Right now I can count the people I'd call a friend on one hand. Sure there are people I was friends with in high school that I'd be happy to see or talk to, but I haven't talked to most of them in over a year. Even the people I would call a friend, I haven't talked to any of them in at least a month or two. I guess an AVPD definition of friendship is a little different than most...
I always feel like, if the person wanted to spend time with me or talk to me, they would. But I don't want to bother them if they don't. Obviously, if they aren't contacting me they don't want to be around me. Which I know in my head doesn't make any sense because the phone works two ways, but I still can't get myself to talk to anyone.
And I would like to make friends, but at the same time I feel like I just won't fit in. I never do. Sure people might like me for a while, but they always go away. They always stop talking to me eventually. I always feel like people are either too shallow/self-obsessed/celebrity obsessed and I don't want to hang out with them because we don't have much in common, or they are very smart people who know way more than I do about school and the things we might both be interested in, which just makes me feel like I'm not good enough and like I don't know anything and that I just pretend to be smart about some things, but really I don't know anything. So either way, I end up alone. I honestly can't even remember the last time I hung out with anyone, or talked to someone on facebook, or texted a friend, or did anything like that.
Every single weekend since school started almost a month ago, I've spent at home alone while my parents went out with their friends. My parents have a way better social life than I do. Then of course there's my sister. She's skinny and tall and everyone thinks she's so perfect and she has all these friends, and she keeps inviting me to lunch. But not to be nice to me, just so she doesn't have to eat alone. She only talks to me because she feels bad for me that I don't have any friends.
But honestly, who would want to spend time with me? My idea of a good time is watching a tv show and knitting. No one wants to spend time with someone who does that. Except my internet friends, and I don't even know their names.