Do I need to tell my boss?

I should start by saying I'm a nurse and so, of course, is my boss. She knows her mental health stuff well. She was extremely supportive of me during my 4-month manic-induced absence last year.

My workplace is quick-fire, demanding and everything happens at once. These potential triggers used to wash off me with little more than a few muttered curses and a 5-minute bitching & biscuit session with colleagues. I love my job and I missed it when I was off.

But I'm concerned. Recently, I've noticed myself becoming more irritable and restless. I actually have vocal arguments with myself as to why I should go to bed because I am so awake that I just don't want to. Most days, the above-mentioned triggers have little effect but I think they're growing - there are too many stimuli coming at me. Afternoons I get can cranky but by evening I'm a mix of suppressed fury and "I don't neeeeeed to go home. You're all s*** at your jobs and I'll stay here for ever and ever mwahahaha and take over from you. F*** off! Come here and do what I say! I'm not doing this! Yes let's do this! Who needs to go home anyway? Wooohoooo!!"

You get the general picture? I don't actually say those things but they're simmering away. I'm certainly safe at work, I hasten to add. My problem is that this is how I was behaving at the start of August and that ended up in a 4-month rapid cycle, culminating (thankfully) in medication. Sleep wise, I'm running on 5hrs a night and then crashing for 12hrs which I did last night. I feel my mind, slowly but surely, is speeding up; payday is soon and I'm wondering about going abroad at random and to hell with the consequences.

I told my psych some of this today and he's upped the depakote so we'll see how it goes. But there's a little voice in my head asking if I really need the tablets anyway. I took them at the very last minute tonight and forgot them yesterday evening.

So the question - should I ask my boss to check my work over every so often until I've calmed down? Or am I just being unnecessarily anxious about watching my moods too much? I'm tired of recording them all the time and wonder whether I'm magnifying a normal period of general tiredness.

It is a difficult one for sure. I have some thoughts

I used to tell the consultant I was working for that I had to see a psych but at this point I was undiagnosed re BP (the psych put down my problems to trauma- including some florid mania and psychosis without insight ). I had to see a therapist every week too so they had to know I was not on the ward for a bit every week. So they needed to know. Some of my other colleagues needed to know a bit too as I had some restrictions due to being under GMC supervision. So ppl did need to know something. For my new job the senior OTs know as does the Ward Manager but I would prob leave it at that as I am way more stable now. however ppl will prob guess I have had some issues as I have a lot of old scars on my arms and it is a short sleeved uniform policy in the trust.

I personally think it is good to have your line manager know as it shows honesty and openess and also that you are being responsible.

One thing I would say tho is dont put things on ppl who know which are inappropriate. It is fine to have ppl keeping an eye on you but be careful not to put responsibility for your illness onto others. I have done this in the past and it can be easy to do so. SO just keep an eye wrt that.

Cracked

Wise words, Cracked. Thank you. I'll do that. And I'll heed your warning about not passing responsibility over. Knowing there's an eye on me will be reassuring enough, I hope.

I have such mixed feelings about everything. I read how bipolar reaches into one's whole life. While I was waiting for a diagnosis and something, anything that would lift me out of the abyss, the prospect of "Rest when you feel tired, keep an eye on your moods, talk to your psychiatrist if you're getting restless because your meds might need changing...be vigilant" - that was a bargain basement swap for me. So I signed up.

From my perspective, the dynamic went: unstable moods + mood stabilisers = restoration of old self + energy to do things I couldn't do before + proving I wasn't stressed. That's why I was open with work colleagues; having them know the truth was far better for my pride than having them think I couldn't handle the job.

And now I find that the truth is out but I'm starting to behave oddly again. This truly sucks. It's humiliating. I guess from now on, it's going to be a few weeks optimism followed by agitation, flying thoughts and then a bit of a crash. Silly me for being naïve, huh?