn't end but you have a family and I know for myself I find comfort in that, my family helps me along and helps me to cope because I never developed coping skills on my own. Good luck and thank you for sharing your story.
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Re: What's Your Story?

Postby Bipolar Bearr » Mon Aug 18, 2014 8:38 pm

Hi everyone!

Here's a 22 year old girl who's still stuck in diagnostic procedures, but all my therapists seem to agree that I've got Bipolar Disorder II. Still kind of figuring out what that means, but from what I've read so far this explains a lot of the major events in my life so far.

I've been keeping a blog for a few months now, so if anyone's interested in reading that, here's the link:

http://bipolarbearr.wordpress.com

I really hope to meet some people here because I personally don't know anyone who's bipolar, so nice to meet you!
Diagnosis: Rapid cycling bipolar II, PDD-NOS
Meds: Lithium (Priadel) 800 mg

My personal blog: https://bipolarbearr.wordpress.com
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Re: What's Your Story?

Postby Sev Ral » Tue Aug 19, 2014 6:51 pm

I have pretty much known I had a problem since I was a teenager (I am 44 now). AT one point when I was around 16 I was seeing a psychiatrist, I was cycling alot back then, and he felt I was Bi Polar, but I remember he went on a vacation, and I went back to normal mode and never went back. I seemed okay for a long time after that. I always seemed to have a lot of friends, what I never realized was unbeknownst to me, my swings would prevent me from having meaningful relationships with people. I would drink a lot to try to rationalize my behaviour. When I was having highs/mania I was great I could go for days at a time without or barely sleeping, party, gamble, whatever, with out a care in the world. When the lows came they would not last very long, a couple of weeks, a month or two, then I would be back to normal. By then, I would have to move on and find a new group of "friends". I have destroyed every meaningful relationship I ever had. 2 suicide attempts that were half hearted and 1 that put me in ICU for 48 hours followed by a week of in patient treatment. I basically lied my butt off to get out. That was about 4 years ago. They put me on a variety of different meds when I went to the follow up sessions, but I ended up on a generic version of Zoloft. I started to rebuild my life, my GF took me back, and thing were going great. Of course I stopped taking any medications, and still seemed fine, as far as I knew. Then it all started over again. Being around people became a chore, I was up I was down, I would stay in bed all day, I started drinking again, I would gamble insanely, I would do things that I look back at now and try to figure out what was I doing.

It is amazing that I have pretty much known for 28 years, and I have done everything in my power to avoid any treatment. The last episode I had lasted for about a year, long enough to ensure I could destroy all of my relationships again. Thankfully I put enough money away (protected) to keep me from completely losing everything. I think I woke up a few days ago, I suddenly realized how much I screwed everything up, and made an appointment to a psychiatrist. I am going through a lot of guilt and remorse now. My ex kicked me out, and I do not blame her, she wants little to do with me now, and I regret that more than all of the other things I have messed up.

Personally, I know I only have a short window to seek help, before my brain tries to convince me I am fine. For me it is like looking back at a bad dream. I have no comprehension of what I was doing, she told me dozens of times I needed to get help, but I never listened. The only positives in my life now are I am still working, and I am not suicidal. In a way I am not looking for sympathy, but understanding. People always tell me how they can't deal with the roller coaster ride, I want to scream how do you think I feel? But at the end of the day, I know it is my own fault, I should have been in therapy, taking meds, doing whatever I had to do to keep myself together.
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Re: What's Your Story?

Postby Sev Ral » Thu Aug 21, 2014 10:22 pm

I don't even know why I remembered this today, but when I was a little kid I was at school one day, and we had recess, we were going outside and it was a little cold so I put on a jacket, but a couple of my 'friends' did not need a jacket. I started to cry, the teacher asked me why, and I couldn't tell her why, so I said I don't know. I remember they were worried about me at that school, at one point I would go to the principals office twice a week to talk, just about what I was thinking, homelife, etc. They always seemed concerned because I tested so high on everything (not smart, just a good test taker). So maybe it started even earlier? I don't know if I was ever happy as a kid. We moved a lot, I always had to make new friends, many times I found it easier to be alone. When I am normal it seems like I am a great guy, but when this hits me, it is like hell. Even though I thought I woke up from this, it has come back in the last 2 days. If I wasn't self employed and Lying to everyone I would be out of work. I hate lying but I know I can't tell most people what is really going on. My brain can not just decide to settle down. I really think I am drinking more now, to stop the mania, somehow depression seems safer.
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Re: What's Your Story?

Postby Anonymous Anomality » Sun Aug 31, 2014 10:24 pm

It took a few years to finally get diagnosed Bipolar 1 with psychosis. Back then they just called it manic depressant. At first they could not figure out what came first, the drug abuse or my illness. I was first diagnosed with major depression, but the next year was diagnosed BP1. Although I've only had 3 full manic episodes and the last one 15 years ago, I am actually closer to BP2 with [psychosis if there is such a thing lol. But every pdoc tells me no, I will remain bipolar 1.

The last 5 years have been getting worse with more hypomanic states, and rarely the good kind. I also seem to have a lot of anxiety, general and social. I have some OCD traits but not enough to be diag with it.

My biggest triggers seem to be any disruption in my routine. It will either send me in a depressive state, or worse a bad manic state. I don't like change.

I've been going to therapists for so long I know the drill, so I only go when I have to. I was officially diagnosed with Manic Depressant in 1998.

I am married have twins boy and girl age 10. This is my 2nd marriage. My first one ended messy as that was the year we lost our only son at age 14 in a drowning accident. It was horrible and I believe was the last straw that broke the camel's back. We drifted in opposite directions and she filed for a divorce the following year. She went down a purely depressive road, I went down a totally reckless road with lot of substance abuse and arrests. After 3 hospitalizations I finally started getting better and continued my out patient program for 1 year. Then I met my second wife.

Currently IO hold a full time job and remain pretty functional, well enough to fool most people. These days I really am closer to BP2 but I do get psychosis pretty bad some times.

We all definitely have a story to tell!
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Re: What's Your Story?

Postby Cdog33 » Mon Sep 01, 2014 3:33 am

Hi Guys

Im Cdog. I'm 33 and was 'diagnosed' with a 'bipolar type disorder' around 6 years ago. I'm thinking of going for a second opinion. There is definatley something wrong with me but I've never experienced what I would call a 'manic' episode but, as far as I can tell, I have had hypo-manic episodes on a number of occasions. My symptoms are usually hyper-sexuality, increased exercise, increased spending, anxiety. The hyper-sexuality worries me alot as I am married with a young child. I have managed to not actually have full intercourse but i spend a lot of time in chatrooms and have engaged in oral on a handful of occassions. Basically, after I do these things I am thrown into a depression. I have a hisotry of heay drug use (primarily meth, gbl, E, pot)but do not do those things anymore. I do however drink a lot.

Hi
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Re: What's Your Story?

Postby Sev Ral » Mon Sep 01, 2014 6:31 am

Cdog33 wrote:Hi Guys

Im Cdog. I'm 33 and was 'diagnosed' with a 'bipolar type disorder' around 6 years ago. I'm thinking of going for a second opinion. There is definatley something wrong with me but I've never experienced what I would call a 'manic' episode but, as far as I can tell, I have had hypo-manic episodes on a number of occasions. My symptoms are usually hyper-sexuality, increased exercise, increased spending, anxiety. The hyper-sexuality worries me alot as I am married with a young child. I have managed to not actually have full intercourse but i spend a lot of time in chatrooms and have engaged in oral on a handful of occassions. Basically, after I do these things I am thrown into a depression. I have a hisotry of heay drug use (primarily meth, gbl, E, pot)but do not do those things anymore. I do however drink a lot.

Hi


People will always blame the drugs and alcohol, first. They can know what is really going on, but, they will ignore it. It makes it easier for them.
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