new member- wants to tell story just to vent!

Hi, I just signed up for the forum and I want to write a short history of my eating habits just to get it off my chest.

I was always an overweight child but that wasn't due to binging, just overeating because i was given too much home cooking ! When I was about 13 I became more conscious of my weight as i had started secondary school and so I went on a diet with my friend which I found really exciting at the time. We went to the gym every single day as well as doing sport throughout the day at school. I lost 3 and a half stone in the space of a year. We developed a pattern of eating barely anything during the week then 'treating' ourselves one night at weekends where we would binge and eat whole cheesecakes, crisps, biscuits, everything. I continued this pattern for around two years but the binging started happening more and more. This seemed to fall in line with a series of big life events, like my brother attempting suicide and my Dad losing his job. I was very bored by life and frustrated, especially as no guys paid me any attention even though I had lost lots of weight. The weight started creeping back on and now, 20, I am almost back to the same size as I was when I began dieting 7 years ago. Sometimes I am so in control, and other times I almost make an conscious decision not to be and just allow myself a few days to be 'bad'. I am a member of a gym and get into a good pattern of eating healthy, substantial meals and will begin to loose weight, then still feel the need to binge. I think this is largely due to there being an emotional gap in my life, I have never had a boyfriend but have good fun friends but find I don't really get what I want when I socialise with them. Its a viscious circle, I know that I just need special attention and comfort in knowing somebody is there for me (other than parents) but the more I eat the less likely that is to happen, and the fact that nothing is happening causes me to binge again. I can identify with what a lot of people have been saying on here about feeling in control of life when their eating is going well, but out of control when it is not- it is a bit of a chicken and egg problem though. I have seen a therapist for a year but it doesn'nt really help my problem, although it is great to have somebody to talk to and I love her to bits for understanding me so well. I just really really am fed up of waiting for my life to happen, I do so many exciting things and I'm at uni etc but seem to get no satisfaction from any of it. SOOO FRUSTRATED and just want to stop binging forever!! But I know tomorrow that I will feel the urge to again. ahhh

Hey,

I have been suffering with eating disorders for the past few years and I'm now 25 years old, and male. You mention that you are sometimes in control, but are you ever really in control? I use that word too (i.e. - control) but we're never really in control of this damn illness. It is always there, lurking underneath and waiting to raise its ugly head again. I'm going through a pretty bad moment right now of putting on weight, slightly, and it's really depressing me. I know that I'm not overweight, but I just hate it when my weight goes up even a small bit (better when it goe down!).

Kevin

im in the same boat. I have been dealing with eating disorders for 14 years. Bulimia, Anorexia, Bulimia, then Binge Eating disorder now.

I have always had extreme low self esteen and social anxiety. Right now with the binge eating disorder if im eating right and exercising I do alot better and have more of a positive outlook on most areas in my life. In the past month in a half I have gone from my worst of binging 5 days a week to just about once a week now. However these binges are extremely severe. Todya i even binged mulitiple times and resorted to purging. However i binged yet again afterward and did not purge... go figure.

Anyhow, I just wanted to say that its so crazy that we can feel so good when we eat right and work out . . . and know this . . . yet still have the need to binge. Its almost a paradox, I dont necessary feel that big rush and high that i got from bulimia, it just drops me down to numb mode where i can't feel emotion.

Ok Im rambling . . . could go on forever. Its nice to find a place where people understand

recoverybound, i really feel sad for you because I find that even one binge/purge in a day is awful, but there's you having done 5 in one day. You must have felt terrible afterwards, right? Even after I binge once, it typically takes me a few days to feel good about myself again. Are we ever really in control though? You mentioned that you do better when you are exercising and eating right, but is this genuinely a sign of being in control?; or a recovery? It's always around the corner waiting to raise it's ugly head.

Kevin

yes i feel like its a never ending cycle. Lets face it, we are no different than drug addicts or alcoholics except we have to have food to live. Now im pretty good at not relapsing if i do healthy food thats low on the glycemic index. Give me something refined and with alot of simple sugars and i lose complete control. There's no stopping until I sleep. Knowing that i most likely wont be able to go the rest of my life without binging my goal is to just decrease the frequency.

But your right, its about control. Let go of the binging, I become a control freak about exercise . . . fanatic about how much i do, but then you get bored and exhausted and have no life. Really either way im sick of my life being consumed by the thougths of food, exercise, calories, fat, losing weight and not getting fat. uggg

Thanks for posting again. I am feeling VERY VERY bad right now about myself. My self-esteem has plummetted to the bottom of the barrel and I am just longing to stuff my face with food. I have to stay in control though. I nearly completely lost it a few mornings ago when I drank nearly a full pint of orange juice in one go. That messed me up for the rest of the day. i don't know what the future holds for us, do you? I cannot ever imagine myself being comfortable with my food.

Kevin

i feel for you. After 2 extreme bad days fo binging and like 3 normal eating days. Not restricting at all but not really over eating, maybe a few drinks... my weight went up 7 pounds. Yeay, that does wonders for my esteem. So now im very irritable and in depression mode. Dont want to deal with anyone. Sometimes i just want to start all over

Isn't that so weird? It's like our weight is inversely proportional to our moods: When our weight goes up, our moods go down; When our weight goes down, our moods go up. I binged today and I've put on a bit of weight which I'm not happy about. yesterday, when I stood on the scales, I just put my hand over my face and said 'Jesus christ!", in a sombre/depressing manner.

When I feel 'heavy', I don't talk to anyone either and I just walk around with my head down. I know that I'm still well-within the normal weight for my age and height but i just can't help wanting to look super skinny.

What do you mean by starting all over?

ooops, i thought i replied to this earlier. and I dont have time now cuz im going to work. Things have been crazy for me. I did buy a bunch of books and worksbooks to kinda supplement my treatment. Ill let people know which ones i deem helpful or triggering. only on like page 50 of my first book right now

That's okay my friend. Don't worry about having to reply all of the time. just come here and make a post whenever you feel the need to. There is no pressure at all. Anyway, my problems [eating ones] have been awful recently too. I think I've done 'it' (binged/purged) more times this month than I did in the previous 3 or 4. Christ, and it's coming up to Easter now.

Kevin