I think I'm bipolar. I made an appointment to see a psychologist but there's a long wait, so I need to confess my sins in the meantime because I feel as if I'm going to explode. I've done destructive things to myself and my family, and I don't know how to stop. I have all the classic symptoms - manic/depressive episodes - spending sprees, racing thoughts, inability to concentrate, self-sabotage, etc..
One of the worst things I've done is having an affair with a single guy. I'm married. It's been going on for a year now. I find myself doing risky things with him like hugging and kissing him in public, even in areas near where I live, where we could very easily be spotted by family and friends. I don't know what's wrong with me. That's so unlike how I used to be. I used to be super cautious about everything. The thing is I love my husband and I know what I'm doing is wrong, but I can't stop. It's like a compulsion. I think I genuinely care about the other guy, but I wonder if I'm with him mostly because I like the risk taking aspect of it. Sometimes he accuses me of that, esp. when I push for public display of affection. What's missing from my marriage is romance, which I can get from the other guy. My husband isn't the romantic type and has tried to be romantic but couldn't. I'm so confused! I'm generally a loving person, so I can't believe I can do something so heartless. I should feel utterly guilty, but I obviously don't feel guilty enough to stop. It's like I'm 2 different people. I don't get it, and it's starting to affect my marriage since I'm more withdrawn sexually since I want to be with the other guy more in that way.
Thanks for listening. I really needed to get that off my chest. If you have any advice for me, please let me know.