To begin, I don't know what is wrong with me. I show signs of many disorders: social anxiety, body dysmorphic disorder, avoidant, aspergers, borderline personality, depression, etc. I guess the label is not really important. I guess it would just be nice to have a reason to explain why I am the way I am......Or just somewhere to belong.
I am 28 yrs old and suffer from abnormal jealousy and hatred (for myself and others.) I obsess about how ugly, stupid, fat, old, useless, awkward, boring, inept, and timid I am.
I constantly accuse my current partner of not being attractive to me as much anymore. I will go out of my way to say he was looking at other girls - whether real or misinterpreted. It has gotten to the point that if we are watching a movie with female nudity I will have an angry outburst and tell him to turn it off. I will say to him, "That's why you wanted to watch this." Or "Maybe if I got plastic surgery you will find me attractive, too." If my BF says a female singer is not that bad I get mad because I know it's because he only finds her attractive. I'll call him naive for liking something so stupid. I get mad if he doesn't agree with me right away or see my POV.
He is afraid to even watch anything with me and tells me he has to screen movies first before we can watch anything together. I know that he is doing this as an act of love, but I hate that it has gotten to this. I will even turn around and say "You just want to watch trashy movies behind my back."
I believe that he will leave me if someone else shows interest in him. I can't even blame him. I'm difficult to be with. I have this fear that guys are only with me until they find someone better who will want them. Eventually he will grow tired of this. Eventually this will happen. It has before.
Why am I like this? I guess because when I was about 20-25 yrs old I had only my looks to rely on. While I am certainly no supermodel, I did (for the first time ever) look and feel decent. It was my only means to meet people because of my extreme shyness. Looks were the only thing that got me an initial meeting.
I have had an ex BF sleep in all day in my apartment when I was extremely stressed/depressed once in college (to the point where I was sticking a finger down my throat..) I went out with my brother for lunch because I needed someone to talk to while my ex slept. I came back later on that evening only to find that my ex went out and helped some other girl with 'car trouble.' I interpreted this as him choosing another girl over me. This happened almost 6 years ago with another ex. This still plagues me.
One time (with another ex) we were watching a show where a man put together a romantic dinner with lights, flowers, candles, etc. He said to me, "Don't expect me to do that for you."
I've had an ex say to me once, "I know you have a personality in there somewhere. I've seen in when you were drunk. Just evidence that he was only with me because of looks.
My dad left out family when I was 12 for another woman. One that was 10 yrs younger than him. Perhaps that is another reason I have a disgust/distrust/'just waiting for him to leave' mentality regarding men. I think men will just settle with you until the next best thing comes along. Along with hating men, I even hate attention seeking women who try to flirt/act like a little ole troubled girl to get what they want.
I have come to the point where I snoop on my current BF's ex's facebook page. I look at old comments exchanged between each other and it upsets me that they have so much more in common. At first I even thought, "At least I'm better looking." I know that is vain and stupid, but it's all I had. He probably loved her more, despite looks, because they had more depth and memories. Now she is starting to lose weight (while I am continually gaining weight.) I worry that she is trying to look good to win him back, despite her having a BF. I continue to think he is holding off anything more serious with me in hopes of getting back together with her.
I'll admit, I do believe men are 'pigs.' It is a thought that has come about from past experiences and just my plain old insecurity and hatred for myself. I can recognize that my jealousy is abnormal and destructive. I know some of my thought are irrational. I can't stop, though. I'm torn between not saying anything and letting it fester inside of me until it explodes. Or saying something and starting a big, dramatic fight. Sometimes I wonder if this is some sort of coping mechanism to push men away from me. That way it won't hurt so bad once it is over.
My current BF is no where as immature or piggish as my past boyfriends. In fact, he is great. It shames me that I treat him so awfully still. I can't stop projecting my past hatred of men and hangups on him.
Starting at 21, I had boyfriend after boyfriend. I rarely had time to 'find' myself. Sometimes I wonder if I should end things with my BF so I can rid him of me. So I can try to fix myself. I can't do it, though. I don't want to risk losing a great guy. I also know that he will be emotionally distraught over this. He may even hurt himself. I'd probably end up screwing around with more pig men and hating men even more if I ended things.
What can I do to help lessen my anger/jealousy/insecurity? I am going to continue ruining all my relationships if I can't take control of it.