Wait for psych or check myself in?

The Short: Medicating the last 10 years, stopped, now don't know if I'm going crazy with manic and depression swings to the point that the manic is out of control even for me and the depression is having suicidal impulses (as in I really want to but I'm not going to). I don't know if I can control what is going on, I couldn't on the manic side. Would I be wasting a mental hospitals time if I went there? Should I just wait for my psych? (more info below but it's a bit to get through)






The Long (you can ignore me):
So as I mentioned before, I've been medicating my bipolar for the last (essentially) decade with opiates by abusing them. It worked, it made me mostly level, my natures would still but there ugly head but it was like turning the volume down from 11 to 1, until I started lowering my dose then I bought a new car, a motorcycle, and had an affair/left my wife (but this had a lot more to do with issues going on).

That was 4 years ago I did the above, I went full on manic. Patched up things with my wife, declared bankruptcy, and have been good till about two months ago. When I decided to quit the drugs (opiates: diluaded mostly, injecting) all together. Now I've been pretty much kinda on that line between manic and hypomanic with some really bad days thrown in, now I'm depressed. Have been for the last 4 days (ish) essentially my last post here was one of my last good (bad) manic days.

There's a reason for mentioning this, I've gone so fast from 0-60 and now I'm ... how to explain this, I woke up this morning thinking about killing myself and how little I care for my life. I don't want to kill myself, it was like that kid in the candy store problem when you are diabetic (not diabetic, it's an metaphor), I wanted to "just to see what would happen". You know what would happen? I'd be dead if successful if not I'd have to deal with the consequences. Soon after that (about 2 hours later) I couldn't stop immagining sticking this green knife that I used to chop up pills with through my hand. Again, I don't think I will, I'm smarter than that but this freaking nagging feeling to do this and it's not all mental, I can feel it in my skin that I want to (I think my impulse circuits got crossed on what they are supposed to make me feel like). I also felt like just crying this morning, I'm one of those "real men don't cry" people.

The problem is here: I am scared of myself, I'm doing crazy $#%^, and I know this is the norm for myself. I'm either UP and doing stupid $#%^ or I'm down and I'm honest to god scared of hurting myself. The problem is if I showed up at a psych hospital, like right now I'm slightly depressed but I'm okay most people couldn't tell the $#%^ going on in my mind, they are going to take one look at me and tell me to leave. I have a psych called (not scheduled) I also have two kids to take care of.

OH so after that whole bout of depression this morning I just started laughing and I was like "all better now", then I stabilized and now I'm back to angry/depressed. I hate being 28 years old, father of two, pretty much responsible and awesome guy of the year destroyed down "I can't ######6 explain why I'm laughing crying this world sucks" and the changes are so rapid that alone is destabilizng.

One last thing to add, in 28 years of dealing with this disease, I have never once fully succeeded in acting on these impulses. In eighth grade I was preparing when I decided to logic my way out of it after a teacher suggested reading "About David", and when I was 20 well again I got prepared but backed out of it. Beyond that I have had these impulse but no drive (both those time I had drive to do it) so many times in my life but it has never bothered me before and I think it's just an effect of not having to deal with this $#%^ in this case.

Yeah I write novels apparently even though I'm a software engineer and I know forum etiquette.

I love long posts too!

Okay, sorry for the short response but I'm with my folks

Check yourself in. You need - at the very least - in-depth outpatient therapy. If you go the ER then they can admit you or fast-track you to the in-depth outpatient psych services. You don't sound well at all.

Could you check in with us on here each day (no novel required) to let us know you're safe?

I think turnaround is right.
Go to emergency, and if they don't admit you, then persist until they arrange some follow-up.
An outpatient program, or a visit to the psychiatrist

I think it is wonderful that you have weaned yourself off opiants.
Have you thought of taking prescription medication as prescribed?
Even if they arrange some talk therapy for you, I think they will also want you on prescribed medication.

Maybe they won't prescribe medication because you have told them your drug history and telling you to take their drugs would be like telling an alcoholic that he needs just one drink.

What ever happens, stay in touch here.
I want to know that you are coping, or that you are getting the help you need.

And taking care of 2 preschool children is a challenge.
I think it is fantastic that you are able to do it.

+1 -- check yourself in. With this sort of ideations you can't afford waiting. I am speaking from experience. It's possible they'll send you home with anti-psychotic -- but this decision is not for you (or us) to make. Please make sure you are safe.

I can't re-read the original post as I'm typing this on my mobile but in case you didn't mention it in your first post, is there anybody who could take care of your kids if you decide to go into hospital?

My gut reaction says an overnight stay as an inpatient at the very least would be wise. Following that, and presuming you commence anti-psychotics, you might agree to remain at home as long as you attend a pharmacy at pre-arranged times each day to take the necessary pills and potions. This will ensure you are concordant with taking medicine. This will also create minimum disruption to a family life that you hold so dear. I have enormous respect for you for caring for your children while struggling with your mood instability.

It will also be a super opportunity to examine opiate replacements in case you relapse/tempted to relapse. Community rehab is fairly common - I send occasional patients home with arrangements in place for taking [insert numerous opiate names] daily replacement therapy.

I repeat my earlier assertion: you really do need to attend a hospital for advice immediately. I think you are in great danger. Keep in touch with us.

If you don't have anyone to care for your kids, and you do go to the ER, I think at a minimum they may help stabilize you with some meds and fast-track you to an appointment with a psychiatrist.

I'm okay, honestly, I couldn't go I just couldn't. I've always been taught only weak people treat there... well I was going to say mental illness... but "illness". We weren't ever really big on doctors in my household (both my dad and older sister are bipolar btw, my dad is one of the most in control men I've met until something set's him off though, for example last night instead of his normal moody depressed self he was talking like a crack head, super happy, super excited).

So instead of going to you know the hospital (though I still plan on seeing the psych), I just went to my dad's and doubled down on the "too proud to be treated" propaganda; which btw isn't so much verbal as we don't talk about that in my house. It's the fact that he controls it and I've never seen a crack in his armor while I've struggled with it all my life and he's tried to teach me how to control it, it's worked for years, and most of the time I used to be able to control it or well skirt around it. Then again rose tinted glasses as what they were.

This morning, I have so much energy I've cleaned my house spotless, been up since 3am and keep forgetting to respond to this or typing something out that seems too stupid to submit. I am okay but I'm also not an idiot I had to get out of here yesterday and found solace in family one might say (which my sisters general response to me was essentially "well, just get over it". No they really do know, or she does at least, what it's like -- this is just what we were taught.)

The problem is if I showed up at a psych hospital, like right now I'm slightly depressed but I'm okay most people couldn't tell the $#%^ going on in my mind, they are going to take one look at me and tell me to leave

I hear that. I wonder if psych nurses don't admit people unless they're dead. My friend took me to the ER because I was frightened and had been voicing stronger urges to do myself serious harm. I told them that I felt I was losing control of my thoughts and asked to be supervised for a while as I was too unsafe, felt too guilty, and wanted to put myself in safe hands while I still had the willpower. So I was given a leaflet and told to come back if I thought I was deteriorating. I had an extremely long and unpleasant night. And yet I am the one who still feels that I was at fault for going to hospital.

So - take a lesson that I learnt. I think you may be more vulnerable than I was then and I still think you should go to ER for evaluation. Do you think you can print off what you have written here? Your moods appear to be cycling extraordinarily quickly and with such ferocity that you are possibly already far more exhausted than you realise. Do you know for sure when the next surge of Up or Down will hit you? I can't imagine you do. I am being so frank because I really want to challenge your thinking about staying out of hospital.

I'm grateful you checked in on here. Please keep doing so.

Honestly no I don't. I was a mix between energetic and depressed (I really don't like using manic depressed bc I sure as hell wasn't up) probably honestly starting monday. Today I am def. Manic I don't feel depressed in any way and my sex drive which has been gone all week came back with a vengeance this morning. I was dancing around so I am going with I switched.

My wife says I can cycle multiple times in a day, but I honestly think it's just fluctuations within the day unless a dual state day. I don't really like saying this is for sure or to define things like this bc there could be a lot of underlying factors. I drank Tuesday night pretty heavily (9 whiskey and cokes 4 fireball shots in 4 hours) by the time we left that night my friend couldn't walk and I felt sober, got home slept 2 hrs and felt fine just depressed which I was feeling before going out.

I know good chance is if I have switched I'll be mostly in a manic state for 4 or 5 days hitting really bad (what I call scary mania instead of hypomania) mania about day 3 or 4. Then again my last bout with mania lasted a month and a half some days were bad, most days were 100% awesome.

Of course, I'm no doctor, but my opinion is it sounds like you are in a mixed state. And I think you should re-evaluate your stance on going to the ER/being hospitalized. There is no shame in admitting you need some help. I understand that your family has influenced you to believe getting help is showing "weakness", but that's garbage. And it's also offensive to many of us that have had to be hospitalized. Do you think we are "weak", too? I say to you, walk a mile in any of our shoes and you would realize just how strong we are. As you know, BP is no picnic. It takes great strength to live with mental illness.

I hope you don't end up like me. I swore I didn't need anyone's help either, and long story short, after about a month of insanity, they involuntarily hospitalized me for being suicidal. I was yelling at the doctors to kill me. In my state, I believed it was the only way I could escape my bipolar mind.

I'm not necessarily saying that you will end up being involuntarily admitted to a psych hospital. But it's a possibility, if you continue to go untreated. It may not be your choice in the end. My opinion is to take the initiative and go get evaluated. Be proactive.

Anyway, I do wish you the best, whether or not you wait for a psych appointment or check yourself in. Take care and I hope everything works out.