Hello everyone! I'm Erin and I just joined here!
I'll try to keep this brief...
I've always been healthy and very health conscious. I used to do competitive swimming and after that I have played field hockey and lacrosse, so my athleticism has always been extremely important to me. Anyways, I'm 18 and will be starting my first year of college this fall, but the past couple years of my life have involved some issues with food.
Last summer I went on birth control for my acne and it increased my appetite. I was binging at night and gained about *edited by mod* in a very short period of time. This really affected my running times and fitness for field hockey and I was no longer fitting into a lot of my pants. I felt horrible and the birth control wasn't even helping my acne so after about 3 months on it I stopped taking it. I decided to try veganism, but that didn't work out too well, so I decided on vegetarianism, and now I eat fish. I GRADUALLY lost a little bit of weight over the course of my senior year, but was still heavier than I had been, so I sort of just started to accept it. Even though my binging wasn't as bad/frequent as it was in the summer, it was still affecting me. Then towards the end of the school year, my appetite randomly decreased... I honestly don't know how/why. So I started losing weight and felt really great. I starting training with the intent on playing Division III field hockey in college and my running times were looking pretty good. I was back to my original size and I was eating healthy and life seemed pretty great. Then I started binging a little bit and gained a couple of lbs but that was fine because I was able to keep it under pretty good control.
THEN we decided to host a family reunion of 50 people at our house so we made tons of desserts weeks in advance and froze them. I also started a full-time job at Wendy's. Most days I go into work in the morning so I wasn't really getting my runs and workouts in before work. Then when I would come home from work, after standing for 8 hours straight and only getting a 30 minute break to eat, feeling exhausted, not wanting to work out, and just wanting to EAT. I starting binging like crazy on the frozen desserts and it all went downhill from there. This was about 3 or 4 weeks ago and I have gained about 8 lbs and my binging is probably worse than ever. Of course my general appetite has also increased so I eat more in general and I feel so heavy that I feel disgusting when I try to run.
I have been under notable stress from my parent's divorced status and that is affecting my college finances as well. There is definitely an emotional/mental component here. I also am on ADD medicine and an SSRI for depression, which both contribute to my nightly binges, I think.
I go to work and my mind is bombarded with thoughts of how I WILL NOT BINGE when I get home and how I will work out, but it never works. I keep telling myself that I just need to live the healthy lifestyle that I did before, but of course, it's not that easy. I also should mention that I suffer from dermatillomania, where I compulsively pick at my skin. I have noticed that the hyper-focused state I am in while skin picking is almost the exact same as the one I am in when I binge. So both are obviously compulsive behaviors.
It is like ALL rational thought leaves my mind when I am going to binge. I even think "you told yourself you wouldn't eat any sweets" and so my little compulsive alter-ego responds with "I'm just going to have a little" AKA the biggest lie ever. Also, part of the problem is that I will consume a lot of the food we have and so my mom and sister complain and get angry with me. While they don't really mean to, it is like they are shaming me and I just feel like I have no will power and I am disgusting. I honestly don't think they know how much they contribute to my problems.
My mom is a psychiatrist and has tried to help me some per my request, but as many of you may know, binging is all about secrecy, so there is only so much that she can do. I honestly don't know how to dig myself out of this hole. I have looked at multiple tips for binge eating but they are all the same and they haven't worked because they involve rationality. I am so desperate. I need advice!
Last edited by ladyswan
on Sat Jul 21, 2012 2:40 am, edited 1 time in total.
Reason: removed weight