Help! What do I have?

Well, I finally forced myself to go back to the doctor for some help after avoiding this task for about a year or since I stopped seeing my psychiatrist. I went in for sleeping and concentration issues, and he told me that he thinks I have bipolar disorder; so he referred me to a doctor who specializes in it, I will seem them in a few weeks.

I'm 17 years old, male, and I dropped out of high school about a year ago. I've been to the psych ward as well as been locked up for criminal offenses for a significant portion of my teen years (13-16). I am well-aware that there is something abnormal about the way I think, behave, and feel; but I've never been able to pin-point what it may be because I see myself as a hypochondriac at points.

Before I quit school, I was diagnosed with depression and was told that I had an anxiety disorder due to my sessions with a counselor and constant skipping because I felt extremely nervous and uncomfortable around large groups of people, to the point where I was spending time hiding in my garage in a sleeping bag for hours until my mother would leave for work. When I was off probation, I dropped out immediately.

Now, here I am, I spend 90% of my day on a small, spring mattress in front of my computer screen. I chain smoke like a chimney and cannot function without caffeine. Sometimes I abuse sleeping pills that cause a delirium such as Diphenhydramine and doxylamine succinate, and take extremely large doses. Other times, I abuse Dextromethorphan taking doses of cough medicine as high as 1200 mg, about 12+ oz. The funny thing is, I generally have negative experiences with this drugs. The Diphenhydramine makes me feel horrible, and when I'm on it, I just want it to stop and be done.

I never sleep anymore, either. When I do sleep, it is at strange times and I wake up at strange times. Very abnormal sleep patterns. I feel tired, really tired, but I still can't sleep because I can't turn my brain off. And I also can't do anything productive during the day. I had a job for a few months, but was fired pretty quick due to absence. Too easily I am distracted and can rarely complete reading something that I want to read or keep up on my writing.

I feel myself slipping in and out of apathy. And when I'm not apathetic, I want to be destructive and I feel an intense paranoia. One day "there is no future" and "I don't care what will happen, I'll just go with the wind" kind of feeling and this completely nihilistic view on life. Then maybe a different day, "I want there to be a violent revolution" and "The US is going to disarm the people and soon enough, there US will be a warzone, because we must overthrow the government". That is just an example of my really paranoid self as of late, I've been like this my whole life, but what I'm paranoid about tends to change with time.

I also have thoughts some days that I wouldn't other days. Like sometimes I seek to be an emotionally crippled, guiltless void of pure humanity and sometimes I want to be a compassionate, caring human being who socializes with others. I have few friends, and when I am around large groups of people, I've found a way to channel my anxiety, I think. Because I used to be really awkwardly and fearful around people, now I am turning that fear into arrogance and finally reached a point where I truly "don't care" what other people think. I never shower or leave my house or have any respect for them, so why should I?

My brother and grandfather were diagnosed with Bipolar disorder, me and my brother are very similar, so I was wondering if you think I have it? Or if you can identify any other issues?

I really need help, but in the past, they've given me Risperdal and Lexapro, neither did jack-shit to help me. Life is getting progressively worse, I don't know what to do.

So what should I suggest to my doctor for treatment, btw. Because I'm probably not going to be able to easily say everything I've typed here because I when I talk I talk too fast and end up in a loop of pointless digressions and never really remember the relevance to a lot of the $#%^ I say.

Hi, SomeDude! You should write what you wrote here in a letter or print it and give it to your psych, even if it seems odd to you. It will probably help them get an idea of what you're dealing with.
If you have highs and lows in your mood, it might be Bipolar disorder, but we can't give you a diagnosis here. Maybe you should take a look through our Cyclothymia(similar to BD) and Social Phobia forums as well.
It sounds like you've been through a lot and you deserve a new chance in life. The coffee, cigarettes and not sleeping could be making this worse. You should try to change your life style, slowly. Have you ever tried working out a bit or going out for a walk, to make you feel better? You should also take better care of yourself.
Don't give up if what the doctor gives you doesn't work at first, you can always try something else and work on it. I hope it's someone who cares about your feelings and wants to help you.

Thanks. I'm going to prepare a paper to give to my doctor when I next see him, so he can get a good idea of how I feel minus my poor speaking skills.

My mom wants me (as does my regular doctor) to kind of get a roster of ideas to bring to the specialist regarding BP and disorders relative to it. So, I was wondering what specific drugs that I want to avoid (too strong and dangerous side-effects) as well those I should seek. Also, combination of drugs that I should seek and combination of drugs that I want to avoid.

I want to be careful because my older brother was always given pills and it stole so many years of his life away and never yielded any results. Not that I don't trust the doctor, I just want to get information from third-parties on the internet in order to be as informed as possible, because not every doctor is looking out for their client's best interests.

Hey! You can post in the Living with mental illness forum and ask about the meds, if you like. I'm afraid I don't know much about them, but there are others here who do.
Yah, you're right, not all psychs have our best interest at heart.

I was put on it w/lamitcal and abilify......I tried researching on it.
Some advice would be nice. Thanks guys.

Somedude,

I hope you're a little better.

First off, i thought your post was pretty articulate and interesting, so well done for that.

I think you can definitely recover from this, not least given your willingness.

Several things:

1) until you start taking better care of your health, nothing will improve; obviously, anyone with such an appetite for cigarettes and coffee will have poor sleep patterns
2) if you were incarcerated for several years of what was ultimately your childhood, it's no surprise that you might develop certain distorted thinking patterns; the key is to realise that doesn't make you a freak, it just makes your past circumstances highly unfortunate, and your thought patterns are a natural response to that.

I have severe ADHD myself, nothing like as serious as your problems, but i really think you need to distance yourself from yoour problems in the sense of realising they are a natural response to your habits and unfortunate past circumstances.

The government stuff and so forth sounds like basic delusion, probably a result of being forced into an unnatural upbringing from 13-16 as a result of your legal problems.

You certainly sound intelligent enough, though, to work through your issues.

The reason i mention the adhd stuff is that, rather like your brother, i took a lot of meds and now regret ever touching them.

I think, therefore, that you should ignore the prescription culture and get yourself off the cocktail.

There's a loit of things to go through here, but if you persist, you can make it.

My suggestion to you would be something like this sequence:

1) Gradually wean off the coffee, and take up some exercise, going from twice a week exercise first month, adding one day of exercise per month until you're exercising every day
2) begin to eat healthily, and also begin to wean yourself off the cocktail of psychiatric meds
3) get involved in some volumtary work for just a few hours a week, this way you'll begin to builf up your resume so that in a few months you can show employers you've made some mistakes in the past but are trying to turn your life around
4) give up the cigarettes and plough the money you save into a savings account. seeing the monmey build up over time - slowly but surely - will act as a visible pay-off
5) any time you feel a craving for coffee, cigarettes, other things, do 10 press ups and tick off that you overcame the temptation on a business card you carry in your wallet. (such techniques helped me overcome many compulsive behaviours)
6) giving up caffeine and cigarettes will be tough. there are several approaches, gradual or cold turkey. personally, i favour cold turkey, and i would definitely start using Nicorette patches or something and joining a ''give up smoking'' group.
7) aim to 'get clean' of all this drug cocktail, the cigs, and the coffee, within 4-6 months from now. if you can afford it, get a life coach and tell him about this plan of yours and meet him once a week so he can keep you in check.
you could even make money out of the fitnbess thing by arranging early morning fitness group sessions for peopoe in your neighbohood - i.e. you are the boss at morning runs or fitness sessions.

This all takes a HELL OF A LOT of discipline, but I am massively confident that if you stick to it, the net result will be a drug-free, non-smoking guy who exercises every day and has just completed 6 months voluntary work.

That leaves the mental issues. Let's not shy away from it, you have an extreme personality in these respects, but everyone is different, and just embrace it. It's better than being 'Joe Blow', even though it may seem hard some times.

I suggest you write a book too over the next six months. You expressed a preference for written communication, and I personally found your post very interesting and articulate. If you could tell the world your story from age 12-now - hopefully inclusive of a turnaround over the next 6 months - I'm pretty sure publishers would take it seriously.

Commit to writing a page and a half a day, and in 6 months, you will have a 270 page book. Hopefully the last 70 of those pages will be describing how this turnaround began when you read a post on a psychology forum addressed to you.

Keep at it, write your story down, and I am convinced that the process of recording your very interesting thoughts and history will be far more therapeutic than any medications.

My own view - just my view, which didn't used to be my view - is more and more that the whole pharma industry is out to make as much money out of you as possible.

With all those synthetic chemicals zooming around your neurons, combined with an extremely difficult set of circumstances, it's not surprising that som many lose their sanity.

But that loss of sanity can be a temporary one, even if, admittedly, you will always have a fight on your hands.

The key is to celebrate that fight, record it, and for God sake at least start by getting yourself healthier.

Good luck climbing that mountain, and I would love to hear of your progress.

Somedude-
This totally does not answer your question but you sound like a very interesting person. Extremely intelligent and the way you write is captivating. You HAVE to write a book. A memoir, elaborating on the governmental overthrows and all that. That would be cool. It might end up being therapuetic for you too.