The Short: Medicating the last 10 years, stopped, now don't know if I'm going crazy with manic and depression swings to the point that the manic is out of control even for me and the depression is having suicidal impulses (as in I really want to but I'm not going to). I don't know if I can control what is going on, I couldn't on the manic side. Would I be wasting a mental hospitals time if I went there? Should I just wait for my psych? (more info below but it's a bit to get through)
The Long (you can ignore me):
So as I mentioned before, I've been medicating my bipolar for the last (essentially) decade with opiates by abusing them. It worked, it made me mostly level, my natures would still but there ugly head but it was like turning the volume down from 11 to 1, until I started lowering my dose then I bought a new car, a motorcycle, and had an affair/left my wife (but this had a lot more to do with issues going on).
That was 4 years ago I did the above, I went full on manic. Patched up things with my wife, declared bankruptcy, and have been good till about two months ago. When I decided to quit the drugs (opiates: diluaded mostly, injecting) all together. Now I've been pretty much kinda on that line between manic and hypomanic with some really bad days thrown in, now I'm depressed. Have been for the last 4 days (ish) essentially my last post here was one of my last good (bad) manic days.
There's a reason for mentioning this, I've gone so fast from 0-60 and now I'm ... how to explain this, I woke up this morning thinking about killing myself and how little I care for my life. I don't want to kill myself, it was like that kid in the candy store problem when you are diabetic (not diabetic, it's an metaphor), I wanted to "just to see what would happen". You know what would happen? I'd be dead if successful if not I'd have to deal with the consequences. Soon after that (about 2 hours later) I couldn't stop immagining sticking this green knife that I used to chop up pills with through my hand. Again, I don't think I will, I'm smarter than that but this freaking nagging feeling to do this and it's not all mental, I can feel it in my skin that I want to (I think my impulse circuits got crossed on what they are supposed to make me feel like). I also felt like just crying this morning, I'm one of those "real men don't cry" people.
The problem is here: I am scared of myself, I'm doing crazy $#%^, and I know this is the norm for myself. I'm either UP and doing stupid $#%^ or I'm down and I'm honest to god scared of hurting myself. The problem is if I showed up at a psych hospital, like right now I'm slightly depressed but I'm okay most people couldn't tell the $#%^ going on in my mind, they are going to take one look at me and tell me to leave. I have a psych called (not scheduled) I also have two kids to take care of.
OH so after that whole bout of depression this morning I just started laughing and I was like "all better now", then I stabilized and now I'm back to angry/depressed. I hate being 28 years old, father of two, pretty much responsible and awesome guy of the year destroyed down "I can't ######6 explain why I'm laughing crying this world sucks" and the changes are so rapid that alone is destabilizng.
One last thing to add, in 28 years of dealing with this disease, I have never once fully succeeded in acting on these impulses. In eighth grade I was preparing when I decided to logic my way out of it after a teacher suggested reading "About David", and when I was 20 well again I got prepared but backed out of it. Beyond that I have had these impulse but no drive (both those time I had drive to do it) so many times in my life but it has never bothered me before and I think it's just an effect of not having to deal with this $#%^ in this case.
Yeah I write novels apparently even though I'm a software engineer and I know forum etiquette.