Hello, I think I have/ beginning to have a compulsive eating disorder. For years I didn't know I could actually have an eating disorder. I have Celiac Disease which can cause malnutrition so I just blamed always feeling the need to eat on that, or being active. But I've linked my need to feed with feelings of stress or anxiety. I KNOW the reasons for always eating. It's my low self esteem and obsession with my weight. I put so much pressure on myself all the time.
I just had my worst episode yet I think. And I feel awful! I felt worse earlier.. too bad to write a message on here so I had to wait until I calmed down a little bit. I ate a whole box of graham crackers and a bunch of marshmallows and a candy bar all after dinner. Hoping my parents didn't notice... So this equals more than 1200 calories, which is what I normally try to eat during the day (very rarely am I successful). I ALWAYS eat more than I need to, usually til the point I am full. I've become OBSESSED with my weight. For the moment, I'm not overweight, but if I continue with this behavior I'm going to be. My weight fluctuates between 112-118 every week basically. I mostly gain the lbs back on the weekend when I'm home. And now that school is out, I'm basically screwed. I'm going to become fat! I'm so scared and I feel helpless. All I read online is to stop eating when you're satisfied, write in a journal, distract yourself, blah blah blah. WHY IS IT SO HARD!!! Why can't we just STOP eating? WHY did I have to eat that whole box of graham crackers? I'm so desperate to live a normal life. It's like, the more I picture myself eating like a normal person, the more I think about it and obsess about TRYING to eat like a normal person. Which only leads to more binges and wanting to eat.
I feel like I should tell my doctor. I just feel anxious all the time and I can't sleep well anymore. I'm always so tired. But how do I tell my Mom? When I told her and SHOWED her the horrible dark circles under my eyes (which I've had for years now), all she said was "it's your makeup running" even though I had just taken all makeup off and taken a shower. I was literally running the makeup wipes under my eyes and showing her it wasn't makeup. And yet, she shrugged it off. I'm scared if I tell her about this possibly developing eating disorder that she'll try to convince me it's normal and brush it off. She's so stubborn. I just feel so out of control. Already I'm trying to fight the urge to plan out my meals for tomorrow. I want to slim down and lose some fat off my body so I can feel good about myself. But I'm at a loss!
But, at the same time, I feel like I can do this. That tomorrow, it'll be different and if I can force myself, I'll never eat too much ever again. Anyone ever feel like this? That if you keep a journal or just force yourself to keep control that you can beat it?
So what do I do.. Do I try to tell my Mom? Ask her to take me to the doctor and just don't tell her why? Or try to beat this by myself? I'm afraid of letting this go on for longer. I need to stop this NOW