Winnow wrote:oh me too. I'm so high maintenance, and I'm only beginning to realise how high.
Some of you may recall that I have been attempting a relationship with a guy. Well, it's completely messed up. I push and push for different reasons:
1. subconsciously testing if he'll stick around. Exactly as Dwight said above.
2. not knowing how to deal with his emotions that he may express ... harmless ones, like being happy. I feel really uncomfortable. I'm incapable of feeling much happiness these days and I just don't know how to deal with anyone who's around me in a good mood.
3. don't wan't to be too vulnerable and then be hurt
4. don't want to commit and then realise I was choosing him because he was putting up with my weird and difficult behaviour, while Icompletely avoid the importance of the things that make me doubt the relationship (he's often passive and defensive because he too lacks self esteem and confidence in some areas; he's sometimes (often?) passive aggressive; he avoids things (ha ha... pot. kettle. black) - meaning he hasn't paid his taxes in 10 years, he drinks too much every day (he acknowledges this... it isn't my view); we have huge issues with general everyday lighthearted communication now... we are in a terrible pattern of interaction. So, as I say... I don't want to "settle", but equally don't want to be alone.
so, I push him away and then....
5. after pushing him away, I feel safe enough to become vulnerable and more open to him. It lasts a day or so, and then I go right back to being distant with all my walls up and acting out.
It's driving me insane.
I want to leave. But I hang on.... trying to find a solution. Worried he'll throw me out. then realising he won't and I'll have to leave if it's to change.
So, yes. I push everyone away and most of all I'm pushing him away right now.
It is what makes me feel most screwed up.
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