Well for me, it's like I want more than anything to be accepted, loved....to have as many friends as possible. I get so lonely and depressed. Yet the very second I realize someone might actually like me, might actually care, and be able to look past my differences and struggles, that's when things go sour. Either I back off myself or I push them away with different behaviors. Even with family, I lived with my mom for a year, and that became too much. I tried my dads house for a bit, 3 weeks later it was time to move on. So then I moved in with my brother, after 6 months there, it was time to move on, I had a roommate situation and that was going fine up until I found out we were getting a new roommate (someone who I had no idea who it was), so I moved on from there. Now Im back living with my mom, we'll see how long this lasts.
As far as the friendship thing, I think it's more because every time I have got close to someone, it has ended because of one or two reasons. The first one, I feel they were just my friend because they are just as desperate to be accepted as I am, so I use that against myself, leading myself to believe thats the only reason they want to be my friend, that they would go after anyone who even smiled at them. The other one which is more popular, is the ones that are "normal", that could have as many friends as they wanted but are still willing to take the time out of there day to care about me, I tend to go a bit overboard, especially emotionally. After a while it becomes too emotionally burdening for them. They go there seperate ways and leaves me completely devestated because once I have a friend like that, I tend to cling to them. Now I have a saying that I tell everyone when they ask why I am still single at 27. The very second you let your guard down, it leaves you wide open to get hurt, and it's bound to happen every time. The weird part about it, is the longer I am with them, the more I get to know them, you would think it would become easier. But it's the opposite. The more time that goes by, the more that I push people away. My shrink says the anxiety get's to be too much, that it becomes overwhelming. So I just totally pull myself out of the situation altogether.
So I have somehow managed to allow myself to numb any emotional attachments so I dont get too close to anyone, that even if they through themselves out there, I still wouldnt notice, I still wouldnt feel any different. Someone could love me, and I wouldnt even recognize it. When you want a good set of friends, a true established set of friends, how do you overcome this?
-- Tue Sep 06, 2011 1:27 pm --
It's like I am so afraid of them leaving me, that I make sure Im the one that leaves first. Growing up, the longest friendship I ever had lasted was 3 months. Every three months or so in school, it seemed like I was having to establish a new set of friends. I was severely abused the first 18 years of my life in every way you could think of.....literally. When I wasnt getting a good beat down at home which happened daily, emotionally abused that was non stop, I was getting bullied at school. So I guess that has a lot to do with it. Its not a matter of are they going to hurt me, but when, like I am already expecting it. So I numb myself and push myself away so I dont have to go back and say "see, i told you so" But then it doesnt allow myself to get to know those who might truly care, who might really want to help out and be my friend.