I want to break my BDSM fetish

I agree with anguisette.

I believe these kinds of "fetishes" are essentially forms of sexual orientation. My sexual fantasies have ALWAYS involved female submission--even before I hit puberty myself.

I've never been a lifestyle sub or slave (I'd love to explore that, but the opportunity hasn't presented itself, and I haven't been compelled to aggressively seek it out). I can enjoy the physical sensations of regular vanilla sex, but in order to go over the edge and orgasm, I MUST either be playing out the submissive role or fantasizing about being restrained, dominated, humiliated, forced to do filthy things against my will, etc.

Personally, I don't have a problem with this. It's just the way I am, the way I've always been. If anything, I think it makes my sex life hotter and healthier. I say: Embrace your kink. Find someone who appreciates it. Then make each other deliriously happy.

Okay so Im on this post because I had a crazy experience yesterday evening. I am a 21 year old male and I am still a virgin, and have never had vanilla sexual intercourse. I tried when I was 17 but could not get erect unless I was worshipping my lovers (female) feet or thinking about being humiliated or something along those lines. I actually went to see a "goddess" at Phoenix Goddess Temple and was going to do a foot worship session/boot worship session with her. During the session, I started off by worshipping her shoes, and then went to her feet. After worshipping her feet, I asked her to get them dirty for me and she went and did that and before she left outside to get them dirty she asked me "why? Why do you crave this humiliation you ask for? Contemplate that and give me an answer". This is when the session started getting really weird. When she came back I told her I didnt know and that i just turned me on. Then she replied by giving me a firm spank and said thats not a good reason. I started worshipping her dirty feet and instead of humiliating me in the way that gets me going (verbal humiliation and such), she asked me what I have contributed to this world, and if I have ever had functional sex with a girl. I told her that I was a 2nd degree black belt, got good grades, and some other achievements. I answered her second question with a no and explained to her my story about when I was 17. She then asked me again where my liking to erotic humiliation came from and if I had ever felt like i had been loved before. I told her my mom was very strict and I had to do everything to a tee, and if i didn't i would get beat severely (Starting form when I was four, my mom would say she would cut my penis off, spank me, punch me in my body while sitting on me, etc.) Then she asked me if I could do anything about it at the time? I said nope, I had to take it. So she said "aha, well you were forced to take this physical abuse and could not tell anyone or do anything about it, so as a human being, you had to find ways to cope with it" She continued "you are not weak at all, you are actually very strong because you probably got sent to your room (after being beaten, or yelled at), and then played with yourself, and found that you could derive pleasure from the pain you were put through, it was a coping mechanism". She told me "Well back then you did not have a choice but to put up your sword and fought and say "###$ you, hit me, humiliate me, i can take as much as you can give (since it gave me pleasure)! But now, you have a choice, you have the choice of loving a women and embracing her, and showing her how strong you are as well as receiving love from her".She also told me that As i get older, it will take more and more humiliation for me to get the same levels of arousal (she said i needed a stronger charge each time). I was surprised at how smart she was because this is true. When I was 17, I was only into foot pov videos with cute girls, then i got into foot worship followed by forced foot worship, then spitting and slapping and now I have thought about taking a strap on and im 21. She said its not a bad thing, but it is when its an addiction and she used drugs as a metaphor(you know the more you use, the more it takes to get the same feeling). She told me that she knows many men who are in their 40's who are miserable because they have to do all kinds of things just to get aroused. She asked me if I had any dreams and I told her I did (which I really do, I want to have a good job, nice wife, and possibly kids one day). She told me that If i keep watching porn, and seeing mistresses, that I am wasting money to become miserable. I then found out that she was a P.H.D. in sexual psychology and was a sex therapist (she even gave me her card). She told me that I cannot let go of this fetish, but i can extend my love map (things i like to do sexually) by finding something else that excites me (which will only probably happen through an experience) and hang on to that. I can then choose to keep this fetish as well, but if i like that better, then i can stick to that. In order to do this, i must slowly get away from humiliation. She said that for pedofiles they will give the pedofile a picture of an 8 year old and tell him that all he can masturbate to is that picture. A month later, they will give him a picture of a 9 year old and say the same thing. They will keep doing this until he is getting aroused by girls of legal age. So just like that, I think that I will start off with being humiliated to the max, then to mild humiliation, then to slight, then to none, just plain foot worship (which was all that was needed for me to get extremely aroused initially), then to whole body worship and so on. So for all you people who need help you can try this. Also I would greatly appreciate it if you can post your replies telling me what you think. Hope I helped you guys.

I completely agree with "anguisette", the most important thing is to know who you are, and what do you need to feel yourself free.
I'm a man and I'm getting 36, but I've knew since I was I child that I was BSDM fetish (feet and heels in general) but I can have a normal sexual activity with a woman as well, without BSDM... Of course, she'll turn me on a "bit more" if she agree with me about that but that's not a "must", just a "plus" and you could always ask to her if she agree. Ask and not command!

paraphiliac187,

I'm with you.
I also have some ideias, concepts, things, that I can't do or go without. where most ppl eroticses the body, the passion, etc. I from power exchange, from giving pain, and feeling it received with joy. and in feeling her giving herself to me, and vice-versa...

And frankly... if it's possible to be cured... I don't want to be cured... don't be ashamed of what you are... Live it, with eyes wide open, with common sense and due care, but live it.
if you surrender to someone make sure the deserve it and can handle it

anguisette wrote:I disagree completely with the labelling of submissiveness or BDSM identity as a paraphilia. The inclusion of SM activities in the DSM-IV is comparable to the way homosexuality was labelled as a mental illness until the 1970's and is simply a reflection of the sex-negativity and intolerance of the mainstream psychiatric community.

It is not the same.

No one is going to call BDSM practices per se pathological. But they can be, depending on the dynamic.
It is not a sexual orientation, just as preference for oral sex or kissing is not an orientation. Sexual orientation strictly refers to preference of gender. BDSM is a sexual practice.

If for some reason can not enjoy consensual non BDSM sex at all that is sign pf pathology and as such can be treated , though you wouldn't go seek treatment for a "cure" the cure would happen as a by product off the therapeutic process that addresses whatever the underlying issue really is.