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Finally realizing I have a problem

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Finally realizing I have a problem

Postby KatieH » Sun Jun 26, 2011 3:28 am

Hello, I think I have/ beginning to have a compulsive eating disorder. For years I didn't know I could actually have an eating disorder. I have Celiac Disease which can cause malnutrition so I just blamed always feeling the need to eat on that, or being active. But I've linked my need to feed with feelings of stress or anxiety. I KNOW the reasons for always eating. It's my low self esteem and obsession with my weight. I put so much pressure on myself all the time.
I just had my worst episode yet I think. And I feel awful! I felt worse earlier.. too bad to write a message on here so I had to wait until I calmed down a little bit. I ate a whole box of graham crackers and a bunch of marshmallows and a candy bar all after dinner. Hoping my parents didn't notice... So this equals more than 1200 calories, which is what I normally try to eat during the day (very rarely am I successful). I ALWAYS eat more than I need to, usually til the point I am full. I've become OBSESSED with my weight. For the moment, I'm not overweight, but if I continue with this behavior I'm going to be. My weight fluctuates between 112-118 every week basically. I mostly gain the lbs back on the weekend when I'm home. And now that school is out, I'm basically screwed. I'm going to become fat! I'm so scared and I feel helpless. All I read online is to stop eating when you're satisfied, write in a journal, distract yourself, blah blah blah. WHY IS IT SO HARD!!! Why can't we just STOP eating? WHY did I have to eat that whole box of graham crackers? I'm so desperate to live a normal life. It's like, the more I picture myself eating like a normal person, the more I think about it and obsess about TRYING to eat like a normal person. Which only leads to more binges and wanting to eat.
I feel like I should tell my doctor. I just feel anxious all the time and I can't sleep well anymore. I'm always so tired. But how do I tell my Mom? When I told her and SHOWED her the horrible dark circles under my eyes (which I've had for years now), all she said was "it's your makeup running" even though I had just taken all makeup off and taken a shower. I was literally running the makeup wipes under my eyes and showing her it wasn't makeup. And yet, she shrugged it off. I'm scared if I tell her about this possibly developing eating disorder that she'll try to convince me it's normal and brush it off. She's so stubborn. I just feel so out of control. Already I'm trying to fight the urge to plan out my meals for tomorrow. I want to slim down and lose some fat off my body so I can feel good about myself. But I'm at a loss!
But, at the same time, I feel like I can do this. That tomorrow, it'll be different and if I can force myself, I'll never eat too much ever again. Anyone ever feel like this? That if you keep a journal or just force yourself to keep control that you can beat it?

So what do I do.. Do I try to tell my Mom? Ask her to take me to the doctor and just don't tell her why? Or try to beat this by myself? I'm afraid of letting this go on for longer. I need to stop this NOW
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Re: Finally realizing I have a problem

Postby rabeeto » Sun Jun 26, 2011 5:50 am

I just wrote out this really long awesome reply and then hit some button and it was gone haha. So I'll just sum it up because I work in the morning :wink:

I can completely relate to you. I'm 19 and I live on my own, I have a roomate and I notice myself hiding food all the time from him, I'm embarrassed of how much I can, and do often, eat. I've had issues with food for as long as I can remember, it started becoming more prominant at around 13. I've been 82 lbs and I've been as much as 142 (I'm 5'1" keep in mind). Right now I hover around 124-129 and it's pretty awful haha.

You need to tell someone, and I can completely understand why you wouldn't want to have that conversation with your stubborn mom. My step-mother was the exact same way, and rolled her eyes whenever I so much as hinted to having issues with food. Once it was in the open she could only ever referr to the disorder as my "eating thing". You will have to tell your mom eventually, because professional help is the only way to get more education about how to deal with these things, and you're not an adult yet. But in the mean time, tell a school counsellor or even a best friend's mom or something. Then you can strategize how and when to tell your mom.

I'm about to pass out from a food coma, so I'll end it here ^_^

Much love,
Chelsea
'intending to burn, pretending to fight it...'

http://www.intendingtoburn.tumblr.com
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Re: Finally realizing I have a problem

Postby CrackedGirl » Sun Jun 26, 2011 1:57 pm

I am sorry you are going through this. I think what you need to do is tell your mum you have something to tell her that is serious and important, and that you need her support. It sounds like you have some real issues with food that need to be addressed and it will be easier to seek professional help with your mum on your side. Thinking of you. Good luck and let us know how you are doing.

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Re: Finally realizing I have a problem

Postby KatieH » Wed Jun 29, 2011 3:25 pm

Thank you guys. I think what I'm going to do is try and be more relaxed about food for a little bit and see if I can find some distractions that will help. I've been reading and looking at videos of how to fix the problem so I want to see if I can make it better first before I tell anyone. If I have a bad day/need to talk to someone, my best friend will be my go-to gal. I'm just going to try and obsess less and stop eating when I'm satisfied, not full. In my first post, I was just having my worst 'binge' thing yet and I just felt so out of control. I just ate a couple hundred calories of peanut butter, but I'm trying not to feel guilty about it. It's hard though. Just trying to convince myself that an hour bike ride and long walk later will help.
Part of the problem is like picturing myself eating less. For instance, my Mom is so thin and for breakfast all she'll have is a small bowl of cereal and a few berries on top. While, I might have a biggish of cereal and a plate of fruit. As soon as I'm done eating or even before I stop I'm just thinking about what else to eat, even if I'm not hungry anymore. I just want to break this habit. :/
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Re: Finally realizing I have a problem

Postby SmileXx » Wed Jun 29, 2011 4:00 pm

I'm really thinking you should see a doctor.
I know it's not ideal, and a lot of people don't usually want to recognize binge eating disorder as a real problem, but it is. That "out of control" feeling you get is a problem. I know, I feel it. Everyday.

The concept of trying to cancel out your food intake with exercise is tricky.
There's a healthy way to do it and an unhealthy way to do it that let you fall into the bulimia category (trying to exercise every calorie you eat away), and it's so easy to that. I did that, without even realizing what I was doing.

It's not easy to break the habit of binging. That's why it's a binge. It's a loss of control.
I've been trying for years.

Whatever you do, be well. <3
crimsonandclover wrote:Sometimes the greatest source is from within. And accepting whats in there.

veloruia wrote:We all have a bit of Smile in us.

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Re: Finally realizing I have a problem

Postby CrackedGirl » Wed Jun 29, 2011 7:40 pm

KatieH wrote:Thank you guys. I think what I'm going to do is try and be more relaxed about food for a little bit and see if I can find some distractions that will help. I've been reading and looking at videos of how to fix the problem so I want to see if I can make it better first before I tell anyone. If I have a bad day/need to talk to someone, my best friend will be my go-to gal. I'm just going to try and obsess less and stop eating when I'm satisfied, not full. In my first post, I was just having my worst 'binge' thing yet and I just felt so out of control. I just ate a couple hundred calories of peanut butter, but I'm trying not to feel guilty about it. It's hard though. Just trying to convince myself that an hour bike ride and long walk later will help.
Part of the problem is like picturing myself eating less. For instance, my Mom is so thin and for breakfast all she'll have is a small bowl of cereal and a few berries on top. While, I might have a biggish of cereal and a plate of fruit. As soon as I'm done eating or even before I stop I'm just thinking about what else to eat, even if I'm not hungry anymore. I just want to break this habit. :/


I think it is great you are trying to come up with strategies but I agree with Smile, you seem to have an eating disorder and I think seeing a Dr is a good thing to do. Is there any reason why you don't want to see a Dr?

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Re: Finally realizing I have a problem

Postby KatieH » Fri Jul 01, 2011 3:28 am

I'm just afraid of what my parents will think. I was just recently diagnosed with Celiac Disease and they're constantly bugging me "how are you feeling?" "you shouldn't eat that" "is your stomach okay today?" blah blah blah and I'm just sick of it. I hate it when they make a big deal about things, even though they only care and want to make me feel better. It actually makes me feel awful that I get so annoyed with them sometimes since I know they're only doing it because they want me to feel better. I think I just don't like being the center of attention. I'm afraid they won't believe that I could possibly have an eating disorder since I eat relatively normal around them. But, I know it's not healthy to polish off a bag of ginger snaps in a matter of hours and hopefully they will understand. I mean, teenagers do eat alot, but I'm not growing anymore, I've already filled out, I SHOULD be eating like a normal person. I hope they can see that if I just ate the way I eat around them, that I could actually be thin like them. I'm the heaviest one in my family (really I'm only about 10-15lbs above what I want to be) and it's just hard since I used to be so thin and petite. I'm just curvy now and I hate it. I want to be thin so badly.

Just going on a mini-rant right now... We're on vacation and we're staying with a very active family. They literally go on at least 2 hour long walks a day along with an hour or two bike ride or squash game. I feel so fat since I get sweatier than everyone else and huff and puff, even though I exercise for about an hour everyday! I think it's just because of my weight, those few extra pounds really make a difference. I actually had a bad binge day yesterday, but tried to ignore the guilt since it was my birthday. I tried to make it all happy binges, not UGH I feel fat.. I need food.

What I've decided to tell my Mom after we get back from vacation is that I want to talk to the doctor about my eating habits. I'm not necessarily going to explain unless she really prys it out of me, I'm just going to ask her to trust me that I NEED to talk to one. I've made it pretty clear in the past that I'm unhappy with the way I look and it's only going to get worse if I continue. So I'm getting pretty desperate and I think that will show if I need it to when I explain to her why I would like to see a doctor.
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Re: Finally realizing I have a problem

Postby CrackedGirl » Fri Jul 01, 2011 6:40 am

I think your idea about telling your Mum what you plan to and seeeing a Dr is a really good one. And really brave. Thinking of you

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Re: Finally realizing I have a problem

Postby KatieH » Fri Jul 29, 2011 11:52 pm

I feel so depressed today :(
I did finally talk to the doctor about my eating and broke down in front of her. But she seemed to think this crazy eating was just because of my Celiac Disease. Since I've had to cut out all wheat products, that means cutting certain carbs which apparently I'm craving. So, lately when I binge, I binge on cereals or chips (now removed from my house). But I'm trying to lose weight which means watching my carb intake.. totally backfiring! I keep losing a lb or 2 then gaining them right back after a bad day. I'm just so frustrated looking at pictures of myself and knowing I could be so much happier and thinner. I can list all of my problems that would be fixed if I was happy with my body. I feel like if I'm at my ideal weight, I won't want to binge anymore because I actually feel good about myself. I'm at 120lbs right now, which is the most I've weighed in my life (I gained 6lbs on vacation and was at 122 when I got home). I feel so gross. I know it's not terrible, but my ideal weight is 110. I just know I'm NEVER going to be happy with myself until I get there. I feel like I need to get my weight to where I want it, then if I still have problems, tackle the "binge eating" that my doctor doesn't think I have (I don't really think I have it either, I just lack self control). The most frustrating fact ever is that when I was 110 in my life, this was a normal day of eating for me:
Breakfast- coffee + half a grapefruit
Lunch- usually nothing or a cookie or granola bar
When I got home I would "pig out" which is nothing compared to what I eat now: bag of popcorn and something else
Dinner- Whatever Momma serves.

But that was eating like a bird! I don't want to go back to that, but I'm feeling like I have to. I'm just so disgusted with myself. I want to lose weight as fast as I can without being anorexic or bulimic (I've tried throwing up, but it's just way too unpleasant for me). I don't know what people are talking about when they say not to go under 1200 calories a day, because I can definitely still lose weight eating less than that. For instance, I lost 5lbs in one week (went from 117 to 112) without starving myself, just trying to stay calm and watch my food intake.

Does anyone else feel this anxiety to lose weight? I don't want to go out with friends until I look better, I don't go swimming even though its summer, and I'm resisting hanging out with a guy friend because I think he'll be disgusted by me.. I don't even want to look in the mirror anymore til I'm SURE I look better :(
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Re: Finally realizing I have a problem

Postby SmileXx » Sat Jul 30, 2011 1:43 am

Yes. I totally hate going places fat...
But the more I go out, the less opportunity I have to eat, the more likely I'll lose because I won't binge...
I fight through it...
Be strong girlie...

We're here for you. We know.
crimsonandclover wrote:Sometimes the greatest source is from within. And accepting whats in there.

veloruia wrote:We all have a bit of Smile in us.

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