crazymonkey wrote:I have huge problems with social anxiety and keeping friendships going. I always let the ball drop, or my mania / depression ends up ruining relationships. Its terrible. I think it might be common in BP. I hope that with the stability the meds bring, I will be able to start fresh. I still hate social situations, and I think that is just my personality, but at least I won't appear crazy or too manic in front of people. Just know it is ok to have one or two friends, you don't have to be the life of the party. Also, getting to connect here is a good way to feel less alone in this whole thing. It has helped me a lot. Stay strong!
Crazymonkey, you totally said it: "I always let the ball drop". You took the words out of my mouth. I totally feel like I let the ball drop in social/relationship situations and/or I don't even see it in play. Somehow often I am not even on the court to be a part of it.
I think that trips people out. I am trying to emulate people and just get involved. I really was shocked how satisfying it is to have certain normal relationship interactions. However they often self destruct. So I am very cautious to build relationships with people I actually like, admire, respect, am attracted to or care for. It's almost easier just to be ignored by them, than to cause them to run away and think terrible things about you. It's like I just want to save them the heart ache. But I am also interested in saving my reputation. In my attempt to rebuild a normal life I have exposed myself to being severely disliked and misunderstood by people.
I am really hoping I can find people who are a little bit odd like myself. I am getting the sense that this might be possible. It really seems like the only option. I just can't keep trying to be normal and fit in. To avoid having people find out about my past or my current struggles. About my real opinions etc. I have tried hard to fake it, since I started taking meds, and did ok, but it hasn't really built more than a few decent longer term relationships. I guess I just got lonely along the way and wanted to see why normal people were so content with their lives. I found one 2 people in 3 years that I thought were awesome. Gave me hope to keep going. I never would have met them, if I had lived a standard normal life. My normal friends don't know people like this. But I can't stay here and keep faking it, trying to build a normal life, because those 2 people didn't really turn into serious relationships. Got to keep going.
I don't put any effort into birthdays, anniversaries or checking in on people for whatever 'normal' (obligated) reason. I don't like feeling obligated or guilty. I just don't subscribe to all that 'Christmas' sort of stuff. I guess it maybe just all seems so arbitrary to me, because I am looking for a 'career' and real meaningful relationships. All those cards, and gifts and phone calls seem so petty to me, like bribes or trickery. Why can't we be in touch and check in independently and because we care? Why does it have to be a 'special' day.
I guess I am saying I don't want to spend time or effort on those people, and they don't want to be around me. Now that I have practiced rebuilding my life, the only place I can really find it is by building my career and meeting kind of odd people like myself. I think I am now in the place to do so. I hope so. Because if I alienate everyone on this next stage of my life, then what am I going to do? I could take different meds. I could try to live a mindless life doing monotonous and physical labor. There is a joy to that, I tried it recently, but I just feel dead when my lifestyle shuts down my mind. I just can't bare it.
I am really hoping that having career, money, influence, status and power really will make the difference. That is the final stage of what I am missing that the normal person has. Once I have those again, then I will do all the bs birthdays, christmas, cards etc.
Thanks for letting me dump this stream of consciousness. I really am getting the confidence to play with meds, get that CBT and to give my life one last shot to meet people like myself and gain a career that uses my mind. If that totally fails, well then I will just do some manual labor job, make money, maybe play sports, video games and be finished.