Its on the night that most of the time i tend to get reflective toughts of sadness about my life, specialy since my 30's, as far i remember i didnt used to feel like this a couple years ago, i supose im starting to break and loneliness is somehow defeating my personality into a final colapse...
I just came to a point where nothing is positive, everything in my life is negative and strange from the "normal" perspective, during the last 7 years i have been a complete ghost, i have no friends, not even i social networks, i avoid social netwoks because of shame of my loneliness and how i think people would see the weirdness of an individual who doesnt share anything of his life on twitter, facebook or whatever, because he is lifeless...
I dont take selfies, i dont share toughts, i dont do anything a normal individual of my age would do...
years ago i wouldnt botter much about being different socialy, i would simply focus on my own things, behaving like on an atlernative world, filling my time with hobbies, tricking my own mind to not feel sad or depressed for not having any social interaction...
But lately i am starting to feel bad and depression seems to be taking over....the fact i cant interact with people for more than causual/superficial matter reduced the meaning of my life into a level where i simply am a ghost.
i stay in my room all day, trying to occupy my self with something but at times its dificuld, going out alone is also hard because i really cant get rid of the odd feel of being lonelly allways...
People around me (neightbours and family) think i am mentaly dissabled, that i am crazy...
they obviously dont call me crazy directly... but once i noticed a pattern of it, since my niece who is a very young child called me "crazy uncle" wich basicly is something she eard in conversations with adults, its ok, i dont mind... she is a child and thats normal..
I am not writting this expecting anyone to feel pity or because i feel pity of my self, i am just in the need to writte it, since i rarely communicate with people other than randomic conversations in websites like omegle or IRC since its the only places were a nickname or simply anonymous conversation allows you to interact without feeling exposed or ashamed...
And i think shame is basicly the reason why i probably developed this type of personality, i seriously dont know, never tryed to seek help, and i personality dont think any mental help would change me, but i do feel shame, i am very self critic and i often analise people and try to predict what they think of me, some peopel might think this is only paranoid behaviour, but i think this is some sort of gift, i can tell when people is having negative toughts about me even without speaking...
and i think that i ended up like this mostly because of it... i steped away from people, i never had a sucessfull social life, even in my school/ high school period, and one year after another i started to fade out... into complete isolation...
And eventualy you reach a point where even if you wish all your problems were a matter of behavior, even if sudenly you wanted to became another person, to become someone socialy active, you cant anymore... because any new person you meet and tries to have more than a casual conversation or interaction will either see your a complete lonely and think your weird---
i used to have problems in the jobs i had because of it, my co-workers or colegues would eventualy start asking questions about weekends, girlfriends and social life in general and my only solution was mostly avoid it , to also avoid lying...
because saying to others, "you know... i dont have friends, and i dont do nothing at weekends" it will allways sound strange...
The same way you get 7 or 8 consecutive years going to sleep before midnight in the new years eve because you dont want to go anywhere alone, and all you can do is to see and mostly feel jewlous of anyone who have a friend or someone to interact...
I even end up asking to my self a lot of times, maybe i died and i dont know... maybe this is what is like to be dead... a ghost, an invisible being in its own exclusive reality...
i used to daydream a lot , its was one of the features my brain used to give me, i was an above average creative person, now i lost it, i know this because music was one of my hobbies and i totaly lost the motivation and strenght to keep going, just like everything in my life i gave up with time...
I dont know what ill do tomorrow, i have no plans and i am not attached to anything, in theory i would be a free person to do whatever i wanted, but unfortunaly it seems i am arrested and dommed to this situation.