Anyway I can finally see the degree to which I've been self-medicating. I had my first sober day in a while yesterday and I felt anguish and intense restlessness, making me totally unable to just relax and zone out / watch tv. The worst part of it is I've been experiencing uncontrollable violent bursts of anger. It's this I want to eradicate most of all.
So, I'm really asking for any tips at all to help make the transition from being numb and stoned on a daily basis.
Well, smoking dope is something I know something about. I'm 63 and smoked it for 29 years. I've been clean 14 years as of September. I'm the only drug user I know who never got past pot (except for alcohol which I had tried first and was not my "drug of choice.") I never tried another kind of drug, legal or illegal (unless it was a pain killer after getting a tooth pulled and I don't even like using those).
But I was talking to a friend once who said he stopped smoking dope and drinking for three months and "everything seemed so flat." I noticed the same thing the times I would quit (probably the longest I ever managed that was a month.) Then years later, I read a story in the New York Times that the brain naturally produces endorphins, which makes long distance runners feel good. But when we do drugs, the brain stops manufacturing endorphins so when we quit doing drugs, we feel worse.
Something people never tell you about quitting drugs or booze---it gets harder AFTER you do it.
As I heard in AA once, "you can sober up a drunken horse thief but you've still got a horse thief."
You've still got all the problems you had while using but you now don't have the drug smoke covering it up.
Don't let anyone convince you that it's "only" marijuana. You don't have to snort or inject something for it to be addicting. Hang in there and give it up if you can. It can only make an avoidant problems worse.