How's Your Mood Today?

Pretty wobbly, had a major social occasion where I didn't know hardly anyone and really struggled plus was with my mum which is hard. We're back in the bnb now so I'm trying to decompress and not cry. Need to read and chill.

I just spoke to my mum and I feel better. Got an excellent book too. If I can get off the Internet ha ha

I feel like I'm getting vertigo so I took my prescription pills to counteract it. I hope this passes, because I don't want to spend my Saturday in the ER.

Annoyed.

Putting normal clothes on always brings me down. I'm a fat cow and I hate going out. I can't stand to look at myself, and I don't want anybody else to look at me either.

The week is starting, and I'm already sick of it.

Lotta headjunk, but it seems I'm getting by. Deadlines that I already had, and drama I somehow got roped into thanks to one of the people being a crazy ex. Hoping I can keep the eventual low at bay till at least Tuesday when I'm off.

Not sure how I'm gonna deal with the ex situation. First it was this sort of awkward bad attempt at a hookup (not even kidding the ex messaged a friend to message me. Like high school or something), then I find she's shacking up with someone I know. I warned them about her with the batsh*t messages from her...they stupidly told her/eluded why they were breaking up, and now I'm dealing with the crazy trying to find out my address and number because I didn't tell her after I moved for obvious reasons. She's resorted to finding people I know through FB, and other social sites with folks she knows I know to spread drama of me (seriously wtf, I haven't even seen her in 2 years) Sadly this has reached my mother. Btw this is now the 2nd time my overly religious mom refused to believe a woman when told that I was an ex. I'm assuming her knowing I have a boyfriend this time helps that denial too.

Headache.

I think I might be depressed, but my meds are keeping it from getting extreme.

My amazing (for me) run of good days came to an end Friday afternoon. I don't remember it being so well delineated before, but late Friday afternoon it was like I had put a lead coat on. The spring in my step was gone and I was suddenly feeling really tired. I hoped it was the effects of not getting enough sleep catching up to me, but I really had not been cutting that too short the previous couple of nights.

I had to drive about 40 miles in a dark rain storm to throw a little anxiety in the mix. It was on a busy freeway and the conditions were bothering other drivers less than they were me; I definitely felt like my perception was worse than the conditions actually were. I moved over to the right lane. It was a complex freeway in a large urban area and with all the forks and merges and whatnot, lanes come and go. I ended up in "not really a lane" zones a couple of times, but merged back in okay.

I turned in early holding out hope for the "not enough sleep" angle, but was still in a heavier fog than usual on Saturday morning. Late in the day Saturday, I tried to use my trick of over caffeinating to kick up a little hypomanic reaction. I had a venti (extra large) latte with an extra shot of espresso, a 16 oz Monster and a regular cup of coffee and it did nothing for me. I didn't even have trouble getting to sleep a few hours later. I had the lump in my throat and thoughts were anything but upbeat. A rare symptom for me even occured - I cried for no reason. I did it again this morning early in the 5 hour drive back home. Not bawling; just tearing up and having one roll down every couple of minutes.

I can make light banter and put up an okay brave face but when I am alone everything is in the crapper. I can detach and see that it is just negative thinking but I can't stop thinking it anyway and now I am frustrated and sad. I shared with my wife and she said I need to call my pdoc because one of our kids has been having trouble lately and she can't have us both crashing at the same time. After a couple of decades you think she would understand this is not like ordering a pizza.

So anyway, I crashed and I am down. Hopefully not for long. That was the longest I have gone without being depressed in over 20 years. Yes, I was slightly to moderately hypomanic and not everyone enjoyed it as much as I did. but I did not miss depression; not one bit. It sucks just as bad as I remember.

Bad

I feel like I was fake sleeping all night. I tricked myself and seemingly got some sleep. While actually doing and thinking other things. I'm so mean, to myself.