workplace frustration

how do you treat coworkers who piss you off?
i find this to be one of the biggest challenges on a day to day basis.
if a coworker does something i have judged as unfair i find it eats away at me, sometimes for days. i cant approach them and talk about it because im emotionally unstable and i end up shaking and tearing up confronting the simplest things. i often perceive simple thoughtlessness as a personal attack. they anger me and i just brood. i replay their wrong doing in my head over and over again until they are entirely demonized in my mind, and i can no-longer make eye contact with them or speak to them properly. the only way i can get over it is giving my self days to cool of and then forcing myself to eventually associate with them as if nothing happened.
the worst part is that i am totally aware of what i am doing, and how inappropriate it is. i just can't help it. i make a mountain out of a mole hill in my own mind and no one is even aware of why im upset. and they will never know. all they know is that sometimes i turn into a sulky moody jerk out of the blue. im not in kindergarten im at work. its inappropriate. how can i cope? im embarrassed of my own reactions.

Even if you are not religious, there is good advice in the Bible : forgive them. It really helps.

I like "don't get mad, get even." better. Right now I'm still working on getting my former bosses fired. It could happen depending on how the elections go. The current governor won't get rid of the people he hired - that would be admitting he picked bad people I guess. But if his party loses then there will probably be changes. LOTS of people are irrate at my former bosses - that place has been decertified by the feds for almost a decade due to the total incompetence of my former bosses.

Back to the original question - what kind of things are they doing? Things that are really bad and inconsiderate? Or are you really making mountains out of mole hills? When you say you often perceive simple thoughtlessness as a personal attack it sounds like you are seriously overreacting to things. Are you worried that eventually someone will personally attack you? Maybe you could try assertiveness training.

carbar wrote:how do you treat coworkers who piss you off?
i find this to be one of the biggest challenges on a day to day basis.
if a coworker does something i have judged as unfair i find it eats away at me, sometimes for days. i cant approach them and talk about it because im emotionally unstable and i end up shaking and tearing up confronting the simplest things. i often perceive simple thoughtlessness as a personal attack. they anger me and i just brood. i replay their wrong doing in my head over and over again until they are entirely demonized in my mind, and i can no-longer make eye contact with them or speak to them properly. the only way i can get over it is giving my self days to cool of and then forcing myself to eventually associate with them as if nothing happened.
the worst part is that i am totally aware of what i am doing, and how inappropriate it is. i just can't help it. i make a mountain out of a mole hill in my own mind and no one is even aware of why im upset. and they will never know. all they know is that sometimes i turn into a sulky moody jerk out of the blue. im not in kindergarten im at work. its inappropriate. how can i cope? im embarrassed of my own reactions.

I've been there, many times. The brooding is the worst part from the POV of others and the most difficult to overcome because subjectively it feels as though others can crap on you with relative impunity and you just have to suck it up.
My first suggestion is to stop playing that movie of their transgression in your mind over and over again. It's counter-productive and obsessive-compulsive. Distract yourself and your thought process with something else. Allow yourself the truth that they have done something to piss you off but don't allow the feeling of anger to own you and thereby allow these unfeeling selfish morons to own you indirectly. When you see them, look through them, not at them. Look at their faces but not their eyes. If forced to, talk and smile (with your mouth, not your eyes). The unconscious message that they can try to hurt you but you remain unaffected will be conveyed eventually. You can't control their actions but you can control your reactions to them. In some cases, nothing pisses off people who crave attention more than your inattention. Being friendly is one thing, being angry is another, but show the contempt of apathy, that really eats away at them.

It's not easy and takes practice. But over time you can make it happen. I'm fortunate in that I have an associate at work who I'm discovering may also be AvP, whom I can talk to about this when it happens (if needed). I don't forgive easily... and I never forget, but it's up to me how much emotional energy I wish to devote on being upset. You're right, it's not kindergarten. It's worse. At least in kindergarten there's a semblance of fairness as a caregiver will come over and give the ADHD child who peed in your cornflakes a time-out. At work, depending on the social dynamics, the miscreant may be lauded instead. Depends where on the food chain you are and how dependant the workplace is on your skills or if they even know wtf you do.

Be patient and try not to let the anger and frustration control you.

Back to the original question - what kind of things are they doing? Things that are really bad and inconsiderate? Or are you really making mountains out of mole hills? When you say you often perceive simple thoughtlessness as a personal attack it sounds like you are seriously overreacting to things. Are you worried that eventually someone will personally attack you? Maybe you could try assertiveness training.[/quote]

what upsets me is just a perception of injustice. i need to learn that not everyone has my mental hand book of how to act like a human being. i can honestly say that most of their wrong doings are not malicious. i just work really hard because i like to please. that often means picking up their slack in order to get things that need to be done finished. they leave a big mess and i clean it up. or they sit around while i run like mad to keep on top of things. i feel helpless because i dont have the kiwis to tell them to get off their asses.i don't want to be viewed as bossy i want them to like me. i am terrible at confronting and asking for help. maybe assertiveness training would help.

First of all, it is very hard to judge from your story whether you're overreacting or that your reaction is justified. As an avoidant individual we tend to blame things on ourselves while others might have seen it the other way. If you don't mind elaborating on things that how "people piss you off" at work and what are the "slight injustices?"

Enlighten us.

i feel like they take advantage of the fact that i need approval. they let me work harder because i will. or do they? i dont even have confidence in my own perceptions. am i just paranoid? i feel like they all laugh at me and call me a try hard behind my back. they think im weird. iv been working there for two years and no-matter how well i got along with everyone the day before, i come into work afraid to talk to anyone, i feel embarrassed. i usually hide until someone approaches me and chats. then i can judge how safe it is by their reaction to me. if anyone seems down or annoyed i immediately feel like its because i did something wrong. no-matter how much positive reinforcement i get, the next day is like im starting all over meeting everyone for the first time.

Is there division of tasks or are you all contributing to the same thing? If you have your own responsibilities, you can do these according to your own work ethic. The other ones are only digging their own hole.

I had a co-worker once who sat all day chatting in the phone or in facebook. Came late, left early. It did not bother me, that is their choice. But that is only because they had their separate duties. I have my own project. I think other people are not like me. They are looking at other people and what they are doing. Gossiping about who is what and does what and spreading the word. But that´s also their choice and I find that kind of thinking distracting. I have yet to be in a situation where I was confronted with injustice. Being in some kind of collective where it was unclear what everyone was contributing, would be kind of difficult.

carbar wrote:
what upsets me is just a perception of injustice. i need to learn that not everyone has my mental hand book of how to act like a human being. i can honestly say that most of their wrong doings are not malicious. i just work really hard because i like to please. that often means picking up their slack in order to get things that need to be done finished. they leave a big mess and i clean it up. or they sit around while i run like mad to keep on top of things. i feel helpless because i dont have the kiwis to tell them to get off their asses.i don't want to be viewed as bossy i want them to like me. i am terrible at confronting and asking for help. maybe assertiveness training would help.

Yeah - there are a bunch of lazy butts at my workplace too. But the workload isn't as high as it was at my last place. So even though I'm doing way more than most it doesn't feel like that much. And there are the days when there's not much to do. Last Monday I spent most of the day web surfing. What kind of sick time do you have? At my old workplace people would call in sick to counter when others slacked off. It would go back and forth withy people calling in. I could have done that instead of threatening some lazy butt with a bowl of pasta. Boss's pet.

Well, if my co-workers have me PO'd because they have hurt my feelings by excluding me (being cliquish, socializing without me, or rejecting my attempts to socialize), then I withdraw and do my work with as little human contact as possible. (I am able to do a substantial amount of my work alone in a closed office, if I choose.) If the reason I am ticked, though, is more work-related, then my reaction is different. If someone is making a mess, leaving work for me to do, causing me to be blamed for something, then I am more likely to either vocalize my disagreement or get even with them later.