What's Your Story- Introduce Yourself

Hi, I'm Johnny. Lily knows me from over in the BPD area, but to the rest of you, I guess I'm the new guy.

It's funny; I've seen a ton of these intro posts since I got here, but I didn't really do much of an intro myself, so forgive me if I'm not overly good at this part.

About a year ago, after being suicidal following a crash, I was put on citalopram and trazodone (one as an AD, one as a sedative) by my GP. I was also booked in for a psych eval, where it was determined by the psych that I have Borderline PD and Avoidant PD. Basically, I crave love, almost to the point of an addiction, but I'm too shy to go and find it. So, here I stand; east of the rock and west of the hard place.

See? I told you I wasn't good at this part.

Hi Johnny

Welcome to the AvPD forum!

I know all about the craving love but being too afraid to go after it.

Thanks for joining us
Lily

So.. I'm new to this forum.

I am female and 27 years old. The other day my therapist diagnosed me with Avoidant Personality Disorder and said that I also have some mild Borderline traits. I was kind of distressed by this because I have heard that personality disorders are pretty much set in stone and are more heavily stigmatized than regular mental illnesses. However, I really do fit the profile.

I grew up in a profoundly dysfunctional family and the abuse I recieved from my mother (who likely had a combo of very severe Borderline and also Narcissistic personality disorders) caused me to withdraw from other people, mostly because I feel I am inferior to others especially in regards to my physical appearance. I have taken numerous types of medications and have been hospitalized 3 times due to breakdowns and suicide attempts. I quit school at the age of 16 because I really could not handle rejection and basic social interaction. For years after that I went from shut-in to trying out jobs but usually failing at anything that required me to work where people watched me.I finally quit work and had to do therapy for a while.

At the age of 24 I entered a university and moved out on my own however, and finally learned to drive a car. I still have only one friend who I live with but I will likely not be close to her anymore when I graduate in another year or so. I find it difficult to make friends with anyone, even though I try to be outgoing. I just have nothing in common with other people, and my mood swings and complete self-loathing kind of prevent me from building anything with another human being.

Mostly I feel rather miserable that I have never had a real romantic relationship. I have been on a few dates with men I met online, but they never spoke to me afterwards. I like women too but nothing has ever worked out in that area either. I think that at my age I am getting too old to be with anyone. Who wants someone so inexperienced, especially when they are not good looking like me? I crave physical contact and affection, but I doubt I'll find it anytime soon.

I find the most comfort in my fantasy life. I play video games, watch movies, read books, etc. in order to escape from my loneliness. The fantasy world in my head is infinitely better than this one.

So now that you know my life story...

Hello...

Hey, Trinity9. Welcome!

I'd just like to say: 27 is young

And, well, there are people out there who are inexperienced themselves...

Hi Trinity; welcome to the BPD/AvPD club!

Anagram's right; you've still got plenty of time left. You're still young, even if you don't feel like it at times. All you can do is take things at a pace that you feel comfy with, and that includes relations. I know, with BPD traits, it's difficult, since we strive so hard to be loved, but pushing it rarely works. Just ask any of the people in the BPD section.

Hello everyone,

I've been diagnosed as having AvPD although I've always known I was different. I read some of the previous posts and I identify myself with a lot of what is being said. I read online about this condition and it seems that there is no "cure" or treatment, the problem is indeed in the way that "we" think about the world. At every waking moment of my life I am evaluating and comparing with others and coming to the conclusion that I am somehow inferior or, if that's empirically not the case, then that that person is $#%^). Online articles say this is a pattern you can't break, although I've also read that symptoms tend to decrease with age so.. at least there's that consolation. I don't see myself as socially inept though, the main problem (I think) is that I'm too sensible and get hurt too easily by others remarks and actions. I also wanted to post here because even though I never felt like a completely normal person, the only few times when I was able to break out of this self defeating pattern was through a couple of meaningful relationships. I never felt anything about my parents and brother except either anger, fear, pity or the duty to protect them, so it was pretty late in my life when I learned what it meant to "like" someone. I remember only one really close male friend from childhood, and a lot of empty friendships. As I became older I lost some of the anxiety which prevented me from talking to girls. I've always tended to idealize relationships in my head, both of love and of hate, that never stack very well to reality and so I was very surprised when a girl from my school actually wanted to be my girlfriend. I refused, though, because I didn't think I was worth it. I'm about to graduate from college now and even though I have to say I'm pretty much the same introspective weirdo, I feel better about my self worth. Three years ago I was fortunate enough to be very close friends (ie friendzoned) with a girl from my university and during that year I was surprisingly sociable... and happy. My apologies for this long self centered post and sorry for using the word "I" so much, but if you've managed to read this so far then all I really wanted to say is if you can go out there and make one true friend that you really like, that's all it takes. It's easier said than done but, if there is a "cure", that has to be it. Good Luck

roland wrote:if you can go out there and make one true friend that you really like, that's all it takes. It's easier said than done but, if there is a "cure", that has to be it

Couldn't agree more.

Good Luck

Optimism! You're off to a good start!

Welcome!

I'm a 39 year old female (U.S.), diagnosed with avoidant personality disorder, bipolar I with suicidal ideation and anxiety. Newly diagnosed - within last year on all accounts - although I knew I was broken and now have some names to put with the ugly and broken face. Painfully shy as a child, I avoided school (even though I was pretty good); I have never had any meaningful relationship (ever) never staying in contact with friends and going from one long term "boyfriend" to another in school, finally settling on someone whom I married then divorced him (after 12 years); Had a great career (I guess because I got comfortable) and lost my job (after 16 years) due to hitting a major psychological wall (nothing "economy" related unfortunately) and have been a general mess ever since. In review of my life and patterns - all due to avoidant personality disorder. (The other things just complicate matters.) Seems safer to say this to strangers than to anyone who thinks they know me. I can't bring myself to admit any of this to anyone because I don't want people "who know me" to evaluate/criticize me. Far more acceptable to be depressed and suicidal than to be afraid and lonely. Now searching for ways to cope and came across this forum. Think it may be in the U.K. so felt the need to state I'm in the U.S. (No fear in me ever poppin' over to see you Thank you.

Hi rescewjen

Welcome to the forums. The site has people from all corners of the world, though there seems to be quite a few from the UK. I'm from Australia.

I can understand being able to talk about things with strangers than people I know too. The real attraction in posting on a forum to many of us I think it that we don't have to do the face-to-face interaction, and we can do it from behind the safety of a computer screen.

I hope you find posting on the forum helpful to you.

Lily

Hi. I'm 26 years old and I have AvPD. I always knew I had some shyness or social anxiety growing up until I was diagnosed recently. The last job I had my boss knew how sensitive I was to criticism. If a mistake was made (and these were rare) he never gave me lecture. He knew I would be giving myself hell over it.

I just returned to school this summer to get a degree and the transition has been very difficult. I have made an effort to be friendly and helpful to others but no one seems to reciprocate.

When I was younger I would retreat into my fantasy world occasionally but it has become an enduring, pervasive thing. I daydream every day, without fail, and I know it is a form of escape. Anyway, just wanted to introduce myself. I think it's good that I found a community of similar people, I thought I was alone in this.