I don't think I'm ever in control when it comes to getting close to people. I have this omnipresent instinct to immediately close any emotional doors that people try to open into my personal space. Sometimes the people are really nice and I would love to have their companionship, but eventually we drift away as I instinctively push them further and further from getting to know me.
A large part of it is emotional - I'm afraid that once they're my friend, they'll realize the way I live and think about life in general, and that they'll no longer be friends with me, perhaps even gossip to others about me.
From that emotional fear, I've unknowingly developed a cognitive response to potential relationship encounters. Be nice, give the person/people what they need, and slowly disappear. And that mindset has governed all my interactions from a young age already.
Now it's just a habit. I don't even have to think about what I'm doing anymore, it's a repetitive cycle that leaves me without real friendships or people to trust.
Be anxious for nothing, but in everything by prayer and supplication with thanksgiving let your requests be made known to God. And the peace of God, which surpasses all comprehension, will guard your heart and mind in Christ Jesus.
- Phillipians 4: 6-7