by Native Arizona » Fri Aug 21, 2015 7:46 pm
I knew I had problems as a teen - mostly depression though at times I would get into a rage. It wasn't until I was 34 that I was diagnosed as bipolar II.
Throughout the years, I would see my family doctor anytime I got depressed. He would prescribe me an antidepressant and almost immediately I would be grinning from ear to ear. Heck, if my house burned down, I'd be outside toasting marshmallows. I hadn't a care in the world. Within 2 weeks of taking the antidepressant, I would stop sleeping and at that time I would quit the antidepressant and go back to "normal".
Before I was diagnosed as bipolar, I was prescribed Cymbalta. The lower dosage wasn't working on my depression so my family doctor maxed out the dosage and recommended that I see a psychiatrist because I was falling into depression far to often. He didn't know that I would cycle between depression, rage, and somewhat normal.
In 2006, I finally sought the help of a psychiatrist who recommended that I read a book (forget the author right now) to see if I could draw a parallel between what the author went through and what I was going through at the moment. While the author had the classic form of mania, I did not. I had rage that would be triggered by no reason at all. My psychiatrist then diagnosed me as being bipolar and explained that rage is a form of mania. Unfortunately, she kept me on the antidepressant (I was on it for about a year) and now, though I rarely experience rage, I suffer more of the classic form of mania and have only experienced depression once since I've been medicated (during a divorce).
I would not recommend anyone bipolar taking Cymbalta as it completely screwed me up. I have chronic insomnia, I constantly clench my jaw, I have to beware of spending money, and I always feel like I have to be on the go. I no longer cycle and as sad as it may seem, I'm tired of being manic and miss the cycling of the depression. At least I would feel more "normal" if I experienced a true deep depression again but all I experience is mania.
I've tried just about every bipolar medication available except for a few where weight gain is the common side effect. Lithium worked okay but gave me the shakes and I was on such a low dosage that it, in the long run, wasn't beneficial at all.
Today I'm on Geodone, Depakote, and Ativan. I take a myriad of sleeping pills to help with the insomnia (3 l-tryptophan, 2 Benadryl, 2 natural sleep aids, and 1 prescription sleeping pill that only knocks you out for about 4 hours.) I still have problems going to sleep at night and wake up tired in the morning. When I see my psychiatrist next I'm going to ask if what we can do about the insomnia because losing sleep isn't constructive to good health.
If you’ve ever done meth, then you have some idea how I feel
With teeth gnashing, jaw clenching, I’m still higher than a kite
I must be crazy to miss my old cycles of rage and depression
How I long to experience some other emotion than mania itself