Another thread about feeling crappy

Thanks again everyone. I'm glad I have a place like this to complaincomplaincomplain. It helps a lot and makes me feel less alone. I'm doing a lot better today. I realized that I have a couple things to look forward to, as far away as they might be. Twister, you're right--every relapse has it's own lesson.

LivingShadow wrote:That's what I meant by getting a real life. You don't have to live up to anybody's expectation, perhaps not even your own. What really matter is for you to be yourself (whatever that means) and enjoy it. It's not because you're depressed and negative all the time that you can't enjoy being depressed and negative all the time. It's just because you're holding yourself back with your guilt and your fears and that's the real problem.

You've certainly got that right. I hope I can stick with my resolution to be myself.

the pain wrote:I need time by myself. Iv spent so much of my time alone its how i feel most comfortable. I enjoy it for the most part. I do get lonely, so i would like to eventually find some sort of acceptance. I do want to change but i know im never gonna be the life of the party type guy. Im shy its just my nature. Large crowds freak me out. I just have a hard time believing i will be able to find friends let along a girl that would be able to look past all of this. Id say 99% would run for the hills thinking im some sort of monster or serial killer

Same here. I hope we can find the acceptance we want someday. I made myself crazy trying to go against my nature and be more extroverted, but it was just more frustrating and disappointing in the long run. I like being a hermit and I hope I'll find people who will put up with that. I don't drink and that also makes it harder to find friends at my age who will accept that. People think nondrinker = humorless prude. Idiots.

Smacster wrote:I won't lower my standards, or conform at ANY COST. If you do conform, you will wake up one day and realize that nobody who you think is your friend is actually your friend. I like to be realistic.

You're right. The stupid thing is that I thought I was being realistic. Therapists told me I had to be a good friend to have good friends, people told me no one likes a complainer, etc., etc. I thought that I needed to change in order to be worthy of what I wanted, and I thought that was being realistic. I was wroooong. The facade I made was perfect, polite, and utterly boring. The real me is conscientious and polite but also cynical, immature, emotional, and somewhat unreliable. So be it. But conforming seemed like a good idea at the time. I should be glad that I wasn't any good at it. What happened when you were 18, if you don't mind my nosiness? Before my Big Trigger I had some narcissistic traits, too. I'm beginning to think that narcissism runs in my family. Aaaand that's why the holidays are always such a barrel of laughs. Jeebus halp me.

:edited

Thanks for sharing that, Smacster. I'm sorry for what you went through.
Yes, I'm a girl.

Haha, this isn't an AA meeting. You can't say "thanks for sharing" and then pass. Send me a PM about your "Big Trigger". I am interested

Deleted.

Not stupid. Thanks for sharing

Sometimes I feel too honest too. I think the internet is really cool in that we can skip the small talk and jump right into the important stuff. I will be open and honest with you now.

I can relate to declining party invitations. My friends still ask me every time, even though they know i'm going to say no. It takes a lot of conscious energy for me to be in social situations, and by the time pre-gaming is done I need to recharge my batteries.

Also - I have been in the position of people asking me for other people's information without caring to talk to me. Situations where I feel as though i'm being used for one person to talk to another person through me as an intermediary. This always triggers "splitting" in me. Is that what you mean by Borderline traits? If not, what did you mean?

I have a very very low tolerance for bullshit. I hone in on superficiality, and since it is what I consider to be the most despicable quality, I reject anyone who exhibits it. For example, last year I invited a real stunner to the premier of a reality TV show that my aunt stars in. We walked in, started talking, and she began telling me what she thought of everyone's outfits. I told her to get lost and ditched her. I told her; I don't care how good you look, you are superficial, and I don't want anything to do with you. Not even sex. Those are my standards.

Couple thoughts - People do not condescend to be your friend. If they like the hyper/funny you, and don't like your introverted side, then they don't like you and that's their problem. If they try to make you believe that they're better than you, they aren't good enough. Your "friend" betrayed your confidence. Betrayal is very tough. But she was an oversocialized nit. I know you can find solace in the fact that you are a smarter, stronger and better person than she will ever be.

Also - did you go to college? Where are you from? You say you hear about people you used to know -do you still talk to anybody from HS? Did you ever ask your friend why she decided to betray you?

Friends are overrated imo. Plus the term is just thrown around. A lot of people are great at putting on a good facade, but once u get to know them, its a different story. The worst is the messed up ones that wont even acknowledge their problems. Denial is a powerful tool i suppose. I try to see the best in everyone, and give everyone a chance. It has put me in some tough situations and has caused a lot of pain though. Iv gotten used some in the past because im so eager for any type of acceptance. Its like I have SUCKER written on my forehead. I have a dreaded disease and its called being too nice.

I guess friends are a necessary evil though. Might make finding a girl easier. No friends=boring, loser. Unfortunately. Its like your kryptonite to women.

the pain wrote:I try to see the best in everyone, and give everyone a chance. It has put me in some tough situations and has caused a lot of pain though. Iv gotten used some in the past because im so eager for any type of acceptance. Its like I have SUCKER written on my forehead. I have a dreaded disease and its called being too nice.

Oh god can I ever relate to that. Almost every time I refuse to follow my intuition about someone I end up very sorry.

Smacster wrote:This always triggers "splitting" in me. Is that what you mean by Borderline traits? If not, what did you mean?

Splitting was a problem for me when I was a kid, like when my elementary school friends made new friends in junior high and were clearly choosing them over me and the rest of our group. I split the friends who were "abandoning" me black and split their new friends extra-black. But worse than that was my behavior. I made sure those new people knew I didn't like them. I was a little shit to them and rightfully earned a reputation as batshit crazy. As an adult I fight with myself all the time not to split people one way or the other, not to let my paranoia make me suicidal, and to control my anger so that I don't scare people away.

Smacster wrote:Also - did you go to college? Where are you from? You say you hear about people you used to know -do you still talk to anybody from HS? Did you ever ask your friend why she decided to betray you?

I'm still trying to finish college! I don't talk to anyone I knew well in high school, to the point that I refuse to join facebook because I don't even want to remember these people exist. I don't want them to remember I exist, either. I want to have a life that's completely separate from theirs, but that seems to be too much to ask.

There are very few people from high school I still wonder about and would possibly like to contact, but I feel so bad that I have nothing to show for myself while I hear so many others graduated college years ago, have careers, and/or are in serious relationships. The latent narcissist in me was hoping to get my revenge by being super successful or something, but I didn't know how good I was at self-sabotage. Honestly I don't think I'll be able to get over high school until I'm hundreds of miles away from this place.

Logically, I know that what happened wasn't entirely my fault. Those "friends" were insensitive idiots. My new friend repeatedly tells me that there's something seriously wrong with everyone he's met from my hometown and is surprised that I turned out to be "sane" (a ha ha) despite that. I have had bad luck with friends, period. But I also believe that people attract others according to their own self-image. If I don't see myself as worthy of respect and love, how can I expect to meet people who will genuinely respect and love me? To make things worse, when someone does treat me well, I get incredibly paranoid and can't enjoy it. Sometimes I wonder if I have some post-traumatic stress from the whole thing. It seems like I've been stuck since high school. But I've made some slow progress. I just want the ability to feel safe around people. That's what I lost in high school.

There are much worse problems to have, though. I recognize that.

I'm sorry I'm so long-winded all the time...

[Stuff deleted because I am paranoid.]

I don't know - I still haven't gotten over high shool and it's been over 20 years. Those memories keep running throgh my head. iIt is definitely not your fault that your school friends were jerks.

I find it curious that it's been 6 years since you graduated and this is still what plagues you. Have you had any relationships since HS?