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Why do I push people away

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Why do I push people away

Postby bloverboy99 » Mon Sep 05, 2011 2:00 am

Ive noticed over the past couple of years, after i even begin to get close to someone, even just as friends, i tend to push them away, or back off myself. I can usually last for a couple of weeks at most. Anything afterthat, and the anxiety begins to be too much. Which makes it even harder, is im the type who is desperate for friends, and have wished more than anything for years now, just to have an established true set of friends. So im fighting an internal battle with myself. Why is this?
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Re: Why do I push people away

Postby VenusWillendorf » Mon Sep 05, 2011 2:21 am

I honestly coldn't tell you, but it's the same for me.
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Re: Why do I push people away

Postby incoherentthoughts » Mon Sep 05, 2011 4:38 am

Is it possibly that you fear being judged by them or being judged in the new environments they hang out in?

Are you not very confrontational?
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Re: Why do I push people away

Postby sharent » Mon Sep 05, 2011 4:46 am

I'm exactly the same way. I really want friendship, but at the same time, I reject it.

There's probably more than one possible reason for it, but personally, I think in my case it's due to fear, that I'll get too close to someone else - being too reliant or even dependent on them - and I have being reliant or dependent, like I'll be a hindrance or undeserving to be in their company. And of course, as usual, the fear that they could hurt me more if I get close to them, than if I was just distanced from them.
Strange mix of Avoidant PD and Borderline PD traits, and the obligatory Depression.
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Re: Why do I push people away

Postby AlAtBar » Mon Sep 05, 2011 6:36 am

It's preemptive rejection. Avies anticipate rejection and fear others, so will reject others before the others get a chance to reject the avie. The best defense is a good offense and all. Kantor talks about this extensively in his books.
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Re: Why do I push people away

Postby Dwight » Mon Sep 05, 2011 7:13 am

G'day bloverboy99,

This is how we measure them!
We need to know we can trust them... then it gets all complicated.

If they give up and leave- we'll they aren't suitable.
If they hang around- we push them harder :roll:

We are trying to push all away and hopefully the one left ,will be someone we can trust.
Problem being we do this alot..... and as the trust wears off ....we push again.
(very high maintenance bunch aren't we)

Word to all normies, being friends with an avie you are expected to receive a lot of on the spot, without prior notice friendship checks, so be prepared :lol:

Dwight :D
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Re: Why do I push people away

Postby thewho » Mon Sep 05, 2011 11:36 pm

Been doing this as well and it's frustrating, it does seem easier to push away. Like I kind of had a work friendship rekindled into a friendship again after he came over (he asked, I didnt invite, I never do) but next day he was supposed to come and for about half an hour I had to fight off the urge to make an excuse of why I couldn't do it since it felt so much easier to lie about that, than to just say "whenever" or such and such time.

The subconscious mind can be so irritating when it often seems like a hindrance with AVPD.
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Re: Why do I push people away

Postby Winnow » Tue Sep 06, 2011 10:28 am

oh me too. I'm so high maintenance, and I'm only beginning to realise how high.

Some of you may recall that I have been attempting a relationship with a guy. Well, it's completely messed up. I push and push for different reasons:
1. subconsciously testing if he'll stick around. Exactly as Dwight said above.
2. not knowing how to deal with his emotions that he may express ... harmless ones, like being happy. I feel really uncomfortable. I'm incapable of feeling much happiness these days and I just don't know how to deal with anyone who's around me in a good mood.
3. don't wan't to be too vulnerable and then be hurt
4. don't want to commit and then realise I was choosing him because he was putting up with my weird and difficult behaviour, while Icompletely avoid the importance of the things that make me doubt the relationship (he's often passive and defensive because he too lacks self esteem and confidence in some areas; he's sometimes (often?) passive aggressive; he avoids things (ha ha... pot. kettle. black) - meaning he hasn't paid his taxes in 10 years, he drinks too much every day (he acknowledges this... it isn't my view); we have huge issues with general everyday lighthearted communication now... we are in a terrible pattern of interaction. So, as I say... I don't want to "settle", but equally don't want to be alone.
so, I push him away and then....
5. after pushing him away, I feel safe enough to become vulnerable and more open to him. It lasts a day or so, and then I go right back to being distant with all my walls up and acting out.

It's driving me insane.
I want to leave. But I hang on.... trying to find a solution. Worried he'll throw me out. then realising he won't and I'll have to leave if it's to change.

So, yes. I push everyone away and most of all I'm pushing him away right now.
It is what makes me feel most screwed up.
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Re: Why do I push people away

Postby Dwight » Tue Sep 06, 2011 12:20 pm

Winnow wrote:oh me too. I'm so high maintenance, and I'm only beginning to realise how high.

Some of you may recall that I have been attempting a relationship with a guy. Well, it's completely messed up. I push and push for different reasons:
1. subconsciously testing if he'll stick around. Exactly as Dwight said above.
2. not knowing how to deal with his emotions that he may express ... harmless ones, like being happy. I feel really uncomfortable. I'm incapable of feeling much happiness these days and I just don't know how to deal with anyone who's around me in a good mood.
3. don't wan't to be too vulnerable and then be hurt
4. don't want to commit and then realise I was choosing him because he was putting up with my weird and difficult behaviour, while Icompletely avoid the importance of the things that make me doubt the relationship (he's often passive and defensive because he too lacks self esteem and confidence in some areas; he's sometimes (often?) passive aggressive; he avoids things (ha ha... pot. kettle. black) - meaning he hasn't paid his taxes in 10 years, he drinks too much every day (he acknowledges this... it isn't my view); we have huge issues with general everyday lighthearted communication now... we are in a terrible pattern of interaction. So, as I say... I don't want to "settle", but equally don't want to be alone.
so, I push him away and then....
5. after pushing him away, I feel safe enough to become vulnerable and more open to him. It lasts a day or so, and then I go right back to being distant with all my walls up and acting out.

It's driving me insane.
I want to leave. But I hang on.... trying to find a solution. Worried he'll throw me out. then realising he won't and I'll have to leave if it's to change.

So, yes. I push everyone away and most of all I'm pushing him away right now.
It is what makes me feel most screwed up.


Howdy W,
Once we understand who we are, only then we understand our relationships.
We are testing, pushing trying to find who we are and how we fit in.

Dwight :D
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Re: Why do I push people away

Postby bloverboy99 » Tue Sep 06, 2011 1:20 pm

Well for me, it's like I want more than anything to be accepted, loved....to have as many friends as possible. I get so lonely and depressed. Yet the very second I realize someone might actually like me, might actually care, and be able to look past my differences and struggles, that's when things go sour. Either I back off myself or I push them away with different behaviors. Even with family, I lived with my mom for a year, and that became too much. I tried my dads house for a bit, 3 weeks later it was time to move on. So then I moved in with my brother, after 6 months there, it was time to move on, I had a roommate situation and that was going fine up until I found out we were getting a new roommate (someone who I had no idea who it was), so I moved on from there. Now Im back living with my mom, we'll see how long this lasts.

As far as the friendship thing, I think it's more because every time I have got close to someone, it has ended because of one or two reasons. The first one, I feel they were just my friend because they are just as desperate to be accepted as I am, so I use that against myself, leading myself to believe thats the only reason they want to be my friend, that they would go after anyone who even smiled at them. The other one which is more popular, is the ones that are "normal", that could have as many friends as they wanted but are still willing to take the time out of there day to care about me, I tend to go a bit overboard, especially emotionally. After a while it becomes too emotionally burdening for them. They go there seperate ways and leaves me completely devestated because once I have a friend like that, I tend to cling to them. Now I have a saying that I tell everyone when they ask why I am still single at 27. The very second you let your guard down, it leaves you wide open to get hurt, and it's bound to happen every time. The weird part about it, is the longer I am with them, the more I get to know them, you would think it would become easier. But it's the opposite. The more time that goes by, the more that I push people away. My shrink says the anxiety get's to be too much, that it becomes overwhelming. So I just totally pull myself out of the situation altogether.


So I have somehow managed to allow myself to numb any emotional attachments so I dont get too close to anyone, that even if they through themselves out there, I still wouldnt notice, I still wouldnt feel any different. Someone could love me, and I wouldnt even recognize it. When you want a good set of friends, a true established set of friends, how do you overcome this?

-- Tue Sep 06, 2011 1:27 pm --

It's like I am so afraid of them leaving me, that I make sure Im the one that leaves first. Growing up, the longest friendship I ever had lasted was 3 months. Every three months or so in school, it seemed like I was having to establish a new set of friends. I was severely abused the first 18 years of my life in every way you could think of.....literally. When I wasnt getting a good beat down at home which happened daily, emotionally abused that was non stop, I was getting bullied at school. So I guess that has a lot to do with it. Its not a matter of are they going to hurt me, but when, like I am already expecting it. So I numb myself and push myself away so I dont have to go back and say "see, i told you so" But then it doesnt allow myself to get to know those who might truly care, who might really want to help out and be my friend.
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