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Daughter/Friend situation has me upset

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Daughter/Friend situation has me upset

Postby quietgirl2538 » Tue Oct 28, 2014 4:54 pm

I no longer see the therapist, almost a month now, so anything I need to talk to I can no longer take to the session. So here is my question, how can I view this situation, in a most healthy way, fair, and with a good attitude as possible.

Situation: My daughter (14 years and in 8th grade) had a very good friend who suddenly stopped talking or texting her. I found out after it happened and I questioned it at first if it was perhaps that she was waiting for my daughter to text her first or respond to her, but no my daughter said she had and that M never texted back. So my daughter is upset but she doesn't get overly upset. She takes things in stride. Myself, I have been "off" in terms of my bipolar lately and so I am very very upset, I want to unfriend M's mom from my facebook because I am so mad at her daughter. I ruminate over how angry I am and sometimes I want to cry that someone could hurt my daughter over no good reason. I am not even logging into fb because of this and I am so upset. Yesterday I did get my meds tweaked so maybe (and I hope so) the emotional lopsidedness (very upset part) will diminish to the point I can take things in stride. I went to see the doctor and I have anxiety and paranoia, so emotionally I can go back and forth in more uneven keel. What I mean is that instead of just being a little upset I get very very upset. I don't do anything about it. I just let it go away and forget about it for a while. I am not at all talking about this to M's mom because I fear the worst and I just don't think I'm in a good place to confront any detail with this. I just feel doubly bad for my daughter and I'm the one more affected by this than her. I know this girl and I am shocked she would just dump my daughter's friendship at the drop of a hat, they have been friends for about 3 years. She comes and stays at my home, I give her rides and would take her places when her mom was working. Me and her mom were/are friends. Things became very awkward after this. Anyhow I am mad at M. I also feel mad at her mom (for no real reason). I'm not going to do or say anything about this, I'm just trying to process this and move on. What do you think?

Also I can't actually share much of this with any good friend I am afraid the truth of me feeling "off" will scare them. I know for a fact they don't understand mood instability and I fear that so I don't bother. I also don't think it's serious enough to call and make an appointment with the therapist. Any good advice Is welcomed.
“There’s an Asian expression that ‘a burden shared is halved.’"

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Re: Daughter/Friend situation has me upset

Postby turnaround » Tue Oct 28, 2014 6:20 pm

Nasty situation! Childhood friendships get vicious don't they...I remember running home in tears when I was 8 because I'd fallen out with the boy down the road. Mum gave me some sweets to share with him but I ate them all and forgot that we'd fallen out. Then we just started talking anyway. It was SUCH a big deal at the time.

And I know there's a big difference between being 8 and being 14. Okay, now that I've hopefully made you smile, on to the advice...

Girls can go through quite an unpleasant phase in early adolescence - there's a lot of politicking and becoming queen-of-the-clique, trialling out new friendships and looking on once close friends as too immature/different/not-my-type. Very unpredictable. I may be wrong, but that's my view so all corrections welcome.

Your prime source of distress seems like your relationship with this other girl's mother. The great thing about email is that you can draft and re-draft as much as you like until you're happy with the message. Why not draft an email and post it on here first for some feedback? Make it short - something like "Hey, any idea what's happening with the girls?" etc etc. It's probably not escaped your friend's notice that something has happened. How do you know that she isn't at home on mumsnet or something typing a similar question to yours?
CJ

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Re: Daughter/Friend situation has me upset

Postby skilsaw » Tue Oct 28, 2014 7:11 pm

I'm sorry your daughter has had a falling out with her friend.
It is hard on kids at the time, but they get over it.

I think the problem is that you are making too much of it, and your feelings about the girl and her mother are out of proportion to the situation.

It seems your daughter has got over it and is moving on with her life.
Now it is time for you to do the same.
But I know it will be hard to do.

There once was a situation at work, and I said to my boss, "That's not fair."
His response was, "Who said life was fair?" I felt like hitting him... good thing I didn't.
When we are to blame for unfairness, I think it is civilized to try and make things fair, but overall my boss was right. Life is not fair.

I hope you are able to move on and accept the girl and her mom as aquaintences, people you know who are okay, but not close enough to be friends.

Take care,
It is not always possible to make someone's discomfort go away.
Sometimes, the best thing we can do is resist the urge to fix it and instead just say, "You, too?"
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Re: Daughter/Friend situation has me upset

Postby quietgirl2538 » Tue Oct 28, 2014 7:29 pm

You are both right, I'm so upset I am unable to move on, at the moment. To be honest, and I don't mean to go on and on about myself, but I tend to have a hard time moving on with upsetting situations so quickly. My mind or emotions get the best of me. Therapist noticed it before and said some things to explain it to me so I know myself and no choice but to accept it. Yes, turnaround, it is a nasty situation. The girl is posting mean things on instagram but thank goodness it's not about my daughter. But I am going to try to move on. I am afraid to write the girl's mom an e-mail. I'm not ready for that. I fear the worst, like she will accuse my daughter of something and I will get mad and get defensive and let her have it. Perhaps in the future. This sort of thing happened before with another girl, but me and the mom are still good friends. We could differentiate between our friendship and the girl's problems. Thanks so much! Your thoughts are greatly appreciated!
“There’s an Asian expression that ‘a burden shared is halved.’"

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Re: Daughter/Friend situation has me upset

Postby turnaround » Tue Oct 28, 2014 11:11 pm

Okay.

The other girl sounds like she's going through a bit of a bitchy phase so that's another reason for you to feel secure in your belief that your friendship with her mother can stand a test like this. Hell, her mother might say to you "Oh thank goodness you emailed...I don't know what's come over my daughter etc" Score: 1-0 to you

If the other girl isn't slating your daughter on instagram then you know pretty well that your daughter is innocent. Plenty of innocent people get trolled on social media so if your daughter isn't being targeted it seems clear that the other girl is on a trigger-happy bitch-fest and firing randomly at all who come into range. Score: 2-0 to you

Easier said than done, but instead of thinking about what could be, think about what is. That, at this moment, is a friendship with this girl's mother. Maintain it. Drop her a message. Score: 3-0 to you

Once you've done that, you will have demonstrated that you can use calmness to peacefully resolve an internal conflict and you gain an extra point. Final score: 4-0 to you. Touch-down.

Additional note: Why the BLOODY HELL can't I use the same rationale in my own life?
CJ

Meds: Depakote, quetiapine
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Re: Daughter/Friend situation has me upset

Postby Caribee4me » Tue Oct 28, 2014 11:58 pm

Good job not acting. I'm thinking what is going on between teenage girls has no bearing on your adult relationship with the other mother. Keep it polite and civil at least, if not friendly. There's no reason for you moms to end your friendship because the girls are having some dispute that will likely resolve anyway. Take the high road and it will never come back and hurt you.
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Re: Daughter/Friend situation has me upset

Postby skilsaw » Wed Oct 29, 2014 5:13 am

turnaround wrote:...a trigger-happy bitch-fest...


He he he. :?
It is not always possible to make someone's discomfort go away.
Sometimes, the best thing we can do is resist the urge to fix it and instead just say, "You, too?"
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Re: Daughter/Friend situation has me upset

Postby quietgirl2538 » Wed Oct 29, 2014 9:40 am

Thank you all! :)

I am seriously considering send J, her mom, a short message on fb. She is always on there. It will go something like this, Hi J, how are you? Hope things are going fine with you. As you probably know M and O are not friends anymore. I'm sorry to know this but that is how the girls want it. I respect that. Still, you and I can be friends. Take care and keep in touch. Bye.

No drama, no details that would make anyone mad.

BTW I'm taking my anxiety med twice a day and everyday from now on until the new dosage of meds kicks in. I feel very....calm. LOL!
“There’s an Asian expression that ‘a burden shared is halved.’"

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Re: Daughter/Friend situation has me upset

Postby turnaround » Wed Oct 29, 2014 10:16 am

That sounds like a nicely crafted reply @ quietgirl. Well done. Succinct and honest with nothing that could be mis-read.

Go for it!
CJ

Meds: Depakote, quetiapine
Diagnosis: Bipolar II

"Fasten your seatbelt. It's going to be a bumpy night"
turnaround
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Re: Daughter/Friend situation has me upset

Postby turnaround » Wed Oct 29, 2014 2:18 pm

Have you sent it yet? #cheeringyouon
CJ

Meds: Depakote, quetiapine
Diagnosis: Bipolar II

"Fasten your seatbelt. It's going to be a bumpy night"
turnaround
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