Well, I finally forced myself to go back to the doctor for some help after avoiding this task for about a year or since I stopped seeing my psychiatrist. I went in for sleeping and concentration issues, and he told me that he thinks I have bipolar disorder; so he referred me to a doctor who specializes in it, I will seem them in a few weeks.
I'm 17 years old, male, and I dropped out of high school about a year ago. I've been to the psych ward as well as been locked up for criminal offenses for a significant portion of my teen years (13-16). I am well-aware that there is something abnormal about the way I think, behave, and feel; but I've never been able to pin-point what it may be because I see myself as a hypochondriac at points.
Before I quit school, I was diagnosed with depression and was told that I had an anxiety disorder due to my sessions with a counselor and constant skipping because I felt extremely nervous and uncomfortable around large groups of people, to the point where I was spending time hiding in my garage in a sleeping bag for hours until my mother would leave for work. When I was off probation, I dropped out immediately.
Now, here I am, I spend 90% of my day on a small, spring mattress in front of my computer screen. I chain smoke like a chimney and cannot function without caffeine. Sometimes I abuse sleeping pills that cause a delirium such as Diphenhydramine and doxylamine succinate, and take extremely large doses. Other times, I abuse Dextromethorphan taking doses of cough medicine as high as 1200 mg, about 12+ oz. The funny thing is, I generally have negative experiences with this drugs. The Diphenhydramine makes me feel horrible, and when I'm on it, I just want it to stop and be done.
I never sleep anymore, either. When I do sleep, it is at strange times and I wake up at strange times. Very abnormal sleep patterns. I feel tired, really tired, but I still can't sleep because I can't turn my brain off. And I also can't do anything productive during the day. I had a job for a few months, but was fired pretty quick due to absence. Too easily I am distracted and can rarely complete reading something that I want to read or keep up on my writing.
I feel myself slipping in and out of apathy. And when I'm not apathetic, I want to be destructive and I feel an intense paranoia. One day "there is no future" and "I don't care what will happen, I'll just go with the wind" kind of feeling and this completely nihilistic view on life. Then maybe a different day, "I want there to be a violent revolution" and "The US is going to disarm the people and soon enough, there US will be a warzone, because we must overthrow the government". That is just an example of my really paranoid self as of late, I've been like this my whole life, but what I'm paranoid about tends to change with time.
I also have thoughts some days that I wouldn't other days. Like sometimes I seek to be an emotionally crippled, guiltless void of pure humanity and sometimes I want to be a compassionate, caring human being who socializes with others. I have few friends, and when I am around large groups of people, I've found a way to channel my anxiety, I think. Because I used to be really awkwardly and fearful around people, now I am turning that fear into arrogance and finally reached a point where I truly "don't care" what other people think. I never shower or leave my house or have any respect for them, so why should I?
My brother and grandfather were diagnosed with Bipolar disorder, me and my brother are very similar, so I was wondering if you think I have it? Or if you can identify any other issues?
I really need help, but in the past, they've given me Risperdal and Lexapro, neither did jack-shit to help me. Life is getting progressively worse, I don't know what to do.
So what should I suggest to my doctor for treatment, btw. Because I'm probably not going to be able to easily say everything I've typed here because I when I talk I talk too fast and end up in a loop of pointless digressions and never really remember the relevance to a lot of the $#%^ I say.