EMBARRASSED

I have hidden my dirty little secret since I was in my teens. Now I am 41, with grown kids of my own, yet I feel empty and ashamed. I am writing this to get it out. The weakness was become self aware after I spent a year in Iraq. After returning my employer noticed changes in my demeanor and approached me with the idea of getting help (counseling) for possible PTSD. Me, What! Hell no! I didn’t want to tell them it was my nightmare of binge eating that was the issue. Iraq only added more stress and more fuel for the fire already burning deep within.

I am strong I tell you. I can conquer and handle anything I thought but sure enough as the months went on I became worse and the monster inside me gnawed and tugged fiercely. I hear things I dare not say to others. I hear….
“You a fat %#@%, you don’t need to touch anymore food.” Then comes the other voice saying, “It’s ok. No one is here for you but me so eating a little is alright.” Somewhere in the dark a whimper of the real me cries in the corner alone, not sure of whom to listen to but the outer shell. The fake me gives the door a hard shove, bang and a lock. The only way to deal with this is to allow them to nibble back in forth in a tug a war of starvation and gluttony. I don’t know the middle of the road. It is all or nothing with me. I feel useless!

Anyway, I sound pitiful and self loathing. I am strong I tell you. I survived child abuse, sexual abuse, a failed marriage, and combat. I can survive this. I have tried every diet tip, all the latest fads and pills. I have excessively used laxatives, vomited, and starved myself for weeks at a time to only succumb to the beast of burden “Binge eating.” I consume so much. I hate knowing the calories, carbs, and fat of what I eat but it is obsessive. Lastly, I mentally bash myself daily but you wouldn’t know it because I keep up a good façade. I have a little over a year until I retire and I am not sure what is next. Ironically, I love to cook for others and secretly eat in shame. I guess I am rambling! Oh, and I have failed previous attempts at getting help. What a piece of work!

Hi,

I believe you when you sauy that you are strong, because I know what you are going through - I am going through the same thing. I am a very determined and strong-minded person, but there's thing about me that still 'gets' me each and every time: my eating disorder. I'm only 26 now but can easily imagine it still being with me when I am your age. I learned to stop fighting it directly a few years ago and to just let it 'tag along' with me as I got on with my life instead. So - yeh - I know that you're strong and such..

Kevin

I am new here which is why I am posting a reply to your entry from a month ago.

I completely hear what you are saying. I was so strong I went for 2 years after having gastric bypass surgery of adhering to the rules and lost 145 pounds, but now I have regained 30 of it all because my binge eating has come back. Its like it hides in the shadows and the moment there is any opening in jumps out and ambushes you. I have struggled with binge eating for the past 18-19 years of my life and understand not knowing where the middle of the road is, because following my surgery it was easy to pretty much starve myself compared to what I had previously eaten, and now I find myself binging again. I am seeing a therapist for other issues I am dealing with, but am also hoping to get help with my ED as well. I hope you are able to find some peace and a bit of respite from the disorder.

Nicole