I guess I've just joined this forum to not feel so isolated and desperately alone.
For years I had been diagnosed with Depression and ADD/ ADHD Combined Type (and switched around on diff meds. Wheee!), and I am absolutely furious that no psych doc I ever spoke with caught that I had SERIOUS Anxiety Disorder, as indicated and self-medicated by regular, life-damaging drinking (which contributed to me squandering EVERY positive opportunity in my entire life!!). Had I simply been put on Xanax then, I might have actually BEEN somewhere in my life by now; I drank to take the sickening "edge" off, which was unbearable. I'm sure some of you can relate. Xanax (Alprazolam) kicks this "need" to drink. I never actually became an alcoholic, believe it or not.
Anyway, I recently checked myself into a Mental Health Care Facility where they finally diagnosed me with Bipolar II. They ended up kicking me out (for acting out? In a MENTAL INSTITUTION!? How the HELL was I supposed to know the RULES?? Also, since then, I've been dropped by 2 Therapists, so my self-esteem on being able to get treatment is at an all-time low in desperation!) So, upon learning of my Bipolar II diagnosis, I realized it fit, and once again, the anger at anyone who ever treated me having missed this returned. I am now 36, feel I have wasted or lost or had stolen by my own stupidity and over-trusting nature, every single good thing in my life. I am now living in poverty, have utter disdain for myself, and have been recently prescribed Lamictal (Lamotrigine) (200mg 2/day), along with the Carbamazepine I was recently put on, starting at the hospital (300mg/ 2x day). The Carbamazepine has helped a little, tho not enough, obv.
To get to the point, these past few months I've mostly given up on my entire life, don't care about living anymore, think about suicide a LOT, yet don't feel I'd ever actually go through with it (though sometimes I feel like I really WANT TO). I crawled into bed over 2 months ago and am barely, slowly trying to come out. I think a big contributing factor of it is that the sick, $$-grubbing Government Institution called Child Protective Services took away my 1 y/o when a neighbor agreed to watch my baby when I went to the post office for 36 (!!) minutes and instead of watching baby, he called the police, who called CPS, who brow beat me into a panic and forcibly coerced me to unknowingly sign my kid away. Yeah. Seriously. This hasn't helped my mental state. Anyway, I was forced to push my Public Defender off my case cos she was filthy dirty, in cahoots with CPS, and for the next 6 months I was SUPER MOTIVATED, working day and night on fighting my case. I finally burned out; they'd beaten me and I gave up. I have nothing left, and am barely hanging onto being able to possibly get my kid back, cos they're using my mental illness against me (my treatment is going slowly but surely, and when I had bb, I WAS getting by, and IN THERAPY!!), and they're saying I'm an alcoholic, which is bullsh*t.
But I can now, having hit the wall of a lifetime of wasted opportunities, total loss of sense of self as having ANY kind of self-worth, feeling ZERO JOY or point in life at all, totally feel the desire to END IT ALL. I'm utterly bereft. I'm a piece of $#%^ single mom on welfare. Part of me has zero idea how I got here, as a good-looking, Ivy League educated, well-traveled and intelligent person, but intellectually I understand that I've been sick all my life and it's all just now finally caught up to me, where I have no escape this time. "Intellectually" doesn't matter for sh*t in this situation of utter misery.
I feel like human garbage; like nothing. Like nobody. Just sucking up resources and a burden who the world would be better without. I'm still hanging on though, to try to get my kid back (despite ever really having had a chance to bond with him, what with my Postpartum Depression and all!; I REFUSE to let "The System" rip him away to some abusive, effed-up kid-raising money factory!!), and I guess I do hang on because of some feeling in some part of me does actually hold hope in the future. But it's murder (haha?) going through this struggle, especially with these hostile people constantly attacking me. It's all I can do to keep it together.
For me, I'm looking to supplement my meds with Abilify (tho I've gained weight and scared to gain more, as I used to be bulimic and my self-esteem is highly linked to my appearance, and Abilify has that possible side-effect). I just need to feel better. I'm willing to try ANY meds at this point. I feel like I'm dying; disappearing. Im trying to get up the gumption to get a job at the grocery store across the street. I trashed my car last year; my last asset and my last symbol of freedom. My goal now is to get enough $$ for a crappy car, get my kid back, and get the hell out of this miserable, white trash town, to a positive, religious Jewish town in NJ where a couple friends live. I have lived religious before and now I feel this is the only thing I can do to have any real meaning in my life. But that's just me.
So, anyway: God help us. I guess that's all there is to say.
I'd LOVE some peoples' experiences on different Bipolar II combos involving Lamictal (Lamotrigine), Carbamazepine, Alprazolam (Xanax), and Dextroamphetamine (which I take for my ADD/ ADHD Combined Type and to help me just even begin to get out of bed, when I actually DO get out of bed these days!).
I'm starting on adding Abilify on Monday, pending insurance approval.
ANYONE w/ Experiences with Lamictal/ Abilify/ Carbamazepine? Experiences with a BETTER combination with Lamictal/ Carbamazepine/ ANY SSRI or Mood Stabilizer (without weight gain?)
ANY BIPOLAR II PEOPLE WITH COMBOS THAT WORKED FOR THEM ARE GREATLY APPRECIATED!! I'M DESPERATE!!