Our partner

Why am I always left feeling like an emotional burden?

Avoidant Personality Disorder message board, open discussion, and online support group.

Moderator: lilyfairy

Why am I always left feeling like an emotional burden?

Postby bloverboy99 » Wed Jun 22, 2011 11:41 am

Question number Two.....sorry, i didnt want to make the other topic too long.

This one is regarding to just what the topic heading says. With any friendship I am actually able to develop, they want to help, they want to be supportive in any way possible. They don't know what I am going through, they dont understand, yet they still try to be there for me any way they can.

A lot of the time, most of the time, It tends to get to bee too much, too overwhelming for them, that they end up saying they can't handle it any more. When I have my break downs every now and then, and make remarks like I just dont want to live any more, Ive been told that they wont contact me, or respond to be simply because they dont know how to respond at that point in time. I live my life from one crisis to the next, with the same social network, so I am always calling the same people each time. It has got to the point where any time I call, their first response is "what do you need, or did you need something" as if they pretty much already know what to expect. After a while, people just cant take any more, they can only handle so much.

So I am not sure how to handle this. At this point I dont feel like i am in the right state of mind to be able to self sooth, or maybe its more that i lack the self confidence to allow myself to work through my own problems. Maybe I havent developed the coping skills yet. EIther way, at this point, I feel like if I am going through struggles, I have to go to someone else for the answers.

What can I do at this point, where I am able to get through my day to day crisis, where I can still be referred to as a friend, rather than an emotional burden? How can I effectively seek help from others, without it becoming too much, too frequent, or situations where they dont know how to respond or react (mainly when I simply dont want to live any more type situations). Or even better, what are some suggestions that you guys could give, as far as self soothing, where I dont have to play the waiting game, and wait off the emotional pain, yet I dont always feel like I have to go to others to solve my problems. Thats what i feel one of the main things Is. Either I havent developed the proper coping skills yet, or I just dont have enough confidence in myself to handle my own problems, so I go to other people to handle them for me. Any suggestions you guys could recommend or suggest from your own personal experiences?
bloverboy99
Consumer 3
Consumer 3
 
Posts: 69
Joined: Tue Feb 22, 2011 10:42 am
Local time: Wed Aug 20, 2014 8:25 pm
Blog: View Blog (0)


ADVERTISEMENT

Re: Why am I always left feeling like an emotional burden?

Postby Winnow » Wed Jun 22, 2011 12:37 pm

hi there

I came to an awareness today, that I want someone (anyone?... people?) to protect me, save me, help me, support me, make me feel safe, accepted, etc. etc. etc.... so I manipulate them (subconsciously!) through my behaviour. I've gotten worse, as the need for support has gotten bigger in me.

I've made myself the "victim" in the hope that someone will save me.

You mentioned a developing coping skills a couple of times. I've said over and over again in the past few months that I have the coping skills (I do!), but I don't seem able to use them now.

I realised today that I don't want to use them (on some level) because I want someone to do it for me. Yes, I feel like I'm trying very hard to overcome this inability to use coping skills, and I'm trying very hard to work through things. And I say over and over that I'm having to do it alone.... but! I WANT to be like this because I'm hoping and hoping and hoping that someone will come in and be the strong one for me. (note well, that this is something I've come to work out and that feels right... it isn't something that I can say 100% yes, I do this because I want xyz.... it's subconscious).

Now that I've made it aware to myself on a conscious level, I can be more in control of actually doing something to change my situation and my experiences.
Winnow
Consumer 2
Consumer 2
 
Posts: 46
Joined: Thu Jun 16, 2011 1:00 pm
Local time: Thu Aug 21, 2014 6:25 am
Blog: View Blog (0)

Re: Why am I always left feeling like an emotional burden?

Postby bloverboy99 » Mon Jun 27, 2011 5:55 pm

You know, Ive been on this forum for over a month now, been leaving as well as responding to plenty of posts, reading about other peoples situations, and so far, this one has made the most sense. I want that problem fixed, and I want it fixed now. As soon as i get to that crisis stage, or feel like im starting to get to that point, Im automatically on my phone going through my contacts list until someone answers. Even though the very second they hang up, I feel better for a brief period of time, at least I get that break. Its just like medication, once you take that pill, even though it only lasts until the next time you're supposed to take it, at least it gets you by until then. Its like that quick fix.

After reading over your response though, that pretty much summed it up. I feel like an emotional burden, because I really am. People want to help out in any way they can. When I go to them 4-5 times a day, the same people, with the same issues, obviously the same issues re occuring i come to them on a regular basis, it gets to the point where they start to wonder if what they are saying is even validated, because they are just saying the same thing each time, yet i keep going back to them regarding similar issues. It starts to make them wonder why they are wasting there time when they are just giving the same answer each time. I was talking to my friend Kellie after reading your response, and I flat out said that I was sorry for putting her in that position. I knew she tried to be there any way she could. Eventually it got to the point where she said people stopped responding, trying to help out, because they didnt know what to say, how to react or respond, because they have never been through those situations themselves. Especially when you flat out say you dont want to live any more, i mean seriously, how is any normal person supposed to react to that on the spot. After having the talk with her though, she pretty much said that its ok to have a support group, people you can turn to when you absolutely need it. But for the most part, its my problem, and I need to take responsibility. Before I get others involved, I need to make sure I have gone through all of my coping skills I have developed up to this point, I need to try to work through it on my own, regardless of how painful it may be, and then at that point, if it still has not helped any, then turn to someone else who is in a more rational state of thinking and can help out some. That way others dont feel like they always have to be there, I am able to start handling things on my own, which will allow me to feel more independent, like i have more control over the situation, and not let the situation control me, and that in itself will greatly improve my relationships and friendships with others. So with that, like i said, out of all of the advice i have got on here, yours has by far made the most sense and has helped out the most. So thanks :)
bloverboy99
Consumer 3
Consumer 3
 
Posts: 69
Joined: Tue Feb 22, 2011 10:42 am
Local time: Wed Aug 20, 2014 8:25 pm
Blog: View Blog (0)

Re: Why am I always left feeling like an emotional burden?

Postby Winnow » Mon Jun 27, 2011 6:26 pm

hi there
that's great that my response resonated with you. Like I said, it's an awareness I've only just come to myself. So we are both learning! Your friend is right, and I need to take her advice myself.

Now the challenge... gaining the inner strength to use the coping skills we already have.

we'll get there.
Winnow
Consumer 2
Consumer 2
 
Posts: 46
Joined: Thu Jun 16, 2011 1:00 pm
Local time: Thu Aug 21, 2014 6:25 am
Blog: View Blog (0)


Return to Avoidant Personality Disorder Forum




  • Related articles
    Replies
    Views
    Last post

Who is online

Users browsing this forum: Adversid and 102 guests

cron