blameitonbadluck wrote:So I'm having some trouble and would really like to get some feed back. I've experienced a drastic change in my personality ever since I had my mental breakdown. I'm a 19 year old guy and have been having this problem for the past couple of years now. Basically growing up was pretty hard on me.
I grew up in an unstable household (still am) where my parents always fought, my father was physically and mentally abusive to my mother and I but not my sisters for some reason(thankfully for them) I always though it was because my parents had me at such a young age (mom: 18. dad: 20) that maybe he had resentment towards me because I could never understand why I was always targerted when in reality I was not a bad kid what so ever. Was teased a lot in school but I was alwas able to hold
my head up high, I always had friends though so that was never an issue. I've struggled a lot with my weigh. Was always a chubby kid but never cared until high school when I used to get referred to as the "fat #######1" lol whatever. Anyway, I was always the center of attention. I was fun, enthusiastic, ambitious, outrageous and just knew how to have fun. I never ever cared what people though I always expressed myself no matter what. Finally my parents divorced and that made
me pretty happy. Then comes 10th grade, I started getting randomly depressed and anxious. I decided I wanted to become skinny and starved myself(went from 240-135 between April-December 08). My moods started to become violent and I began to have this rebellious attitude. After my parents divorced I started really taking advatage to my new found freedom by coming and going as I pleased(even though I was 15) but still had an awesome personality behind that all. Though I've been hospitalized once for a few days for suicide watch, I was medicated and saw a few therapists...was always crying when I was alone for no reason, I would seek attention on the most ridiculous ways because I felt alone and unwanted and my therapists have said I experienced a mental breakdown. I was used by people, lied to. My trust has really been battered. My family constantely try to comtrol every aspect of my life. They alway somehow know what I am doing. They try to tell me what to do when it comes to what I'm going for in school and my father refuses
to pay for it unless it's acceptable by him. I'm expected to live up to everybody elses starndards or I'm a trainwreck to them. Anyway that lasted through about the end of 11th grade when I finally began to anylize my situation and go "what the hell was I thinking?" However, I have noticed I have never been the same after all that. I feel like I can't love anymore. My personality is gone, there no spark anymore. I go through life day by day and thats it or thats how I feel. I developed social anxiety which I have never had. I get all nervous and self concious around people now and can't stand to be around groups of people anymore.
I even lost my passion for performing which is what I loved most, you won't catch me on stage anytime soon. I just would like to know what some of you think. It's sad I realize these things but can't seem to fix them.
I have almost an identical situation, and it scares me to the point where im in tears ready to give up on life, getting no answers from therapists or psychiatrists. I grew up severely abused on both ends. My parents divorced when I was 3, my step dad was extremely physically abusive, my step mom extremely emotionally and verbally abusive. So there in itself went the first 18 yrs of my life.
Since then, I have had two break downs, one when I was 18, which took me 4 yrs to overcome, and then a second one When I was 23.....5 yrs later have still not been able to even begin to get through. If anything, I feel it has only became worse.
Growing up, everyone always asked me if I ever had a bad day, at work my boss would ask me if i ever had a down day. That was just me, no matter how hard life got, I was still smiling, joking around, living it up. The way my therapist at the time put it to my parents "of course he does, because the very second the laughing stops, where will that leave him (reality check)" So to avoid the real issues, I just joked my way out of them. The laughing stopped, reality caught up with me. And now I feel like the question now is, do i ever have a good day. I have no friends, I refuse to allow myself to get emotionally attached to anyone, even my own family. I am depressed all the time. I am scared at this point. Ive talked to therapists, psychiatrists, church leaders, every one keeps on telling me if i was that way once, I can be that way again. 5 years later....it's only became worse, much much worse.