Help!! My story...anyone feel the same?

Your welcome, Chucky. Every little bit counts.

You are from Ireland, I see. I've been there before, it's the most beautiful place I have ever seen along with the most wonderful people on earth.

In America, I think Marketing tends to be more... manipulative, maybe? Take this pill and you'll lose weight without trying. Get this exersize machine/video and have the most fun you will ever have while losing weight. Get these diet meals sent straight to your home and save money while eating delicious food. I don't know do they have commercials like that on TV in europe? Even the same labels that are both in Europe and America have more colorful detailed graphics on them as if the prettier package is going to effect my purchase.

Anyways, what I'm trying to say is that everyday Americans are constantly bombarded with ads about losing weight and even in school weight and fitness issues are often discussed. I think it was 2nd grade, which was when I was around age 7 is when I began to over glamorize thin. At school I remember looking at this poster or something, there was this picture I would always look at and it said something like Be Fit Be Active with pictures of young kids looking happy in poses that expressed they were being active. I remember feeling far from what they were and wanting it. I was not an extremely heavy kid but, I was bigger than most and it made me feel different. A few years later around age 11, I began to really notice what skinny bodies looked like and what was different about mine. Somewhere around there is when I began bingeing. Ages 11-13 is when I gained a lot of weight and I was not very aware of the connection between the calories in the foods I was eating and how much I weighed. Age 14 is when I began unhealthy diet/binge cycles.

So, maybe I thought thin was better due to the mixed messages of media and all the things people around me were saying. I think I was too aware of weight for my own good at those ages. I mean it is good to be aware of your weight and where you fall in a matter of a good weight for you. But, at those ages it is rather confusing to have so much emphasis placed fitness and caused me to feel like I was something different from my peers and that difference wasn't a good difference.

Also, another factor working against me was my mother. She always would be saying things about my weight, comparing me to her at my age, and putting thoughts into my head that I probably would have been better off without. She effectively increased my self-conciousness, put harmful ideas about losing weight into may head and would sometimes permit me to eat certain foods and other times not allow it. I was so confused about food! She was not a bad mother, but this is were she really failed me.

Hi,

No, we don't actually have such advertisements on TV here. In fact, I have the strong suspicion that they are banned. However, given the economic situation, I can envisage them eventually appearaing as TV companies try to get more revenue from advertising. It's not right for things like that to be on TV though, or anywhere for that matter. Christ - like - it's so frustrating to see these things in magazines even. It's just really - how should I say - stupid and idiotic, and just downright wrong.

Kevin

Hi everyone! I know exactly what you are feeling. I hate the fact that food controls my life. I hate it even more that I allow it. I too have been missing a lot when it comes to my social life. It is a good weather outside today and it would have been really nice to be outside and hang out with friends in the park but I chose to sulk myself in my place and eat like there is no tomorrow. I am so disgusted. I have already binged twice today. I have managed to lose 5 pounds in the last month but here I am again, eating like a mad woman. I wish this would stop. I sometimes want to kill myself for doing so. I am living in a foreign country now and miss home so much. I think that if I go home, this disorder would go away. I am really really disgusted at myself for doing this. I even eat some food straight from the trash, right after I throw them. I know, really disgusting.

All of these posts explain everything i do! Its like reading the script to my life....

I keep promising myself that im going to start eating healthy and excercising...but i wont go out of the house to excercise if i feel fat.

Food is on my mind allll the time, "if i eat this i'll have to eat a lot to be able to throw it up later."

When I'm planning ahead for the next day ill be like 'have a healthy breakfast...occupy yourself til lunch and have a healthy lunch...then occupy yourself til dinner and just eat what your family's eating"

But when i open the cupboard or fridge i see a million things i want to eat, and ill just have a sample of a few things and then i can't stop and i end up throwing it up.

Some days i eat healthily and go all day without purging...and then when it gets to dinner im hungry and eat alot and then eat more to be able to throw it up.

When my family go to bed i feel free to be able to eat what i want and throw up in discretion...so it makes it that much more tempting to do it...

I guess thats why i left school and quit my job...to be able to be alone during the day because i tell myself that if i'm on my own i can sort it out on my own...but i cant. I cancel plans, skip parties and cancel appointments if i feel fat on that day...i don't wear clingly clothes and don't eat much around other people.

It is so hard because i know exactly what im doing to my body, but the relief of knowing you've gotten rid of a heap of food always gets the better of me!

I'm so glad theres other people in the same position as me...(not glad you have the eating disorder) it just reassures me that im not the only one struggling...and i hope we can all overcome it somehow

Hey Amelia,

This particular thread is rather old but thanks for replying anyway. I read your other threa (the one that you started yourself) and I obviously can relate to everything you've said. Just on thing though: Are you still out of work? I know and understand why you left your old job, but I can't agree with it. I mean - okay - it's something like what I'd do but it's kind of 'giving in' to the disorder... ...and I hate that!

Yeah i know, i only came across them today...and i was shocked because everything that was said is exactly what i do and how i feel.
I'm still out of work .. i've been meaning to get a new job but my disorder always gets in the way of me going out to get one..
Putting on one or two kilos will stop me from leaving the house, and i'll make any excuse to get out of plans or appointments.

The thing i hate the most, is that my family don't really understand why i left school and quit work.
They always give me a hard time about being a bum, bludging around all day and everytime they do i break down because i'm the only one who knows the real reason and i cant tell them. I stopped showing up to work because one day i missed a shift caus i'd eaten a lot the night before and i thought i'd put on weight so i did a no show...and then i was too scared to show up after that so i kept avoiding them...but i was always calling in sick when i had my issues.

I hate people thinking im a lazy bludgy bum who sits around at home all day, because the truth is i spend all day cleaning up the bench after i eat all the shit i do, stacking and unstacking the dishwasher, cleaning the bathroom...
and for my family to come home and say..."why didnt you do this, your not at school you sit around at home all day"

arghh,

sorry about the essay its just so good to get it off my chest.

You know, what i have just replied in 'our' other thread is better suited here, because you're in exactly that same boat that I was in a few years ago when I was really letting bulimia ruin everything. I got completely sick of it destroying things and just learned to live with it as best as I could. I then realised that I had more time to focus on other things in my life. You can do this too I'm sure.

Look, your family might never understand, so don't even bother wasting time trying to make them. My family don't understand a lot about me but I just say to myself: 'Oh well, they'll never understand so I'm not wasting any more time trying to make them understand'. So - yeh - REARRANGE your time to more productive things. You can take the bulimia along with you, but keep 'him'/it under wraps and control.

Kevin

I want to be able to focus on other things more than food, and i try...but i'm so deep in this way of dealing with food and my weight that it's almost impossible to get out!
I'm so sick of it, im damaging my body so much and i can feel it! - but it's still not enough to stop me. Do i really fear putting on weight more than killing my own body? ...wow.

Anyway...thanks for your advice, i'll try maybe planning ahead and writing down the way i'm feeling so that maybe i can control what i decide to do. (im only scared my family will find what i write)ly im

But apart from that, by working with it..things can only get better right?

And you know how you say you plan your binges and kind of 'join forces' with it... people may think "why would you want to choose to be a part of your bulimia" ..but really, if you werent working with it, you would still be doing it but in a less healthy way. So by doing what your doing your only improving and controlling something you will still be doing anyway.


People really don't understand how difficult this is.

Lozzle, its like you just summarized my life! I've only been binging since Feb. this year, but everything else is exactly the same. You're not alone

Amelia, you didn't completely understand what I was saying. On the surface, accepting bulimia into your life and not fighting it sounds daft, but then what happened today with you? - You mentioned that you were going to try not to binge. Why must you go into each day with this 'battling' mentality? I already know when my next binge will be (Sunday), and therefore I can go into tomorrow and saturday with a free mind, with no battles over my food.

If you can't beat them, join them... ...as they say.