How's Your Mood Today?

@Ennui, wishing you luck with getting back to stability. Lots of it!

I've been so "out of it" mentally. I want to just be alone and escape life sometimes. I don't think it's depression but whatever it is, I hope it only lasts today or even just a little while.

quietgirl2538 wrote:I've been so "out of it" mentally. I want to just be alone and escape life sometimes. I don't think it's depression but whatever it is, I hope it only lasts today or even just a little while.

That describes the feeling I get when I get near bottom. Escape, not end, life; I never get suicidal, but I get extremely withdrawn. When I am just a little down I fantasize a lot when I do that; just lying around in the sun kind of fantasies mostly.

Not today. Zoom, zoom, zoom! I couldn't have timed it much better. Looming deadline; knocked off the only item of real concern and managed to keep myself in check pretty well on a status call (not perfect; I did get "okay, okay - we got it" once).

@UpDownAround I love your avatar. Also I get the same way about escape rather than suicide. Plus the stories I've heard of the poor folks who've survived attempted suicides...yeah couldn't bring myself to it simply for that alone.

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I had Starbucks today. Medically speaking, I'm not supposed to. I'm cycling big time today. I have a dr's appointment later, and I'm super duper not ok. I'm going in to find out what's wrong with me involving symptoms that other family members who've died of cancer have had. It's only a consultation, so no actual tests yet. I've been going from manic laughter, to manic tears to staring comatose while simultaneously not allowing myself to think about things and it's not even 11am.

Edit: glad I called to confirm my appointment (sarcasm) They gave the the wrong date/marked it down wrong. Now I have to wait until next Tuesday. Oh I can tell this week is gonna be all sorts of a roller-coaster.

I'm pretty happy! Last night at the gym, I weighed myself, and I lost weight!! It's coming off slowly, but at least it's coming off. I hope by this time next year, I would have lost all 50 lbs of it.

It's just crazy, after a lifetime of roller coaster rides, 5 hospitalizations, and a billion med combinations, I am finally stable. I feel like I have either been cured, or never had bipolar to begin with. I know both are not true, but that's how it feels. I have made so much progress..

Now all I need to focus on is my weight and finding a job (which I have been trying both for months). I'm only afraid that the stresses of working will make my symptoms flare up. When I work, I dissociate and have panic attacks. I have extreme anxiety before going to work. So I'm a bit afraid. Only time will tell, and my therapy is there, if I need to go back.

Holodeck wrote:I had Starbucks today. Medically speaking, I'm not supposed to. I'm cycling big time today. I have a dr's appointment later, and I'm super duper not ok. I'm going in to find out what's wrong with me involving symptoms that other family members who've died of cancer have had. It's only a consultation, so no actual tests yet. I've been going from manic laughter, to manic tears to staring comatose while simultaneously not allowing myself to think about things and it's not even 11am.

Edit: glad I called to confirm my appointment (sarcasm) They gave the the wrong date/marked it down wrong. Now I have to wait until next Tuesday. Oh I can tell this week is gonna be all sorts of a roller-coaster.

Wow; I hope you get good news when you have that appointment.

I don't get outright laughter but the grins and chuckles always come at the most inappropriate times. Like when somebody tells me something like that in person. My mind runs from that kind of thinking even when it does not affect me.

"What are you laughing at?!?"
"Instagram."
"Your phone has been in your pocket the whole time!"
"I got skills..."

I hope a little attempted levity is helpful.

Oh yeah, how do I feel today? Pretty good, but doing some intense reflection on this hill top makes it kind of a mixed bag. It sucks that I can only see what needs to be fixed on days it doesn't need fixing (opinions vary; my inbox indicates that I lack clarity at times). I should write an Outlook macro for average email thread length and see how closely it tracks how I feel...

UpDownAround wrote:

Holodeck wrote:I had Starbucks today. Medically speaking, I'm not supposed to. I'm cycling big time today. I have a dr's appointment later, and I'm super duper not ok. I'm going in to find out what's wrong with me involving symptoms that other family members who've died of cancer have had. It's only a consultation, so no actual tests yet. I've been going from manic laughter, to manic tears to staring comatose while simultaneously not allowing myself to think about things and it's not even 11am.

Edit: glad I called to confirm my appointment (sarcasm) They gave the the wrong date/marked it down wrong. Now I have to wait until next Tuesday. Oh I can tell this week is gonna be all sorts of a roller-coaster.

"What are you laughing at?!?"
"Instagram."
"Your phone has been in your pocket the whole time!"
"I got skills..."

I hope a little attempted levity is helpful.

Thank you. That's beautiful, and yes it is. ^_^

Yeah mine is more like chuckles than laughter too actually. Normally I don't laugh out loud, so I guess that 0-100 makes it seem more like laughter. I have weird reactive tendencies though. For instance, most people who know me well know that me smiling = bad.

So it's after midnight here and a new day. I think it's going to be another good day but I feel like I have just about spent enough time aloft. Hopefully the pilot will bring it in nice and slow and land on a tropical beach where I can sun in a hammock this weekend instead of going nose first into another burned out warehouse...

I think I'm calm/stableish.

*waits skeptically*

So last night (early AM) I was sensing something and trying to talk myself into believing I need some down time to recharge. Not the deep dark down (I hope) time just less mentally taxing. Today the sigh is back. It isn't constant or even crazy frequent; I am not dwelling on anything or despondent. But between tasks or emails, my elbows find the armrests, I take a deep breath and...

but not quite

quietgirl2538 wrote:@Ennui, wishing you luck with getting back to stability. Lots of it!

I've been so "out of it" mentally. I want to just be alone and escape life sometimes. I don't think it's depression but whatever it is, I hope it only lasts today or even just a little while.

@quietgirl2538, Thanks so much for your kind words! I'm still struggling with extreme anxiety but luckily managed to sleep better last night than I have been. I still don't feel fully stable but am hopefully getting there. Hugs!

I'm sorry to hear you've been feeling down and wanting to escape from life. It's a common thought I have too when my mood's low and I tend to self isolate a lot. I really hope you've been feeling better since you last wrote.