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Do you have abandonment issues?

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Do you have abandonment issues?

Postby Superman23 » Sun Jun 07, 2009 6:02 am

I've known I've had AVP for a long time now and I have to say I've realized my fear isn't JUST rejection. I think it goes even further than that. My worst fear is allowing myself to get connected to another person and then having them leave.

Since my self worth is basically determined by what other people think of me and for some reason I think when a person acts negatively towards me it's somehow my fault, another person that I care about leaving is like saying Im not good enough for them.

Ive lost one friend after another as a result of rejection from other people while I was growing up and the anxiety that has caused me to break off friendships. They usually think Im strange or I don't like them anymore. Either way they leave.

Part of it was my childhood. We moved 6 times before I turned 13 making it almost impossible to form any close long term friends.
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Re: Do you have abandonment issues?

Postby Chucky » Sun Jun 07, 2009 11:29 pm

Hi,

Considering you have recognised that moving so much in the past wasn't helpful for you, don't you think that now you are settled makes it easier to form friendships? Just think about that... ...Granted, friendships don't always work out, but are you prepared to forever remain fearful?
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Re: Do you have abandonment issues?

Postby Kourin » Mon Jun 08, 2009 1:56 am

It sounds like your fear isn't so much of abandonment so much as it is of the perceived rejection when it happens.

I think what you need to realize is that friends come and go, regardless of how you act towards them. People mature, priorities change, and circumstances cease to allow the friendship to continue. Even if you had never moved at all, your friends during that time would most likely be nothing more than acquaintances today.
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Re: Do you have abandonment issues?

Postby Ebontiel » Tue Jun 09, 2009 1:46 am

Superman23, I don't presume to know your exact situation, and I've only had to move once in my life (though Pennsylvania to Texas is a big one, I'd say), but I think we have the same issue, and someone telling you that friends come and go, don't worry about it, doesn't really help. But god I wish it did.

Kourin is right, though: fear of abandonment is fear of being rejected in a different form. Part of the problem is that a lot of people were raised with this picture of idealized friendship: Best Friends Forever! If you haven't been friends with someone for years and years, it doesn't have the same perceived weight. And if you don't have a Best Friend, then it's because no one has deemed you worthy enough of it, and have rejected you for this honor above all honors.

It seems like you understand that thinking like that isn't quite right. Acting to negate thoughts thoughts and the actions that follow from them is the hard part, but at least you've got a start, right?
I belong to an avoidant social network called AVPD Net. PM me if you'd like an invite--I don't bite!
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Re: Do you have abandonment issues?

Postby hanna » Tue Jun 09, 2009 4:33 pm

I feel the same way, and I don't agree that friends necessarily grow apart for normal people. From my obsessive facebook stalking (I know, not good for me!) I can see that people from my elementary/middle school/high school I would have gone to, the boarding school I went to for high school, and the American school I went to in France for a year are still close friends with each other. Then there's also the college I went to for a year and left of my own accord, so I don't blame any of those people for not keeping in touch with me, although I was pretty good friends with a few people then. I live in the town I grew up in now and I was good friends with my girlfriend's friends but now I feel like we're growing apart too and it's not even worth it to try one more ######6 time. It's not normal to lose every friend you've ever had. For example, a lot of the people I went to school with in France had grown up in one place, then gone to boarding school someplace else, then gone to our school in France and then on to different colleges. And every place they go they accumulate friends, not replace them with new ones.
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